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Last night was another bad night with only 3.5 hours of sleep. But had an important realization. This was my third bad night in a row with the first night of 4 hours of sleep and the second night with 3.5 hours. I was so exhausted last night after two bad nights that I turned off the alarm after getting up again at 3:30. I couldn’t bear the thought of only 2.5 hours if I finally fell asleep at 4:00 and had to get up at 6:30. But then I realized that if kept my sleep window completely open I might keep getting up all night and never sleep at all. I realized that something psychological about knowing I had to get up at a certain time helped me to fall asleep even if only for a few hours. So since I’ve been doing this program with a set time to get up I haven’t had all nighters like I used to. I did give myself one extra hour and set the alarm for 7:30. Amazingly I’m not a total zombie today. Somehow I got lucky (or God blesse me – my interpretation) with good sleep in those few hours.
Anyway my point is that having a consistent sleep window really helps.
I’ve had a setback too, Mac. This whole week has been a setback, although I’m trying to make sense of it. My week, according to the sleep diary that I fill out for Martin, starts on Saturday. Both Saturday and Sunday were bad, although at least I have an explanation for them. I tried to do the Guy Meadows thing of staying in bed in being mindful, hoping I would fall asleep. Well that was a total washout since I didn’t know what I was doing. Saturday night I lay there until 2:00 and Sunday night till 3:00 and then finally, totally disgusted, got up. Decided I better go back to SC.
Had two good nights after that, and now have had two bad nights. Wednesday slept 4 hours and last night maybe 4.5. I’m totally wiped out today. My interpretation of these nights is as follows: I’m finally having to deal with the fears. Somehow I was able to avoid them for the most part the last 4 weeks with my run of 5 good nights each week. But now I’ve got to learn how to deal with them, so that’s why they are showing up now.
Does this make any sense? Anyway, this is how I’m making sense of them. If I don’t make sense of this I’ll lose my hope and my sanity. And we gotta keep hope some how. So now I’m trying to accept the fact that I may have some bad nights ahead of me for awhile. Then maybe an upswing will start again.
I’m sorry you had a bad night, Mac, but I’m glad you had several pretty good nights before that. So you do seem to be doing better. And I see that you’re able to make sense of the bad night. So things can gradually continue to get better for you along with the acceptance of the ups and downs along the way.
P.S. Regarding your meditation and relaxation exercises, Guy Meadows says that these are just more ways of “trying” to go to sleep, which don’t work because we need to stop trying. His method focuses on learning to let go and getting back to the place of “doing nothing” to fall asleep like we used to.
Of course if they help, by all means keep doing them.
I hate that you’re feeling suicidal, but I know the feeling. A couple nights ago I broke down into tears with my husband because I was feeling so much despair.
Check out Guy Meadow’s Sleep School online and his book, The Sleep Book. It’s a radically different approach. I’m doing CBT-I now and if don’t get much better (I seemed to have plateaued) then I will do his program. But if I decide to do this I will work with one of his therapists instead of trying to do it on my own because it looks really hard in the beginning. In his program you learn to face the fears and deal with them which means staying in bed all night, which could result in some all nighters in the beginning.
Right now I’m in my 5th week of SR and SC and this week has been a bad one with 3 bad nights already (including last night) and I’ve still got 2 more days of this week to go. But maybe it’s just a dip and I will get better next week. I’m hoping that over time this works.
How long did you do CBT-I and how was that for you?
Daf – Yeah I can’t imagine dealing with this without my husband’s support. He has been wonderful throughout the whole time, sometimes getting up and sitting with me during the lonely nights.
Wishing you luck and hope to hear that things are improving for you next time we hear from you.
I also have a lot to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, my business is doing well and I’m finally starting to play jazz piano with other musicians! I played Sunday night and had so much fun, which was really good because I was so exhausted and down that day. Life would be great right now if it weren’t for this dumb insomnia. Besides making me exhausted when I have the bad nights, it’s really affecting my mood too. Last night I cried in my wonderful husband’s arms because I was so exhausted, discouraged and tired of dealing with this. It was was so wonderful to feel his love and support. Afterwards, I felt ready to pick myself up and tackle the bed again! So support in this process is really important.
LOL! Hey if there are some issues in your wife that are a bit of a pain, you now know a marriage coach to go to!
I guess I’m just a strong advocate of going to the best professionals, who have expertise in the particular area we’re struggling with. I’m a marriage coach and I’ve had clients tell me all the time that they wish they had come to me first instead of wasting their time and money with regular counselors who had no training or expertise in the area of marriage.
So although it’s probably more expensive to go to the experts and it may not be covered by insurance, in the long run it saves us money when we think of all the time, energy and productivity we’re losing due to sleepless nights.
Maybe you could contact one of Guy Meadow’s professionals or even contact Martin. Tell him specifically what you’ve tried and what you’re doing and ask him if he thinks he could help you or not. He might be able to offer you some valuable insight. The nice thing about Martin is that you can contact him any time if you have a question or struggle, unlike a regular therapist who you might see just once a week. He gets back to people very promptly.
I can see that you are trying really hard to do the right things and get the right help, Daf, and my heart goes out to you. I purchased Guy Meadow’s course and went through most of it over the weekend. So that’s probably equivalent to the day school. Yet when I tried to implement it, it was a total bust. Were your 15 hours with one of their therapists? If not, you might have not gotten the therapy you needed.
Mac – A thought just occurred to me. I wonder if Sasha Stephens improvement was gradual like yours, and maybe that’s why she didn’t talk about her recovery in the book. She didn’t want to discourage people by saying it can take a few months or longer, unlike others who promise recovery after just 5 or 6 weeks. She knew that she had the willpower and determination (like you do) to keep going because she had suffered from insomnia for 15 years and there was no turning back for her.
Mac – glad you’re doing better overall. Will look forward to hearing from you on how it’s going after a week or two.
Daf – I’ve had only one no sleep night since I started this program. That was 3 weeks ago. Before the program, yes, I had a lot of no sleep nights. I had one stretch of 9 days with 4 of them no sleep nights and the rest just a few hours. I was a mess and ready for the mental hospital! I signed up with Martin right after that because I had reached my limit. Daf – maybe it’s time for you to get some professional help instead of just doing this on your own. What you’re doing does not seem to be working very well. How about contacting Guy Meadow’s school, since you feel more of an affinity for his approach? Like I said yesterday, when I tried to practice his stuff on my own, lying in bed and being mindful, I just ended up laying there half the night until 3:00. If I hadn’t gotten up I surely would have stayed awake all night. So I would definitely not try to implement his program without professional help. Maybe have just one session with one of their professionals and see how it goes. You might gain some valuable insight into what’s going wrong and where you need to focus your attention. Then you could share what you’re learning and help all the rest of us!
Yes, it really sucks when you feel all alone. Thank goodness it only happens occasionally to you! Many of the people on this forum have chronic insomnia, suffering from it months or years. My insomnia started with not being able to sleep one night. But because I worried about it then I had insomnia the next night. Then because I worried some more I had it again a couple nights later. Pretty soon it became full blown insomnia with practically every night a nightmare of loneliness and struggling. My advice to you is this: When you have a bad night, just accept it and don’t get wound up about it like I did. You don’t want to end up in this rabbit hole like I did. So just accept it for that night and then let it go. Remind yourself that you’ll be fine the next night. Then you’ll be done with it and will go back to regular sleeping. So the worse thing to do is to worry about it. That feeds the monster called insomnia.
