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I think I had an insight today. My sleep window is 12ish to 6 ish and I’ve been trying to practice the awake exercise, which has been hard for me. I can do up to the “experience” piece. I realized I have a hard time experiencing difficult feelings in general. I usually want to feel mostly good most of the time. I want to feel energized, mostly happy, and productive with my day. I think why insomnia is so hard is because it is so far away from my baseline of how I want to feel. Today I had the thought…I’m trying so hard to control my life experience, not just with sleep but a lot of other factors. My work, my partner, the future, finances. Sometimes I am just trying to control these things with my mind. Not even with behaviors. Like mentally wanting my work to be different but not doing anything to change it or wanting a certain thing out of the future but not taking action to plan for it. I’m seeing how much I try to control things that I can’t control. Not with actions but with my mind. Then my body reacts to the control attempts and that’s where stress, fear and anxiety step in. I took a step back and saw that my obsessing could be about many things: sleep, health, money, aging. I had a moment where I could see myself doing it and I thought wow that’s a lot of wasted energy worrying about the future. And tomorrow after a difficult night’s sleep is the future. I’ll doubt I’ll sleep tonight but it’s progress no perfection.
