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A big change in ones life such as a new job can absolutely be a trigger for people like us. You have to give it time and you have to settle in. I remember my first couple of weeks and especially first week of work from home. I didn’t have to commute so you’d think more sleep would be no problem, right? Turned out the anxiety of making sure I logged into the laptop and set up everything correctly got to me. It was a whole new world (never had worked from home before). After a while I slept well again once I was comfortable. It’s tough, but unfortunately the anxiety is wired in our DNA in my opinion. As long as you’ve done the previous work to understand that you can in fact sleep well and it’s just the anxiety tampering with your sleep, then you will eventually be fine. Hopefully sooner than later for you, Delv.
Hard to beleive I’m back, but I have hit rockbottom today, and am back here looking for support. Long story short, I’m back in the office full time since late January after nearly two years of work from home/hybrid, and simply put it has not been good to my sleep. This bad phase has gone on so long now that my poor sleep is even carrying over to the weekend, though I do sleep better overall on those days. In any event, even though my overall understanding of insomnia, sleep anxiety and sleep in general is compeletely changed from where I was years ago, I am currently in a full fledged bad phase the likes of which I have not experienced in a long, long time.
As I documented in earlier posts, being able to start working from home in March 2020 and eliminating my forced 10-1030pm bedtimes and my way too early 6:00am alarm and “trading” it in for what would become 11-1130pm bedtimes and a 7:30am wake up instead, essentially helped bring my already improving insomnia at the time to a near cured level. I was always more of a guy who went to bed a bit later normally, and being able to do so again was a beautiful thing. I still had the occasional bad night and sometimes bad weeks while working from home, but for the most part it was a completely different world for me of remembering what feeling refreshed (most days) felt like. As the return to the office and hybrid working began in late 2021, (every other day in the office), my alarm anxiety began returning, little by little, and ever since my full time return in late January I have basically been a mess.
My casual later (usually 11pm) bedtimes turned into back into forced 10pm bedtimes, with the all too familiar “Better fall asleep soon or you’ll be exhausted tomorrow” feelings. And yes, I know I shouldn’t think like that. I know all the rules. I know ACT. I know it all. But the bottom line is if a person isn’t tired, they’re just not going to fall asleep. Go to bed later? It could work. Problem is though now I don’t have the extra time to sleep once the morning comes around. The story is once I head to bed around 10pm, I’ll typically toss and turn for an hour, only to finally fall asleep around the 11:30pm time. Given all that mess and that much time spent in bed awake, it triggers some inner anxiety that makes sleep less deep in general and almost always also leads to the dreaded early wakeups even before my alarm.
Simply put – having a forced 6am wakeup is NOT good for me.
I should note that even though it might sound like it, I don’t have actual “sleep fear” anymore at all, but instead just the general anxiety associated with having to wake up very early again, having to get ready, shower, get dressed, commute, and to be back in the office in general for five days after nearly two YEARS of what was an amazing stress free lifestyle, etc. When you’re an insomniac as I used to be, trading all that in to simply reach for your laptop on your nightstand in the morning is an amazing and life changing difference only people like us can truly understand. But as someone who always kind of struggled waking up very early even pre-insomnia, I knew full well that I would never fully “heal” as long as my 6am five days a week alarm was in place. In the months leading up to the pandemic in March 2020 I was finally looking to really make a move that would even get me a later schedule at work. So when the pandemic hit it was a blessing in disguise, so to speak. Now that life, or work at least, is back to normal full time, with it has come this dehabilating experience I am currently going through.
So in conclusion, at this point I think its safe to say that I am a person who is simply not cut out for early morning wakeups, at least not full time, and that I need to find a position at work that will allow me to come in later. That is my plan right now. If anyone, Martin especially, has any words of support or advice I’d love to hear. Thank you.
Hi Delv long time no speak. I definitely know what you mean. Recently I had a death in the family, along with a little bit of family drama included, and let’s just say falling asleep at my normal times was not happening for me. It was a very rough few nights. Couple that in with having to be back in the office now instead of working from home and it became pretty awful.
For me at least though, I’ve accepted the fact that this happens sometimes though, even as long as a week, maybe more, and then it will pass. Even normal sleepers experience this during rough times. Think of that Delv. I don’t think anybody sleeps well 365 nights a year.
Wow long time no speak, Delv. These days I am sleeping well most of the time and when I don’t, my anxiety is behind it, which was really the case all along with me, it was just at a more serious degree back then. Gone are the days of having to do any form of sleep restriction, ACT, “wind downs”, herbal tea or even no phones an hour before bed. Though all those things were somewhat important imo with regards to ridding my brain/body of the overwhelming insane sleep anxiety at the time from late 2016 to what I’d say was mid 2019. These days I am back to being a normal sleeper who just so happens to have their sleep disrupted by anxiety. It’s not extreme enough for me to be on medication (never have) and it’s not extreme enough for me to need to be in therapy, but it’s definitely there and I try and work on it.
For example the early wake ups for work, I always explained how those were a problem in my recovery, but the truth is, they were always somewhat of a problem for me. Even before my insomina began, waking up that early gave me trouble sometime. Maybe not to the extent it eventually did, but there were some issues. But while my ‘alarm anxiety’ has subsided almost completely these days, it’s more so my regular anxiety that can be the main culprit, whether it being something happening to me during the day, or especially a few hrs prior to sleep, that can take over my mind and give me trouble that night. For example recently I had some very serious car trouble that turned my world upside down for a bit. It caused my mind to worry and these thoughts would take over a bit while in bed, causing me to fall asleep super late and also led to somewhat broken sleep. The next day I felt like a zombie, though these days I don’t let it bother me like I used to because I know in short time, whether in another day or even a few days, things will subside and I will sleep better.
It still makes me nervous of course. What if I have a kid one day or what if a family member of mine gets sick/in trouble or what if I start a new job that requires me to be on the ball in a huge way? I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a bit of an anxious person in general. Always have been. But maybe one day I will have to experiment with some sort of sleep aid, even if it’s just temporarily. I know that’s the last thing we want to have to deal with (pills), but the reality is some of us are just prone to being this way and there’s not all that much we can do to completely rid ourselves of it.
Until next time, hope you are doing well.
Yup I’ve been there. Lord knows I’ve been there. I really hope you recover into another 1-2 year if not longer recovery. I guess at this point I’m just back trying to “decipher” whats wrong and what’s caused this relapse of mine, but deep down I know it’s just the typical anxiety again flaring up. I still haven’t ruled out pills as a temporary fix until I can get back on track, because clearly this may be some sort of long term problem for me now. After recovering so well last year I honestly never thought I’d be back here.
Very interesting that you had 2 YEARS of what you call “perfect” sleep and are now in the midst of a relapse. On one hand yes, I would be very upset that you’re revisiting this awful phase of life, but on the other, damn, 2 years, thats a success and should be clear cut evidence that you can put this behind you for another 2 years. I’m curious how long did your initial run with insomnia last and what triggered it initially? Have you lived in different homes in all this time?
Hi Manfred. For the most part I am doing very well these days. I consider myself 90-95% recovered from the nightmare that (on and off) took over my life for the better part of several years. There are still a few issues though.
One, and this one is rather innocent- I still have the occasional odd night where for no reason I’ll just have poor sleep, but like so many other recovered people, I know this is just that, an odd night, and that this isn’t and never was a permanent thing.
Two- I STILL to this day cannot seem to get over my final battle of “special event insomnia”. I spoke about this many times in some of my previous posts. Whether it be a job interview, a hot date, or even just something of significance the next day, that old awful feeling will typically creep in the night before. I’ll think about said special event and even in the smallest of ways, the anxiety will be there. It scares me honestly bc I think about the future. What would I ever do if let’s say I have a kid one day. I’m an anxious person in general. That’s part of the reason why I ended up in this mess. I’ve spoken to my therapist about it all and she suggested possibly trying medication at this point ONLY on these rare nights when anxiety creeps in. (Benzos)
I’ll admit that one on hand it seems like a step backwards and in the wrong direction, but on the other- this has gone on for so long now that who knows, maybe this is just the way it is. I have anxiety, and maybe, just maybe I need a little extra help. It’s just hard when all I’ve ever read about and heard about is “stay away from the sleeping pills” while also knowing I’ve recovered huge, but still, I’m talking about medication.
But all I know is that something has to give, because this special event insomnia continues on, rarely ever failing to strike me.
Deb I will be honest with you… We were sent back home from work in early October after someone in our office got a serious case of Covid. Looks like we will stay home until early next year at this point. So it’s no question that my transition into sleeping well again had to do with this. Two weeks or so into being home I was able to kick my relapse and have been joyfully sleeping until 7-7:30 again most days.
Deb I think I’ve realized this is just who I am and how I live. I simply am not built for and do not do well with wakeups as early as 6am (who does, really?). While working from home this year it’s been a beautiful thing feeling human again. Looking into the mirror without super dark circles and going about my day feeling refreshed. As opposed to dreadfully waking at that 6am alarm and forcing myself in the shower and driving to work exhausted. Instead of going to bed and trying to hit the hay around 10-10:30, now it’s been 11-11:30. It’s just my body. This was the way I was before I started my 6am wakeup job too. As you may remember me saying sometimes, I was far from a perfect sleeper before my insomnia began with this job, years ago. NEVER was I truly comfortable with 6am.
It just is what it is at this point. I’ve learned a lot. 2020 as bad as it has been has also been a blessing in disguise and the realization that I simply need to get another job with a better schedule. The last 1-2 years before I went to work from home as much as Insomnia was still the issue it was really the 6am wakeup calls that held things in place. Once I started working from home and waking later, everything changed. Not too hard to figure it all out. It probably won’t be good again when I return to the office. So, for now I’m enjoying life again and enjoying sleeping again. But I know it’s time to make a change because I’ve figured out all the problems.
Long time no speak everyone! Just an update- Very shortly after my last post on October 24th, I started coming out of my awful relapse. Now some two months later I have been sleeping very well ever since.
Thanks for the reply Gsdmom. Very nice to hear that you have been in a decent place with sleep as opposed to the last time we spoke, even though you’ve recently experienced a relapse too, it seems. I know all about external issues that can cause a relapse. Whether it’s been physical like a sunburn or just me being flat out sick, or mental as in dealing with some sort of anxiety over a traumatic event (i.e. loss of a loved one) it seems people like us really do need the right conditions to put ourselves in a position to have good nights of sleep.
I’m still suffering over here. This is by far my longest relapse since I recovered during all those months while working from home. Difference now is it has carried over to the weekend a bit which I know is not a good thing, even though I can’t be too surprised. Really not sure if there’s anywhere to turn right now other than just to relaxation and more ACT. I know this relapse will eventually pass, but god it just brings me down so much experiencing such a bad phase of sleep for the first time in such a long time.
I guess I just need to find a way to look at the positives, right? Once upon a time I had anxiety through the roof about sleep and everything associated with it. Now when I have a bad night and even a bad phase this lengthy, I just view it as “This sucks”. Oh well, not much else to do other than to sleep it out, so to speak.
So nice to hear from you Deb. I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to write back! Haha. Yes I do still have those. As a matter of fact for the past week I had a decent amount of things going on and that definitely played the usual part in my troubles. I hear you about the waking up even a little bit earlier. Makes me think about my work issue in general that held my insomnia in place for so long (and apparently is continuing come back a bit now that I’m back in the office). Basically for some people like us, anxiety and sleep are often going to be an issue and when something is interfering with that (i.e. special events the next day, an early alarm, a traumatic event) it is usually going to make things more difficult. The best we can do, and this is what I’m trying, is just to relax the absolute best I can. If this phase lasts even a month, so be it. Even though I’m so over any of this I guess I still have to keep reminding myself (and you should too) that I’m in a spot 50x better than where I was years ago, or in my case, even a year ago.
Wow, long time no speak, everyone! Deb, Steve, etc, How have you all been doing? I wanted to reach out with an update on me. Its been almost two months now since I’m back in the office and initially things were going ok. Not perfect, but well enough to the point where the recovery I was having during my FIVE month work from home phase appeared to be carrying over relatively well. Suddenly things have gone a bit South though the last two full weeks, aside from a day or two, I’ve experienced poor sleep. For those who know me best it’s the usual. Typically I have no problem falling asleep within an hour but it’s the early awakenings that kill me. I’ll try and doze back off but its either broken sleep or just bad sleep in general until my alarm goes off.
Now typically the best course of action myself and many of us know during all this is not “trying” to get out of anything. Just accepting (ACT) that I’m in a bad phase of sleep and that it will pass eventually. These “bad phases” as I would know them as used to last much longer. A month, often two, before they would fade away briefly only to return. Then, during my work from home phase they would start to be much shorter… A week, 10 days at most. But now here I am back at work, with my alarm set in place every morning, I’m just afraid that the old way of insomnia might be beginning to get more reinforced. I know there’s really not much to do though. I’ve come such a long way. But I’d be lying if I said I had no frustration building up because of this. Sitting at work a zombie now day after day sipping my coffee while being somewhat hesitant to commit to plans is bringing back memories of old that I just want absolutely positively nothing to do with…
Wonderful to hear from you Borg and thanks for the update. I have reached what I feel is a similar boat to you. While not a perfect sleeper, I have conquered the fear and the psychological trauma that Insomnia caused me for so long. For me though it is a little more difficult to get by on 5 or 6 hours (I’m still pretty certain that I need a good 7 hrs to feel well) but I am still trying the best I can to get even better.
I worked from home for the last 5 months of my life and learned a lot about myself. I learned more than anything that my usual work alarm of 6am was simply too early for my body in general and adding on the battle of Insomnia that came just made it almost impossible to defeat. So, these 5 months, even though horrible bc of the pandemic and what not, were really a blessing in disguise for me at least. They were a reset so to speak. Last week I finally returned to the office and the dreaded early alarm again has caused some bad sleep to return as I predicted. But with that being said I am no longer letting things really get to me like they used to and am remaining calm while hoping my sleep gets better until a day comes where I can move into a new job that allows me to sleep a little later. During work from home I came to the conclusion that my body generally moves a little “later” than most.
Compared to the 10-1030 bedtime pre Covid, I would tend to crash around the average time of 11-1130pm instead. Wakeups would be around 7am instead of the usual 6am, and meals would be eaten a little later than usual as well. Lunch at 1or 2 instead of 12, dinner at 7 or 8 instead of 5 or 6. This is just how I am and it’s who I am. Even before insomnia the 6am wakeups never agreed with me. This last year and all that’s come with it has all been such an awakening and I’ve learned so much. I look back at myself in 2017 and 2018 and cringe! While I’m still not fully healed, I have reached a good amount of light at the end of what was a VERY dark tunnel for me and I’m just thrilled that I’m not stuck in it anymore.
-Mac
Hi Deb, so glad you are continuing to do very well. I am going back to the office after Labor Day. We had an extension as far as working from home goes, so that was nice, and got me even more time to continue sleeping well. I know going back will likely result in a big bump in the road for me, it’s inevitable, but whether i eventually get through it naturally or end up in a job with a later start time that finally allows me to sleep a little later, I feel I will be able to handle things better if they get rough again.
