[gisellaedny]

Hi Martin,

Thanks for your reply and it took me some time to understand what you meant. I might’ve encountered a revelation last night as I lied awake wondering why I’m not sleeping. Even though my anxieties around sleep are mostly just background noise at the moment.

I discovered I wasn’t having a setback, I’m right on track! Because I was fixated on a sleep effort and wondering whether all my attempts of “letting go” was actually a sleep effort. And it was exactly that. How I got through that was being kind to myself and acknowledging that the human mind works in that way (overanalyzing stuff especially in its hyperaroused state). I said to myself “oh okay. As long as I’m aware that it’s a sleep effort.” Naturally, miraculously even, I began to be kinder to myself and allowed myself to be okay with that thought.

But that’s not the revelation. When I lied awake last night in bed, pondering why I can’t fall asleep. I thought I might as well enjoy my night time with some youtube videos (massive fan of youtube gaming accounts) and took the pressure off sleep. This is not to say I fell asleep because I actually slept for only a few hours but I didn’t struggle! And today, I felt so light and energetic that I had energy to do things I even didn’t want to do!

The revelation is that the struggle is what drains all my energy. The constant “accepting” my thoughts in the middle of the night in an attempt to control it, the struggle with daytime fatigue and exhaustion, these are the struggle that keeps me locked in the loop.

Now I know that when I learn to make friends with insomnia, welcome and accept it wholeheartedly, I’ll be on my way to recovery. So for those of you having setbacks, wait for the revelation and come out stronger on the other end!

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