[Tyra_vo]

Hi again Martin,

I have had a period of no major commitments and sleep has been ok. Not always great, but most nights I would get between 5 and 8 hours.

The sleep anxiety and obsession are still there all the time though.

However now I have 3 concerts coming up (I play the violin) : 2 today and 1 tomorrow. Last night it was impossible to sleep. I got very hyperaroused, being so scared to have to do the concerts on no sleep. I have been nauseous all night and this morning as well, throwing up several times, also feeling unsteady and trembling.

It seems insane to me to go play the concerts feeling this way. It’s already difficult when you got a full night of sleep, but being a wreck like this and then play a concert is torture.

I know that in the course you advise to not cancel plans, so I wonder if I should just push through even if this is a total nightmare ? I don’t know if I will even be able to play in this state.

At night when I can’t sleep I try to accept it, I go to the bathroom and I read, I throw up when I need to not making too much of a problem of it, which is rather ok. But then going through this day is terrifying. I think it’s all too much, I should quit the conservatoire, that it’s insane to continue whilst having insomnia, it’s too high pressure.

I don’t even know if it’s moving me in the direction that I want because it seems like just torturing myself. On the other hand if I didn’t have insomnia, I probably would still get anxious about concerts, but it wouldn’t prevent me from doing them.

I would love to hear your thoughts (or anyone elses) on this.

[Tyra_vo]

Hi Martin,

Thank you for your reply.
In the end my two week of commitments went surprisingly well ! At the beginning of this two week period I was really terrified and I had a horrible no-sleep night, but that happened only once.
For the rest of the time, I had anxiety, but honestly it wasn’t worse than it can be on a random day/evening.

I think I have made some progress with regards to the self kindness. Now I talk to myself and to my anxiety : “anxiety is there, that’s totally normal and expected, it’s ok to be afraid. Anxiety, I can see you are here, you are welcome, I won’t fight you, I won’t avoid you, you can stay for as long as you want, you can do what you need to do. If this means I won’t sleep tonight, that’s fine, I won’t fight that either”.

And also this simple thing of telling my worrisome brain that we don’t know the future, that sleep cannot be controlled and that I go to bed to rest, not necessarily to sleep, has made it possible for me to fall asleep every single night of that period (after the sleepless night). I have still woken up very early every morning and not slept more than 5-6 hours per night, but for me this is so much better than expected. And I was able to honor all of the commitments, so that’s quite a big win too.

The little downside has been that the day after the 2 week period, so when it was just over, I fell sick and I have been quite ill, I spent a whole week in bed with fever.
This also happened last time, it makes me worry that I exhaust my body too much by pushing through the insomnia periods.

[Tyra_vo]

Yes indeed Martin it’s all about the pressure and the fear of having to go through the commitment on no sleep.

I try to take some distance from the worries like “thank you for warning me, but we don’t know the future, so let’s just see what happens”.
Also I tell myself that these thoughts are normal. My brain is on autopilot. And I keep reminding myself that even though these thoughts are prompting me to solve this sleep issue, there is nothing I can do.

The night were I felt the most pressure this week, I couldn’t sleep at all the whole night, I went out of bed to read and lie on the couch. Even though my nervous state was very bad, waves of anxiety and nausea, I could also see how there was nothing much I could do, so I decided to let my body be nauseous and anxious and just support myself.

By getting out of bed there was a little relief of seeing that things were actually quite normal : my normal couch, a normal book, everything was ok even though I was awake in the middle of the night.

I think getting out of bed is a better option for me than to stay in bed, because it lowers the anxiety a bit. For the thoughts and worries that’s still the hardest part for me, I have to stop believing them too much, and not listen to the prompts.

[Tyra_vo]

Hi Martin,

Yes I have to say that it is really difficult to honor my commitments after nights of bad sleep.

In the moment that I am suffering from lack of sleep, and that I have things to do, I feel like quitting because that will relieve the pressure, allow me to relax, and make it possible for me to sleep. I have actually done that many times in the past and it gives some short term relief but it hasn’t proved to be a long term solution. Also it makes it even more difficult then to make plans because the idea that I cannot stick to my commitments is reinforced in my brain.

What I now do is that I remind myself that I also often don’t feel very well when I have no plans; then I do sleep but I feel depressed and bored. So I tell myself “you feel anxious, tired and on edge, but at least you have things to do and you don’t feel bored, and maybe this is helping with the insomnia”. I also tell myself “just push through, one hour at a time”, and sometimes also “wait until it’s the time of the event, if it’s really impossible, you can cancel then”.

[Tyra_vo]

Hi Acat,

I don’t know if you are still on this forum ? I have the exact same problem as you. I sleep well when I don’t have plans the next day, but as soon as I have something coming up I get hyperaroused and I cannot sleep. It’s like my brain has made the association of an event the next day meaning a sleepless night.

Then I hate doing all these things being sleep deprived, feeling super anxious, sad and on edge. Also when I have plans every day for a week or two in a row, I get really anxious, and I have night after night of difficult sleep. I try to soldier on and continue with my plans, but it’s really hard and I often feel like quitting everything so I can sleep again.

However that’s not really a solution.

Please let me know if you have been able to make progress with this, I would love to hear it.

[Author]

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