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Yes, Packer Fan, you sound exactly like me. Especially during my previous attempts at finding a “cure” before I finally decided to take this course. I tried to follow various books for months and months, and my experience was just like yours, especially the part about falling asleep before the window begins and then snapping wide awake as soon as it started, with immediate panic setting in. I understand that’s really common! I used to listen to podcasts too and fall asleep in the middle and then wake up at the end, still miserable. One and a half to two hours of sleep a night…a really great night was three hours! But it got better, it really did. It took time and lots of AWAKE practice and self-kindness and surrender to wakefulness. I thought I was incurable, a special disaster case, and in the beginning I saw no light at the end of the tunnel at all. But there is light, even if it’s faint at first. It will get brighter! I truly wish you every success in this very difficult (let’s not forget that) process!
Yes, that’s it! As soon as you finally, finally realize that there really is NO monster, nothing to fight, nothing to resist or run from, nothing to chase, it changes everything. You suddenly don’t have to TRY to relax anymore. It just happens. When you really know that all that’s happening is that your brain is running an automatic programme to keep you safe, all the struggle and anxiety slowly begin to dissipate. There’s no more work to be done, apart from maybe a runthrough of the AWAKE exercise. There’s nothing to control, since it’s all out of your power anyway.
Abdiradia, I really feel for you! And you are so not alone! I was exactly the same when insomnia first got hold of me. Night after night of either no sleep or an hour or so, and the hopelessness and frustration and nightly terror of not sleeping AGAIN were off the charts. Some nights I’d just lose it completely and cry and cry until I finally exhausted myself into a stupor. Anxiety is pernicious, the way it feeds on itself, and it’s so painful to deal with. All this to say that, with time, it really does get better, I can attest to this! Retraining the brain doesn’t happen quickly, it takes time and patience and a lot of surrendering to unpleasant experiences. But if you can keep in mind that while you’re suffering and doing the AWAKE exercise, etc, stuff is happening behind the scenes, changes are happening that you might not be aware of immediately, but you will be. I just know that I was exactly where you were, and now I’m so much better and calmer, and if it can work for me, it can work for anybody! All the best of luck to you and your new baby.
I think another thing that helps with anxiety, particularly during the day is the NOW exercise. I have constant waves of anxiety during the day, not necessarily sleep related, especially when life is particularly stressful. It’s such a little thing, but I find that if I make a regular practice of the NOW exercise whenever I find myself getting lost in my head, telling myself scary or angry stories, going round and round, I just tell myself to come back, to stay right where I am, doing what I’m doing and nothing more. It only takes a minute, but for that minute and the few that follow, I’ve pulled myself away from the racing thoughts and have a little peace. Just doing this over and over and over is starting to become a habit, and I think it helps keep me calmer during the day, and hence calmer at night. It’s nothing huge or magical, but slow and incremental practice that I think is really making a gradual difference. I hope this helps you!
It’s such a delicate business, isn’t it, Kevin. Tightrope walking for sure! What you describe used to happen to me (though when I say “used to”, that just means it hasn’t happened in a while but could return at any time. Just thinking about it could bring it back!) I would monitor the quality and randomness of my thoughts in exactly the same way—Yes! I’m falling asleep!! Or, Yes! I just had a thirty-second dream so I was sleeping even if I didn’t know it! Then I was wide awake again and had to start all over. I find that “struggle” takes so many subtle forms; you just manage to do away with one type and a new one appears. The recovery process is long and winding and unstable. For me, now, the struggle has moved into the “rituals” territory: What if my buffer zone isn’t long or peaceful enough? Oh no! What if I start the sleep window at the wrong time? What if, what if, what if? All this to say…I think…that what Sdzagreen said about just surrendering to whatever the PSM tries to throw at you is the only real solution, as hard as it is! I guess that’s what tightrope walkers do…the good ones, anyway.
Oh Kevin, the same thing happened to me…exactly! I was coasting along, into week three, feeling I was doing so much better, and then, out of the blue last night, my insulted brain—as you describe so well—pounced. I was expecting an easy night, but once this thing took hold, it went on for hours. All the old stuff I thought I was vanquishing came back at once. I must have done the AWAKE exercise fifteen times, trying to counter each fresh onslaught. And eventually, it did seem to calm me, so I was able to get in maybe one and a half hours of sleep before the alarm went off. I think the most relaxing thing I was able to tell myself was that this is all a process, that my brain is being retrained after close to two years of bad habits, that maybe good stuff is going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about, and that this takes time. Once that thought took hold, I felt much calmer, and less afraid of what might happen tonight.
Like Christianna, I count is as a bonus if I can remember a dream, even if I have no idea how long it lasted because it was proof I was actually able to let go and sleep without trying. But basically, I’m trying not to think about it at all. There are nights when I can’t remember dreams that are often very good nights, and dream nights that are bad nights, and vice versa. I think it’s good to remember that every night is different, because that leaves me with fewer expectations from the outset and thus a healthier lessening of anxiety about the night to come.
Yes, that “every other night” thing…I have that too. And I also like, while I’m lying there awake, to give a silent shout-out to all the other sufferers, in all the different time zones…it’s somehow very comforting! But it sounds like you’re making progress, Tim, and I think I am too, slowly, slowly, slowly…
This is all so familiar…I hear you! I’ve been ready to “raise the victory flag” so many times, feeling all cocky, thinking, “I’ve got this thing beat at last,” and always, always, the next thing to happen is a horrible, discouraging night. I wonder if there’s not something inherent in the idea of thinking we’ve solved the problem that doesn’t light a fire under the problem-solving mind, making us think ‘we’ve” done something, or fixed something. That’s how it feels to me anyway. And then, yes, oh crap, now I have to start all over again! But it’s not really starting over, it’s just a bump in the road, really. Every night is different, every night is kind of unpredictable. And the silver lining of a sleepless night is a big boost to sleep pressure and to getting back on track the following night.
Thanks. Martin. You’re right, of course. Trying not to try is such a tricky business. But I’m learning more now about how to not be attached to the outcome, nor so rigid about the “rules”, and slowly, slowly, slowly, there’s incremental improvement. And the happier I feel about that, the better it seems to get!
I’d be getting more sleep, and worrying about it less! There’d be fewer zero-sleep nights and more good nights. (A ‘good’ night at this sorry point is four to five hours of sleep.) I’d be the way I used to be, before this happened. So…………I guess the only thing i can more or less control in this scenario is the ‘worrying about it less’ part. And not comparing myself to hypothetical people who might have been more successful in the initial stages than I’ve been. And practicing patience, not being in such a hurry.
Kho4874, I could have written your earlier post word for word…I’m six weeks in and still seeing no improvement. It’s so hard to eliminate all sleep-chasing behaviours when following a sleep restriction plan to the letter and still getting nowhere. Just maintaining the programme and being patient constitutes “effort”…there just isn’t any way around it. But I’m curious about your decision to widen your sleep window as it was making you anxious…I’m wondering if that might not help me as well. I’ve been so stuck on doing this thing “perfectly” and sticking to a very narrow window, struggling to raise my weekly average… but maybe (surely!) that’s contributing to my unconscious anxiety, knowing I only have five and a half hours to fall asleep in and experiencing that low, underlying panic of “hurry up and sleep because time’s running out” every night. Did lightening up a little and expanding your sleep window in spite of the “rules” help you?
I know, it can be really confusing. But please, please don’t give up hope! I felt exactly like you when I first started this, and I finally chose the “stay in bed” option over getting up just because there was slightly less anxiety when I stayed in bed. And it’s worked out…my anxiety, which was ferocious, has gone way, way down, and I’m only in my third week. It gets better, it really does! I never would have believed it. I think, if you are receiving the regular emails from the Insomnia coach, that he will eventually talk about this issue, about having a choice as to whether or not to stay in bed, because that’s where I learned about it.
Hi Gemma. I understand your confusion perfectly, because when I first tried CBT-I, I was told that getting out of bed when I couldn’t sleep was an absolute necessity, that I would never break the bad associations otherwise. And I really, really tried, but it only made the problem worse. Getting up, going back to bed, getting up again, etc, etc, just made me crazy with anxiety. In the third week I quit the programme entirely. On my second go-round, several months later, when I learned there was an alternate technique, where you could just stay in bed and rest, without trying to monitor yourself, it was a godsend. I found it so much easier to just lie there and do my best to accept the situation. I still had awful anxiety for a few weeks, but gradually it has seemed to lessen its hold on me. All this to say that this is what worked for ME, and might not necessarily be the way you want to go. But it’s certainly a valid alternative. I think that none of these rules are written in stone, that we can adapt them to fit our individual personalities. Otherwise we go nuts trying to do it “perfectly”, which defeats the whole idea of learning how not to chase sleep. I hope this helps.
Thanks, I know you’re right, but it’s easier said than done. My sleep window is at 5.5 hours because that’s what was recommended for the initial weeks. Since I very rarely fill it up, I may as well leave it like that for the time being. I’ve ditched the sleep diary, though…all that fretting about averages was just winding me up more. It is true, though, that as this goes on and on and on, I’m tending to lose interest in the subject…thinking about sleep is starting to be really boring, which I find rather refreshing!
