[groggy]

Hi,

so, I think I want to start keeping a sleep journal. So far my attempts at overcoming my insomnia are a bit too hit and miss for my liking.

What I mean by that is that I will for exapmle allow myself to sleep in in the morning or nap during the day if I'm feeling really exhausted and miserable and am having an awful day. I find that my insomnia and the resulting tiredness are so unbearably awful sometimes, that I don't know where to summon the discipline from to “stay awake” during the day, so that I can sleep better at night.

Sleep being so elusive at night… is something that I will gladly take if it offers itself during the day – it is such a luxury – it feels like everything good and perfect rolled into one – it is such sweet relief.

But from a rational point of view, I do know that this is not exactly *helpful* or improving matters…

So – maybe for me, step 1 is going to be: honestly writing down when I sleep/ how much I sleep/ etc.

So – over Xmas and the New Year I have gotten into a really weird sleep pattern. I haven't been sleeping at night, but falling asleep at about 8am in the mornings and then sleeping til about 5pm in the afternoons.

As I type this, I realise that I feel embarassed about it. Society and our family and friends try and make us believe that sleeping during the day = laziness and that it is pretty much an immoral thing to do. I guess if you are a shift-worker or seriously ill with a major flu or worse – those are the exceptions.

But heaven forbid if you “only” have severe, crippling, chronic insomnia – OH NO, that doesn't count as an “excuse”!!!

I hate that!

I hate people being “smart” and telling me that my sleeping during the day is the CAUSE of my insomnia, not it's EFFECT.

As I've written in my “Introduction Post” I have had my insomnia since suffering an episode of major trauma at the age of seven. Seeing as I was going to Primary School at the time, I was certainly not doing any “day-time sleeping” then – I have never been good at taking afternoon naps either – so at that age I was simply very very sleep-deprived.

So no, catching up sleep during the day is ABSOLUTELY NOT the cause of my insomnia.

If my (knowledgeable) doctor or fellow insomniacs point out that: while sleeping during the day may not be the cause of my insomnia, it is still not helpful in treating my insomnia – I whole heartedly agree.

As I say, it's not something I do on purpose, I try to avoid doing it, but some days I simply have no inner strength left to resist it.

So yeah, I find it emarassing to have slept those odd hours over the holidays.

The last 3 nights I've not fallen asleep til the mornings too – but also not slept very much during the day.

It's Wednesday today and Monday and Tuesday I only had 2 hours of “catch up” sleep in total. So from Monday til this morning, I only had a total of 4 hours sleep at all.

Today I was going to try and stay up again and not nap during the day, but I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at about 1pm (I think) and slept til about 5pm. So that's another 4 hours, which makes a grand total of 8 hours in 3 days.

Tomorrow I will have to get up earlier and stay up, because I have work and appointments to take care of. I am not looking forward to feeling tired, sooky, groggy and irritable tomorrow.

But I am looking forward to getting back into some semblance of my “usual” insomnia routine, which sees me falling asleep at around 3am.

Right now it's quater to 10 at night here. I plan to have a shower and brush my teeth, do some stretching exercises for my back (if I can find enough energy) and then to get comfy in bed (oh and to set my alarm clock for 9 am – I think I will need to ease myself back into a “normal” schedule).

For me, “setting my alarm clock” involves the following: Setting my clock-radio (which has 2 separate alarms – I use both), setting the alarms on my mobile phone (it has 5 and I use them all), setting my old-fashioned alarm clock. If I know I will be incredibly tired then I also set 3 additional alarms on my land-line phone… So that's… how many? Eleven alarms in all…. (And yes! I need them….)

Once I am comfy in bed, I will try my deep-breathing exercises, my muscle-relaxation exercises, try doing some gentle meditation, if needed try counting backwards from 200….

If I find I can't fall asleep for what seems like “too long a time” I will try and log in here again and add to this sleep journal.

Wishing everyone here sweet dreams!

Groggy

[groggy]

Okay, so it's 11:30 pm and I've just crawled under the covers. Pretty early night, for my standards.

Even though I was deliriously tired today, I'm not feeling relatively “awake” (ie. alert, despite tiredness) and feel anxiety and panicky feelings starting to rise.

How can the “simple” act of falling asleep be fraught with so much tension for me?

It's almost like I'm afraid of it.

And yes, I've tried analysing this endlessly over the years – have sought the help of a therapist to work it out – all to no avail.

It's weird. It's like a night I enter into some sort of arena and I battle sleep. On the one hand I need and crave it desperately, on the other I can't bear letting sleep “win”…

I hope that by being part of this forum, I will feel less alone and lonely as an insomniac.

Because I think that's one of my major emotions connected to it.

Lieing awake at night – everyone else is asleep.

No one else to talk to. To tell your worries to.

Or even just to pass the time with, to maybe giggle and have fun with, if sleep isn't an option…

Over the years I've also come to cherish that “aloneness” in a certain way – nowadays I love being up, when the rest of the world is asleep – I feel like the whole world belongs to me then – cos I'm the only one up and about.

But as a child I found it excruciatingly lonely and only many years later did I find people who also had as much trouble sleeping.

So I will try and think of the people here as my fellow insomniacs – many of whom are also (still) awake right now and I will feel like part of a community in my sleeplessness.

Sweet dreams

Groggy

[groggy]

Poop. It's 2:30 am and I'm still going strong.

I followed the advice in Martin's 2nd email today and turned my alarm clock around… but when I just got myself a drink of water in the kitchen, I saw the kitchen clock.

I'm feeling quite peaceful at the moment – just like I have been, sleeping these odd hours for the last week. Not feeling worried about my tiredness levels tomorrow (though it would make more sense if I did.)

I'm tempted to just stay up again. Read, watch TV, check out things on-line.

What I don't really understand is why my brain and body seem to find it acceptable to sleep during the day, but not at night? I wonder whether there's any useful research been done on that. Cos it seems so ridiculous…

Hmm.

As challenging as I find the evening/ nighttime problems involved with insomnia (ie. trying to fall asleep) what I find far more harrowing are the daytime problems – ie. trying to stay awake/ functional.

I always worry that I will burst into tears or snap at someone or get overly emotional and rant at people to leave me alone… Basically I worry that I'm going to seem/ act like a nutcase.

And I'm not sure that if I say, as I bawl away, that it's cos I suffer from insomnia and have not had enough sleep in over a week… Well, I'm not sure whether that's going to cut it with people…

But that's how I feel – I just want to scream until everyone runs away and leaves me in peace.

So yes, that's by far the more challenging part of insomnia for me.

Because at night, while it often feels miserable not to be getting the sleep I crave, I know it's just me getting frustrated – nothing else, nothing more sinister.

But during the day, I worry that I will do things that may cause me to lose my job, that I may behave so irritably that it may ruin my relationship, that I might yell at the neighbours or my landlord, hence possibly having my lease terminated… and so on and so on… you get the picture.

So during the daytime, my insomnia has possibly far-reaching, serious, dire consequences. And that scares me.

I'm trying to learn to “accept” that and live with it – trying to explain to friends and colleagues and neighbours “Sorry, but I have shockingly bad insomnia – I only got an hour's sleep last night – I feel like I'm about to fall into a coma soon – please forgive me if I'm grumpy and slow today…”

I guess if I put enough of these sorts of safety nets in place, I may feel safer about being out and about in a seriously “not fit” state…

Because I do truly feel like I am “not myself” when so utterly sleep-deprived.

I am on some sort of “survival mode” just trying to cope/ survive the day…

As if all of my “higher” brain functions are not working and I just have plain animal instincts to guide me through the day.

Well, thanks for hearing me.

I guess I'd better get back to trying to fall asleep.

Sweet dreams

Groggy

[groggy]

Oh dear. The computer display says it's 3:42am. Can't type very well.

Doesn't look like I'll be getting much sleep tonight.

I'm wondering what I can do to help myself cope tomorrow?

Have some coffee, obviously. But what else?

So, I'm getting up at 9:00 and need to do some work from home til noon, when I'm doing an hour's sport class. Then more work from home, a 1hr appt at 3pm, then meeting a friend at 4pm to help her with her accounting.

How am I going to manage to be semi-productive from 9am til noon, without falling asleep or without feeling 100% miserable?

Cos right now, insomnia feels less like a sleep problem to me, and more like an (a)wake problem…

I am going to feel like crying (and probably yelling) all day tomorrow. (That sounds awful!! – How do I make it a worthwhile day in my life?!)

I'm trying to think of “nice & caring” things to do for myself to get me through the day, that won't just irritate or annoy me.

I guess drinking lots of cups of herbal tea. Trying to enjoy a nice shower – or even a bath, maybe. Maybe do my new favourite exercise DVD to wake myself up a bit. Have a yummy breakfast. Dress extra-warm (I freeze really easily when tired/ sleepless.) Post here, I guess, if I'm feeling really alone and frustrated with the tiredness issue. I'm also wondering whether I can do 5 minute rests with eyes closed (or will I just not get up again and accidentally fall asleep? – I mean I could set the timer on my mobile phone…) Listen to some soothing music while I work. Use my spiky massage ball to massage my aching hands and feet (my muscles get tense and sore when I'm over-tired). Try splashing some cold water in my face??? (Tho I suspect I'm going to HATE that – will feel like additional torture to poor, tired me…)

Okay, gonna try and catch some of that elusive sleep…

G

[Tired Ted]

Oh Groggy . . . what a rough time you are having and thank goodness you found this forum.

You sound just like I used to feel . . . . Sorry, sorry everybody !

I think it would maybe help if you try to stop saying and feeling sorry to / for others and realise that it is you who needs comfort and support – I found it difficult at first but am getting better at it ! What you are going through is not your fault and you most definitely do not need to apologise for it as you are doing everything you possibly can to resolve it.

Martins emails in the next few days will really put how you feel at the moment into perspective for you. I am not criticising you here, I just want you to not feel as guilty as only a fellow overly apologetic insomniac could understand !

I was disappointed that I woke up at 2 am but so impressed with myself for being disappointed and not frustrated or angry. I listened to a few meditation apps and would have possibly got back to sleep if I hadnt been thinking about printing and cutting out the pattern for the icing on my wedding cake ! The wedding cake was another wee small hours project – I get up when I am awake, rather than toss / turn and get wound up because I cant get to sleep . . . I have found and am really enjoying a creative side I didn't even know I had – now there is a positive of this flaming insomnia !

Like you I could have done with a better nights sleep for work today but I do find it easier to stay awake when at work as slumping on my desk is not pretty, or acceptable where I work !

Keep your chin up . . . try not to aplogise for the awful and challenging enough symptoms of insomnia and remember INSOMNIACS R US – we are all in this together to help each other live with insomnia . . . as peacefully as we can.

Good luck for work and other activities today.

Really Tired Ted x

[groggy]

Well, I ended up falling asleep at just before 5am. Just woke up now, at 8:20am by myself, without the alarm going off. (Which is good.)

I feel relatively rested, after 3.5 hours of sleep (but I know I'll be pretty tired during the rest of the day).

I guess it's time to get up and have a coffee, before I get too snuggly and comfy under the covers…

[Tired Ted]

How well are we doing . . . More than 3 hours sleep in the right part of the day . . . Watch out INSOMNIA . . . Your days are numbered ( hopefully ! )

[groggy]

Good morning Tired Ted!! 🙂

Thanks for your post – that's so sweet!

I understand your comment about not apologising to everyone. It's not really how I want to be acting either – I think I'm usually more confident and assertive than that – it's just that my insomniac irritability and desire to cry/ yell scares me a bit!!

How lovely that you design your wedding cake when you wake up!! That is such a soothing, creative thing to do 🙂

And well done on not getting upset about waking up – that sounds like good progress!!

Well, I hope we both and all other insomniacs here on this forum and out there in the rest of the world have a good day, without too many bouts of tiredness or exhaustion.

And I have to say, reading a message from a fellow-insomniac first thing in the morning and feeling that someone understands and relates what a challenge the night has been and what a challenge the day will be – that is sooooo lovely!! How gorgeous to know someone understands exactly how it feels… What a wonderful change to feeling you are misunderstood by and need to justify yourself to all those normal sleepers around you 😉

Wishing you all an easy day and the power to deal with it well!

Groggy

[groggy]

Haha – absolutely 🙂 Watch out day, here I come!

Have a great day Tired Ted!

[Tired Ted]

Ditto Groggy . . . Look forward to comparing notes on how our days have gone in the wee small hours

TT x

[groggy]

🙂 Tired Ted

…. 10:30am – I'm doing well. I have gotten a good part of my work done already – quicker and easier than I thought/ had feared…

I feel a bit like my day is like some sort of army manouevre/ mission … like I am making a plan of action as to how to survive out there, in the crossfire, to focus on my objectives and to go, go, go!!

(Which is weird, because I am very much a pacifist and not a fan of military stuff…! (Just to set that straight…!))

But yeah, I really do feel a bit like a soldier in the trenches… trying to focus on staying alive and not to let morale slip… haha…

I have hit a bit of a tired patch at the moment (which is why I'm posting here)… and not entirely sure where to go with it… Maybe I'll go and splash some more cold water in my face… I managed to do so this morning, first thing after I got up – without getting sooky about it at all, haha!

Not sure what to do next… my exercises? Have my (late) breakfast/ brunch? (A bowl of porridge with banana) Have 5 mins of rest?

Right… I'm gonna do 5 mins of rest, then my exercise DVD to be rounded of by brunch with a cup of herbal tea…

Plan of operation all set up, soldier!!

:wacko:

[Tired Ted]

Well that is very positive and a great strategy — look forward to hearing how it all came together.

I have had a lovely day so far . . . . didn’t have to get in until 10.00 am then went to Columbia for the coffee ( AKA got talking to someone and was out of the office longer than I had expected . . . this Happy New Year chat takes longer than you realise ! ) and now it is almost time to put my healthy homemade soup with pasta in the micro !

Going for a perk me up walk at lunch with my friend and will then be straight back at it until I leave at 4.00 pm for a much earned rest after 2 days back at work.

Keep up the good work and look forward to the military debriefs as they come in.

Tired Ted x

[groggy]

Wow, Ted (Shall I call you Teddy??) (Ted sounds so male, and with ovarian issues, I'm assuming you're not! 🙂 )

Your day sounds great – like you are looking after yourself really well. A huge “Well done!”

I've just come back from sport, which was totally invigorating…

Gotta dash off to my next appointment….

Bye!

Groggy

[Martin Reed]

Thanks for sharing, Groggy – I am sure many others reading this seek comfort in your posts. One of the biggest frustrations of insomnia is the feeling of isolation. At Insomnia Land, you're among a lot of support and understanding.

Normally, it's a good idea to try avoiding daytime naps – the more 'sleep pressure' you can build, the more likely you are to regain a 'normal' sleep routine.

That being said, it's all about what works for you and what makes you feel good.

No lectures here – just understanding.

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Clarity program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[groggy]

Oh crap.

Met a friend on the way home and we had a L. Macchiato with double Espresso (me to try and stay awake) and now I'm all shaky and my heart is racing… Coffee overdose…. 😮

The things we insomniacs do….

[Author]

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