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I had a difficult night last night too, Pam. It seems to be taking a lot longer this time to recover. But I started to do a sleep diary again and also looked over my posts since the relapse to see if there were any patterns. I think there are. When I relapse, I seem to fall into my default mode of avoidance & wanting to run away from the problem, confusion, along with compensating behaviors. All together I would label this “struggling” with my insomnia again.
In a way I feel like I have to start all over again and learn how to deal with the fears and anxieties that have been showing up at night, “getting to know them.” Maybe it was almost too easy the first time I recovered and I didn’t really learn how to deal with them all. I just don’t know.
Anyway, hoping for a better new year for all of you as well as for myself. I too have appreciated the support from all of you as well as from Martin, for having this forum and a place to share our struggles as well as our successes.
Happy New Year to All!
Wow Pam! You’re doing so much better! Are you averaging more like 5-7 total hours now? I can’t imagine sleeping 2-4 hours for so many years. That’s great that you have such a wonderful and supportive family. Maybe that’s how you survived!
Let’s hope your body gets used to the earlier bedtime just like shift workers have to adjust to a change in bedtime. People do it all the time. I would start on a night when you’re really tired so that you more likely to fall asleep earlier.
Mac – just a thought. I know I’ve said this before, but maybe now you might be more open to this. You said that you really believe you would sleep so much better if you could get up at 7. But right now you just don’t have that option. So how about “accepting” it (ha ha) and just shifting your bed time to say 9:30 to 10:00 instead of 10:30 to 11:00. Just tell yourself that this would just be temporary until you’re healed. It would sort of be like when you told yourself it was just temporary when you did SRT and pushed yourself to stay up later. You’re just shifting your schedule in the opposite direction temporarily. Then when you’re sleeping through the night with no early wake ups, you could go back to your old schedule.
I realize that there would be the initial anxiety about doing this and possibly waking up even earlier, and it might take a little while to get used to it and to start relaxing about it. But you’re already getting better about relaxing through practicing ACT. Maybe the shift would make the difference that you need.
Pam – so glad you finally found something to help you through SRT and ACT. One of the worst things about insomnia is the feeling of hopelessness you can get when you’ve tried so many things, gone to different doctors and therapists and nothing lasts. I’ve really felt for some people on this forum who were suicidal after struggling with this so long. I think it’s really great that you are an optimist. Otherwise I don’t see how you could have survived 20 years with this!
I was curious about how your sleep is now in comparison to before you found SRT and ACT. How many total hours were you sleeping, how long did it take you to fall asleep, how often would you wake up and how long would you then stay awake in comparison to now?
Yes, ACT is simple but not easy. I was recently thinking about why it works so well. That’s because it teaches us how to “let go.” Instead of trying to do anything to fix our sleep, we give up that struggle, let go and then accept whatever happens. It’s what normal sleepers do all the time. But they’re not consciously aware that they are “letting go” because it seems so natural and they’ve been doing it all their life.
Mac – I’m so happy you had two great nights in a row! So you’re seeing that you don’t have to have a high sleep drive to sleep – just the normal amount like before the insomnia.
I feel for you having to get up at six during the week. Like you said, you’d probably be healed by now if you could sleep in later. I agree because that’s what really helped me – not having to worry about when I get up.
I’m still not recovered but I’m learning some things about myself at least. I was going to postpone getting back into ACT until after I came home from my trip and just take Ambien every night. So I took Ambien the night before I left because I had an early flight. Then I took it the next night again. I woke up the next day feeling absolutely rotten. The good thing was that it reminded me that you can have worse sleep with sleeping pills. So I made the determination to get back to ACT the very next night. Two of the last three nights have been so so, and one was pretty good. About what I expected. But none were as bad as how I felt after taking the sleeping pill the second night.
Tonight I will take another Ambien because we’ve got to get up at 4:00 to catch an early flight again. But this time I feel good about taking the pill. Dr. Kat said that it’s much better to take a pill as a “decision” which is what I’m doing instead of out of frustration. Then it’s less likely to impede your progress. I’ll get back on ACT the very next night.
The best book IMO for CBT-I is by Colleen Ehrnstrom PhD:
End the Insomnia Struggle: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Get to Sleep and Stay AsleepHi Tswezey- I feel for you. Most of us on this forum have experienced this type of insomnia, either waking up too early or not being able to fall asleep in the first place, and as a result only getting a few hours of sleep.
I got insomnia last year and as a result of my research have come to understand that chronic insomnia is a mental condition and cannot be healed through drugs or medical interventions. The only treatments I know of for this that work are CBT-I, cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, or ACT. For information about CBT-I read this website and also watch Martin’s videos. For ACT the best resource is The Sleep Book by Dr. Guy Meadows.
Thanks, Gdsmom! We’ve been here many times and have visited those places because my husband’s parents lived here for 40 years, right in the heart of the city. Now it’s just his mom who will be 97 next month and is amazingly still living independently. Of course, I never get tired of San Francisco! Sounds like you live in a very nice place!
Hi Gdsmom – good to hear from you! I hope your new job works out for you and eventually you can get back to getting consistently good sleep like you did in November. That’s good that you don’t need to take Ambien often. I seem to be all or nothing when it comes to Ambien. When I’m in the recovery mode, I never take it. But when I’m struggling (like now) I take it a lot because when I can’t fall asleep I can stay awake for hours which I hate, and also sometimes I just can’t afford to do this because of something important coming up the next day. Tomorrow we’re leaving for San Francisco so I’ll definitely take a pill tonight so that I can get up early and be decent during the day. I may end up taking it the whole week because I hate the thought of having any zombie days when I’m out there. I can deal with that better here at home.
Jazz cat – thanks for sharing your story. About the 8 hours of sleep, it’s not that I need 8 hours but that just happens to be my schedule when I’m sleeping normally. I can do well on less, but with the 8 hours I am very refreshed.
Some thoughts about sleep drive. It’s not that I don’t need sleep drive, but I just don’t need to get really sleepy like I used to have to with SRT. Instead it’s just the normal amount of sleepiness like before the insomnia, with a yawn or two instead of fighting to keep my head from nodding off.
Here’s my thoughts on your question about why you fall asleep at 9 while watching TV, even though the sleep drive hasn’t built up. You get so comfortable and relaxed when watching TV that your body automatically takes over and you fall asleep. Granted, you might not sleep long, but this shows how the body automatically falls asleep if it’s relaxed enough. This is how it is for normal sleepers I believe. They get into their warm and comfy bed and it’s so cozy that they get so relaxed that after awhile they can’t help but to fall asleep. This is how ACT works.
When you say that you’re an active person and it’s hard for you to just lay around in bed (or on the beach), I totally get that. If you do ACT right, you won’t have to have long nights in bed forever. For myself it usually takes just a few long nights and then soon I start falling asleep earlier. But I know that this just isn’t your thing and you don’t want to do it and I respect that. To each its own. You seem to be happy with the sleep you’re getting so that’s great. But for myself I wanted to get back to how I slept before the insomnia, and ACT did this for me. Maybe SRT will do that for you too eventually.
Merry Christmas Everybody!
Hi Mac – so glad you had a great sleep last night! Are you on vacation now so you could sleep in? If so, hopefully you’ll get more nights like this.
My recovery is “on hold” for right now, but I’m doing ok. Friday night I didn’t take anything and was in and out of sleep and overall got a few hours of sleep. Was tired Saturday but took a nap and then felt fine the rest of the day which was good because I had to prepare for a party I was having at my home on Sunday. Saturday night I didn’t take anything initially, hoping to fall asleep naturally. By about 2 or 3 I still wasn’t sleeping completely but maybe having light sleep. But because of the party that day I knew I needed to be rested, so I took an Ambien again. Woke up around 8:30 and was good for the day.
The party was a huge success! I invited the jazz trio to play at my house and we had about 25 people here, listening, with some singing or playing other instruments. It was so much fun and I serenaded my husband again with the song I wrote for him. The only problem was that I got completely hyper! Didn’t go to bed until 12 and then could not shut down my overactive mind, so again I took a pill at 1:30.
I don’t like being in the on-hold mode but because of circumstances I felt it was the best I could do. Then this Wednesday morning we’re catching an early flight to visit family so I’ll take a pill again. I’ll get back with the program the following day.
