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Who knows what the future holds for my insomnia? For the chronic insomniac, how much of a bright future is there when severe sleep deprivation can make you feel as though you'd rather not even be alive?
In many ways I'd love to go back and re-live the last thirty years of my life. I'd sure make a lot of changes.
But if going back was possible, I'd decline the offer because of having to re-live thirty years of insomnia.
If I could go back and not have to re-live all of those years of insomnia, that would be a different story.
I'm sleeping well right now, but that can change in an instant, and it does change more often than I'd like. So any future I have is tenuous at best.
You're probably thinking that I view the glass as half-empty rather than half-full, but that's what insomnia does to you–it darkens your outlook on life.
That's been my experience anyway.
I didn't know anyone. I don't remember how I found Insomnia Land…probably through a Google search about insomnia.
But it's nice getting to know the IL community and having conversations with other insomniacs–people who know how I feel after a sleepless night.
For the first fifteen years of my insomnia life I most certainly had a fear of not being able to go to sleep when I went to bed. It's a horrible feeling. I hated to see bedtime come around.
It's a fright unlike any other, for me. I know I need to go to sleep, but what if I can't? And each night's fear builds on top of the previous night's insomnia–a snowball effect that's difficult to overcome. The fear of not sleeping creates insecurity. The insecurity itself then adds to the fear; it's a never-ending cycle: Insomnia feeds on itself!
A manager where I work is going through this very fear right now. Since he discovered that I have insomnia, he talks to me every day, telling me about his previous night's sleep or lack thereof and asking me lots of questions about how I cope with it. We've talked about the fear of going to bed, and how the fear makes the chances of falling asleep even more improbable.
'emmaree' wrote on '18:She sounds amazing Mike, you are a blessed man. I like when guys see the virtues of their wives and not take them for granted
Thanks for your comment. You're right. I am blessed.
Hi, emmaree,
Thanks for your greeting. It's nice to know you.
Yes, I've tried just about everything for my insomnia. Some worked; most didn't. I've learned to live with it, but that doesn't make life any easier.
Is that Sydney, NSW?
My wife, Donna, is my role model. That's not to say that all women should be like her; I don't mean that.
She has been a super wife to me and for me. In all of our 34 years together, she's supported me in every decision I've made that would affect the family.
She certainly hasn't agreed with all of my decisions, but she's supported me anyway.
And she's borne the brunt of family finances several times: When I was in college, then years later when I was in seminary, and now.
I currently work for a large shipping company. I work the evening shift which is only part-time. But my company supplies gobs of benefits and a decent hourly wage. The bad part is that it's only part-time, resulting in a part-time income. The point of having this job is that it allows me to sleep until I wake up–without an alarm clock.
Because Donna has lived with my insomnia for as long as I have, she's never forced the issue of me finding another full-time job because I'd likely have to work day shift again, and once again having to answer to an alarm clock.
She knows the toll that insomnia exerts on the insomniac as well as the other family members.
Fortunately, she's very good at her work and makes an income that off-sets my lack of a full-time wage. She's in sales and sells more than $1,000,000 worth of credit union products each month–she's the credit union's top producer.
She'd love for me to have another full-time income, but she doesn't force it.
And I'm thankful for that. She understands. She's great!
Hi, Kik,
Thanks for your greeting. It's nice to meet you, too.
It's also nice to learn that you write fiction and enjoy muscle cars.
In 1972, a friend bought a 1965 Riviera while we were in high school. It had the 401 engine with two four-barrel carburetors. For a 5,000 pound car, it would really move.
I no longer do any hotrodding, but I do still love the muscle cars.
Mike
Hey, there, seenafterscene,
Thank you for the compliments and for the welcome.
It's nice to be here.
LindsayK, Hedwig, and Caers,
Thank you all for your kind greetings. It's nice to feel accepted.
Right now I'm getting between six and eight hours per night. But that can change at any time. I go in cycles: sometimes 6-8 hours, next week I might drop to about 4 or 5.
When my insomnia started, I couldn't fall asleep when I went to bed. I lay there until sometimes 5 am before finally going to sleep. Having to be up no later than 6:30 makes for one short night.
Now my problem has switched. I can fall asleep pretty easily, but I wake up around 3 am and can't go back to sleep. Sometimes I'll do that for a week and then its back to 6+ hours. Right now it's 12 midnight, and I'm not sleepy yet, which is the reason I'm writing this.
I guess I better go read something so I'll get sleepy, if not I'll be awake until 2 or 3 am.
