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'Birdlike' wrote on '06:
So, ummm, would you mind very much if I messaged you? I wrote a reply just now and yikes, thank every deity out there that I read it over because it was long enough that Tolstoy would have felt embarrassed for me 😕 It occurs to me that humiliating myself in front of one person (you) might be preferable to doing so in front of a bunch of them (you + others).
I'd even send you the abridged version, if you wanted…
I wouldn't mind it at all, and I hate abridged versions. 🙂
Don't worry. You can't possibly embarrass yourself in front of me. I am the Queen of Inappropriate Comments. Just ask my family. 😆
'MarinaFournier' wrote on '06:I ended up going cold turkey off Wellbutrin, AND being across the country with no psych coverage available to me there. I was just wonderful to be around. That was the first pdoc I never went back to.
Funny, Wellbutrin was the med he intended to switch me to, and that ended up doing me no good at all. I might as well have eaten M&Ms. I certainly would've enjoyed them more, and they're cheaper, too! 😆
Quote:I also am good for being there for others, and seldom see that returned, although when I was recovering in the first quarter of this year from having a bone spur removed from my heel, my MiL was very good to me, taking care of what I needed, but I was likewise doing my best not to be a bother. I knew a woman who'd had a more extensive, but similar, surgery than I had had, with a longer time to be off her feet, with foot elevated, and she got cranky and demanding, and I did my best not to emulate her.I'm quite lucky to have a husband who tries his best to take care of me, though, to be honest, we have to take turns. He is an absolutely WRETCHED patient, who resents being unable to help himself and suffers serious guilt about asking me for anything, despite my insistence that it doesn't bother me at all (which it doesn't!).
Quote:What sort of minerals do you use/need to allow yourself to handle the outside world?Heh–that was my semi-polite way of saying I need to suck it up and deal with it. It's a baby steps process (shades of “What About Bob?”), but with an immense effort, I CAN get myself back into the world, though the boundaries of “my world” are much much smaller than they used to be.
I've never been a drinker, but I do have the codeine/xanax combo that simultaneously calms me down a bit and knocks my headache back to a two from an eight. These are classic tension headaches, and I KNOW codeine isn't the right answer, but if I could find other relaxation techniques (or simply a less stressful life…maybe a lobotomy), I'm hoping I won't have them anymore. But I've had them to some degree for decades.
Sent you a PM about the rest, but thank you for your responses. 🙂
'Birdlike' wrote on '04:Ditto 😀 For me, THAT was the big sign I was desperate!
Sorry, I don't know how to do that fancy thingy where you put more than one quotation in a reply!
Yes, I'm medicated, but only barely, and I've run through every single antidepressant currently available in the U.S.. Yes, I've tried therapy (ten years), and I've gone through seven psychiatrists.
Same on the antidepressant front (though I'm definitely verrry medicated heh.), and similar rolodex of psychs. Actually my last one just left, so I'm currently psych-shopping. Again. That psych was brilliant, though, and wouldn't give up; he was trying a hundred and one off-label meds – for the MDD, I mean. The closest thing to a solution we found was dexedrine (the uberstimulant), taken constantly throughout the day …which obviously isn't quite an ideal solution 🙄 , but keeps me from being suicidal and OD-ing every few days, unlike all the normal antidepressants I've tried thusfar.
Heh. I just LIKE you. The reason meditation is not for me is that never, in my ENTIRE life, have I ever fully relaxed. My mind is far too busy, and will not calm down with coaxing, and gets downright unreasonable when someone tries to force it to do so. I've got perma-tension in my shoulders, and my mind, whenever they're trying to talk me into a calmer state of being, starts snarling “this is a big waste of time.” Seriously, look at my first baby picture–I look pissed off. I was a very happy kid until I hit formalized education (which is when they start hammering down the nails that stand out, at least in MY schools), quite bright and highly social. I became more and more of a problem for them (largely out of boredom with the curriculum and recognition of a system that did NOT understand/couldn't address individual needs), probably capping it off with being a largeish part of a major school walkout/protest march on my 15th birthday, after they started cutting into the few “rights” students had left. That was a really fun birthday, quite honestly, and my parents did not go crazy (at me) over it, though I (and many others) made front-page news on the paper that day. I've always been so lucky to have such understanding and supportive parents. I do think that's why I've made it as far as I have.
The meds I take now are Prozac, Buspar, Tylenol 4 (I've got tension headaches most of the time) and an unreasonable amount of Xanax. I cut back to basics, so to speak, after trying everything else, and these seem to do as well as any and better than most. I realize the cutting thing isn't acceptable, and I try to keep from doing it as long as possible, not so much for myself as I do to spare the people who love me further distress. My scars do not bother me, but they bother those around me, so I've got these kinda cool fingerless glove sleeve-type things in a rainbow of colors that I wear to hide most of the damage when I'm around anyone but my husband. I'm GENERALLY not suicidal; the cutting is NOT a “suicidal gesture,” though that led to a parting of the ways between me and my first psychiatrist, who insisted that I be institutionalized, and I refused. I do not do well at ALL when I'm away from familiar things.
I don't think dexys would be all that good for me either, though, as I do have panic attacks. It'd be nice to have the spare energy, that's for sure, but overall (and based on my mom's recounting of her dexedrine days when they were readily available as diet drugs), they do not sound right for me. I am quite glad they're helping you, though of course I agree that it doesn't sound like the best solution. 🙂 Hope to see you more around the boards…I am trying to keep up here as best as I can.
I'm InsomniAmy just about everywhere, though I haven't been too active on twitter lately. If people from here add me, I will add you back (I really really hate the term “followers”) and I'll start hanging around there more often. Despite my rather peculiar posts here, I CAN be fun, and I am honestly a good person to talk to, even if you're just feeling frustrated and want to rant.
'BobbyP' wrote on '25:I've found it helpful to occasionally use Xanax to get to sleep. But it scares me to think, well, what if it became an addiction?? Has anyone else had any experience with this?
Hi again, Bobby! Yes, Xanax can be addictive. I have some sort of weird drug tolerant system that adjusts very rapidly to ANY medication, and if I told you the amount of Xanax I have to take a day just to stay, well, SANE, it'd scare ya. But I have been able, during periods of my life that were not quite as stressful as they currently are, to wean myself off with relative ease. It has remained my fallback drug for years now, and since my life is at a highly stressful level (I've been at this stress level for over a year, but there's a bit of light ahead), my dosage has increased exponentially.
HOWEVER–my husband can take .5mg Xanax once in a while when he's a bit too stressed to sleep, and it works fine for him. He can take it or leave it any time, and the only medication he's on that he is, unfortunately, addicted to is morphine (heavy-duty pain), but opiates will ALWAYS mess with you when you're on them long-term. I think the amount of the benzodiazepines you take and how your body responds to them has a lot to do with whether you become addicted or not.
Not sure how helpful that really is, but I guess I've seen both sides, and wanted to let you know that you won't necessarily get addicted.
Sheesh, why were YOU hesitant? You sound fascinating! When I could work, I was always drawn toward somewhat off-center jobs. Never worked in a traditional office in my life. You do sound as if you throw yourself wholeheartedly into life, which earns serious respect from me. I'm a long-term insomniac too, have a plethora of other psych problems too, don't enjoy the company of TOO many people, but adore animals without reservation. I, too, was into–well, not quite sports (though I was one hell of a soccer goalkeeper years ago), but physical sorts of training, like kickboxing and jujitsu, but now I've got a bum knee and fairly bad bursitis in my right shoulder that limits what I can do these days(way too young for this stuff). Anyway, welcome! I am glad you managed to get on disability. The government and I are still at odds.
Amy
Hi, Kari! I actually tried to welcome you earlier, but Chrome ate my post. Oh well…figured I'd try again! I'm glad you're seeing a sleep psychiatrist (not that psychs are all so great, but still, a better choice) rather than a GP for your meds. I took atrocious amounts of trazodone for a while, and it didn't do a whole lot of good for me, either. Whatever your doc prescribes, I recommend checking it out on rxlist or wherever to find out exactly what MIGHT happen to you. I know, they have to list everything that might happen (and even so, some stuff isn't discovered until later), and some things are quite rare, but some popular meds, like seroquel, can cause glaucoma, liver damage (you'll have to keep an eye on your liver enzymes big time), diabetes, and in my case, gum disease. Weird stuff. You're wise to look at your medications with care.
I'm looking into some non-pharmaceutical options now. I find I just have trouble shutting down my thoughts, and meditation does zip for me. I'll post more about some new (new to me, anyway) things that MIGHT work if I find that they indeed do.
Amy
Hi, Robin! The people here seem to be really lovely, and I think you'll find friends. I'm sort of lurky (my shy label DOES fit), but I'm trying to at least welcome people, as so many welcomed me. I'm playing catch-up at this point! I had no idea there were so many people who had really long-term insomnia, as I do. I hope you find help here, too.
Amy
'BobbyP' wrote on '25:I am very glad to have found this website. I have felt so alone in my struggles with insomnia. I hope to find others who feel as I do, especially, well, this feeling of just waiting and waiting and WAITING for sleep to arrive in those dark hours. And you wonder “Where is it? Why can't I have it?” So I will look forward to others' feelings about this and what tricks they have discovered that might work for me too — besides counting sheep!
Hello, Bobby! I wanted to welcome you, as so many of the people here welcomed me. I can come across as a bit angry and loony sometimes, but my intentions are always good. I haven't really mentioned this to anyone here before, because I haven't had enough of a chance to try it myself, but my husband (who suffers from catastrophic tinnitus, intractable headaches, and yes, insomnia) has been getting wonderful sleep as of late due to a special pillow and CDs that we ordered, pretty much out of desperation. I never expected them to work so well for him–the pillow has speakers built in, so I don't have to listen to the what is, to me, godawful sounds HE needs to counteract the tinnitus (the CD is especially designed to address that problem). He sleeps like a narcoleptic baby now, and no longer suffers from the nightmares he had every time he closed his eyes before. My own experience with the pillow (they have CDs/MP3s that are meant for sleep ONLY, not tinnitus as well) has been very limited, but it did help me. So, I have ordered my own pillow and CDs, and if I get any relief from them, I'll post more about this elsewhere. I'm expecting to receive them soon–hoping for this week, as it's been another rough one.
Amy
'jita' wrote on '02:Apparently the herbal remedy *Valerian root* has been scientifically proven to prevent sleeplessness, but you have to take it for approx. 2-3 weeks until you feel any effects. I am currently building up on it and I will post if I am successful. If this doesn't work, I will try 5-HTP which is also a natural supplement and is also been proven effective against anxiety and insomnia.
Valerian Root does help a bit, at least it did me, but I had a lot of trouble not gagging from the aroma and taste of it. What's 5-HTP? I'm a little twitchy about natural supplements, because they do not have to pass any FDA tests and can cause side effects that are quite natural (hey, arsenic and many other poisons are natural), so I do like to do my research prior to trying them.
Oh, and I'm not saying prescription meds are any better–if you've read my intro post(s), you'll know why.
Amy
'Martin' wrote on '31:Welcome aboard, Amy – certainly not a strange introduction; by definition we're all a little bit different here at Insomnia Land!!
Did your insomnia begin at the same time as your depression? Do you see any link between the two?
Thank you, Martin, and really, everyone who has welcomed me.
I've had insomnia since my pre-teens.
I didn't have severe depression until my late twenties, when a family doctor gave me really bad advice regarding Paxil. I was on it for a case of mild anxiety, as I had moved away from everything I ever knew and ended up down in Texas, which is like an alien planet to me. I gained weight, didn't like it, and asked if I could try something else. He had me go cold turkey, which, if there are any other long-term Paxil users out there who have EVER gone off it know, causes all kinds of hideous problems. Whatever it did to me, I never really recovered. I lost about six months there that I only remember through other people's recollections. I have tried, seriously, all sorts of mood-altering/stabilizing medications–name it; I've tried it. Lithium was probably the worst–I have no memory of my year on Lithium, and according to everyone who knows me, I simply was not there. The most irritating thing about the depression is that it has made me weaker. I used to be very independent and fly all over the country, meeting strangers and striking up conversations without fear. Now, I hide. I'm borderline agoraphobic at this point, though I know that I can work myself out of it if I can get up the minerals to do it.
My biggest problem is that I'm a great caretaker for terminal patients, such as my grandmother and my in-laws, but when they die, I absolutely lose my mind. I can't pull myself out of it, and frequently end up physically hurting myself in order to feel something other than mental pain. I'm GOOD at being strong for other people (when I'm WITH other people), but I invariably take out all the stress on myself. And if I lose them, even when I know there was absolutely nothing I could have done, I feel responsible. My emotional side and rational side are constantly at war, and it's been that way my whole life.
The memories of all these things, along with my long-standing internal monologue of self-loathing, are what keep me up all night. My mind never shuts down, and it is rarely kind to me. Even when I sleep, I have terrible nightmares most of the time, and therefore, no rest. It's sort of funny…sometimes I wish I weren't as bright as I am (yeah, that sounds obnoxious, but hey, allow me ONE nice thing about myself), or as much of a realist as I am. I do not have a religious or spiritual side, and trust me, there's no comfort in being that way (but that IS the only way I can be). I'm not a nihilist…not quite. There is something in me that wishes for good and even some sort of purpose in the world, but sometimes, it's so hard to find. I absolutely treasure kindness and selflessness in other people. I think people who are open with their emotions are brave–much braver than I am. Those are the people I try to protect from a world that I have found, largely, that is cruel to those it sees as weak, that takes advantage of people who leave an opening, and destroys anything that is really beautiful–but different.
Hm. Can you tell it hasn't been a good day?
People like you, who have welcomed me, warts and all, do give me hope. I'm trying really hard to focus on people like you.
Thank you, again, for your kindness.
Amy
