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Poop. It's 2:30 am and I'm still going strong.
I followed the advice in Martin's 2nd email today and turned my alarm clock around… but when I just got myself a drink of water in the kitchen, I saw the kitchen clock.
I'm feeling quite peaceful at the moment – just like I have been, sleeping these odd hours for the last week. Not feeling worried about my tiredness levels tomorrow (though it would make more sense if I did.)
I'm tempted to just stay up again. Read, watch TV, check out things on-line.
What I don't really understand is why my brain and body seem to find it acceptable to sleep during the day, but not at night? I wonder whether there's any useful research been done on that. Cos it seems so ridiculous…
Hmm.
As challenging as I find the evening/ nighttime problems involved with insomnia (ie. trying to fall asleep) what I find far more harrowing are the daytime problems – ie. trying to stay awake/ functional.
I always worry that I will burst into tears or snap at someone or get overly emotional and rant at people to leave me alone… Basically I worry that I'm going to seem/ act like a nutcase.
And I'm not sure that if I say, as I bawl away, that it's cos I suffer from insomnia and have not had enough sleep in over a week… Well, I'm not sure whether that's going to cut it with people…
But that's how I feel – I just want to scream until everyone runs away and leaves me in peace.
So yes, that's by far the more challenging part of insomnia for me.
Because at night, while it often feels miserable not to be getting the sleep I crave, I know it's just me getting frustrated – nothing else, nothing more sinister.
But during the day, I worry that I will do things that may cause me to lose my job, that I may behave so irritably that it may ruin my relationship, that I might yell at the neighbours or my landlord, hence possibly having my lease terminated… and so on and so on… you get the picture.
So during the daytime, my insomnia has possibly far-reaching, serious, dire consequences. And that scares me.
I'm trying to learn to “accept” that and live with it – trying to explain to friends and colleagues and neighbours “Sorry, but I have shockingly bad insomnia – I only got an hour's sleep last night – I feel like I'm about to fall into a coma soon – please forgive me if I'm grumpy and slow today…”
I guess if I put enough of these sorts of safety nets in place, I may feel safer about being out and about in a seriously “not fit” state…
Because I do truly feel like I am “not myself” when so utterly sleep-deprived.
I am on some sort of “survival mode” just trying to cope/ survive the day…
As if all of my “higher” brain functions are not working and I just have plain animal instincts to guide me through the day.
Well, thanks for hearing me.
I guess I'd better get back to trying to fall asleep.
Sweet dreams
Groggy
Okay, so it's 11:30 pm and I've just crawled under the covers. Pretty early night, for my standards.
Even though I was deliriously tired today, I'm not feeling relatively “awake” (ie. alert, despite tiredness) and feel anxiety and panicky feelings starting to rise.
How can the “simple” act of falling asleep be fraught with so much tension for me?
It's almost like I'm afraid of it.
And yes, I've tried analysing this endlessly over the years – have sought the help of a therapist to work it out – all to no avail.
It's weird. It's like a night I enter into some sort of arena and I battle sleep. On the one hand I need and crave it desperately, on the other I can't bear letting sleep “win”…
I hope that by being part of this forum, I will feel less alone and lonely as an insomniac.
Because I think that's one of my major emotions connected to it.
Lieing awake at night – everyone else is asleep.
No one else to talk to. To tell your worries to.
Or even just to pass the time with, to maybe giggle and have fun with, if sleep isn't an option…
Over the years I've also come to cherish that “aloneness” in a certain way – nowadays I love being up, when the rest of the world is asleep – I feel like the whole world belongs to me then – cos I'm the only one up and about.
But as a child I found it excruciatingly lonely and only many years later did I find people who also had as much trouble sleeping.
So I will try and think of the people here as my fellow insomniacs – many of whom are also (still) awake right now and I will feel like part of a community in my sleeplessness.
Sweet dreams
Groggy
Strangely, I can often sleep *better* when I leave a light on.
I think for me it's about tricking my brain – cos when I'm *meant* to sleep I can't…
But when something like a light being on signals “it's time to be awake” my brain starts “cheating” and sneaking in some sleep… which is better than no sleep at all…
I don't like having to resort to this trick, but as any true insomniac will know – if you are desperate, you will try any trick that works…
Hi Tired Ted,
I'm new here too.
Yes, I also hate that the only thing that will send me off to sleep is pure exhaustion.
Unlike you, I have had insomnia for most of my life.
I hope you will be able to catch it relatively quickly and return to normal!
Look forward to talking to you in the forum.
Groggy
Hi Debra,
gosh – what a lovely Sleep Clinic! (not!)
I've been planning on going to one too – tho I assume they can't do much for me either…
But to have them dismiss you – hm, great.
My doctor told me there are 2 different sorts of sleep clinic where I live – either you go to one for the more “physical” side of things, like sleep apnea, etc, or you go to one for the “psychological” aspects of sleep. Perhaps you need to try one with a psychological approach?
Also, there should be places that can help you wean off the Zoplicone.
Other than that, I'm also suffering from insomnia, so I too have more questions than advice to offer!!
All the best,
Groggy
