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I agree. Perhaps a nice thread just to share thoughts on trying to recover. What should it be named ?
Finally began SRT again, officially, Monday night. Have had two mediocre nights in a row, with last night being worse. This journey began with SRT on January 1st as Deb, Delv and others may know, and through some serious lows early on and eventually by March some nice highs. I learned a lot through this all, with the most obvious and important thing being that fixing chronic insomnia is anything but a quick/overnight fix. Fixing what is really a completely traumatized nervous system is not an easy task and takes discipline and it takes time. I began to decline about a month ago ironically immediately following what was my greatest phase yet of one full week of near perfect sleep of 7 hours or so a night. I’m still not sure what happened. Maybe my brain just got so comfortable that I felt like I was “due” for some bad sleep.
I just know it began with a bad night and absolutely spiraled until I hit rock bottom about a week or so ago. So here I am again, over 4 months later from that New Year’s Day, back at square one. Sad and sickening really. Knowing that this has all really consumed my life for the last 2.5 years and how at one point two months ago or so I thought it was really and truly behind me. It’s true what many have said on here, how SRT absolutely makes you think about Insomnia more, which yes could seem like a very bad thing at first, but the reality is if you stick to SRT like I plan to, it soon begins to fade, especially as you begin to do well and become less “restricted” with the sleep window.
The problem and my fear is that this may be a never ending cycle. That my nervous system or brain, whatever you want to call it, is just somehow permanently traumatized to the point where I may never be a 100% normal sleeper in my bedroom again. The bedroom that I associate sleep fear with the most. I’ve slept better in hotels. I’ve slept better at my parents. I’ve done other things that have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt this is all related to my own bed where these sleep issues began during that infamous week 2.5 years ago in late 2016. I hope I can come out the other side. I hope I can look back on this phase in my life as a distant memory one day. Maybe I will. I felt like I was almost there at one point. Gone from these forums. Gone from thinking a lot about sleep in general. I was almost there just 2 months ago. I appreciate all the help and support on this site and from Martin who’s been nice enough to chime in a few times. But we shall see. We shall just see.
Thanks for all that Deb. I need the help right now. As far as SC and getting out of bed if I can’t fall back asleep, no, I don’t practice that anymore bc I don’t need to. When I was waking in the middle of the night back in the day with crazy anxiety, whole different story. Same when I couldn’t fall asleep within a certain amount of time. These days those problems are behind me which is great, but that doesn’t change the fact that a 4:30 or 5am wake up kills me when my alarm is set for 6am.
I simply cannot get by on 5 hours, end of story. But yeah, If I’m up too early like at 5 lets say, there’s really no point in getting out of bed bc its already almost time to “wake up” at that point. I already know the formula that will help me get better again, and its going back to a sleep window SRT style. 11:30p-6aor whatever it will be like I was doing in Jan/Feb. Problem of course is what happens when I hit this relapse situation again? Is this just a never ending cycle for me I wonder? I’ve come so far, make no mistake Deb. So far from the days of freaking out by thinking this had to do with my diet, or rearranging my room in a different way, or buying new SHEETS thinking that would help, etc. I was a straight up crazy person at one point. That’s gone and that’s great. But I’m still not there.
Perhaps I subconsciously got overly cocky when I began doing better. There’s no doubt I had plenty nights where I’d jump into bed probably a little too early, not fully exhausted. But hey, I figured maybe I was getting better. Reverting back to a normal sleeper. Some nights it was even fine. I’d go to bed around 11 not completely shot, and I’d still make it very close to or to my 6am alarm. Today is my breaking point though IMO. It’s time to go back to SRT once and for all. But like I said, where this all really ends I dont know.
Very sorry for the late response Deb. Like I’ve said before I’m trying to move away from the everyday visiting of these forums though I probably shouldn’t stay too far away since I’m in serious trouble right now and need some help. The days of SR and SC pretty much ended for me a while back now and I’ve been trying to just stick to a few of the obvious basic rules hoping they’d hold me over. Like never going to bed unless exhausted and never lying in.
A “bad” night for me is still the same, Deb. Rarely ever any trouble falling asleep. I feel some small anxiety but NOTHING like I used to, and after a half hour on average I’m out. The problem is still waking too early. It’s back to a crap shoot again, with more bad nights than not. Lately the anxiety is building bc of my recent woes hence a pattern has formed.
Sunday night however I actually had a great night. Felt like an amazing person yesterday. Today, forget about it. Woke up probably 1.5 hours before my alarm. A far cry even from my “semi bad” nights when I’d be on here complaining about not being able to make it past 6.5 hours. I just cannot live like this anymore Deb. I feel disabled. 4 months later here we are still struggling, or at least me. Unable to live my life to the fullest and unable to do everything I want. I cannot work out whenever I want to, hang out with friends whenever I want to and I cannot date whenever I want to because of this problem. I was doing SO much better for quite a while though as you know. It appeared only a month ago that insomnia and my daily trips to this thread were behind me. I had my first ever week long spree of good nights in years. Now I’m back in a serious rut and I’m just so upset that I pretty much have to revert back to some strict SRT because this crap shoot game is a never ending cycle.
Another bad night. On a Friday nonetheless. In some real trouble now. Staying calm though. I think I need to come to the realization once and for all that once in a bad phase/relapse there is simply no snapping my fingers and turning things around in one night. My nervous system is more jumpy bc of this relapse, as is my mentality overall. Whether it’s some NyQuil or whether its implementing SRT again, once thing I’ve learned in all of this is that in this pivotal moment I need to do something to ENSURE I can just sleep well for a night or two. Then I can try and build on that instead of just heading to bed the last few nights just hoping things turn around. I’m sure many would agree that’s a bad route to go.
Just insane of course. Weeks ago I’m sleeping better than ever, seeing the brightest light at the end of the tunnel, weening myself away from these forums and thinking about writing a success story, thinking back to just how bad I was months ago and cringing at just how anxious I was, and now look at me, somehow someway back in a similar spot again. The brain is one powerful and strange thing.
Really nice to read all that Deb. I don’t think many sufferers including myself would disagree that CBT/SR does in fact work. It worked for me for sure. The problem I’ve run into and clearly you as well, is running into relapsed and not being able to handle them, so to speak.
I think that’s the real issue here imo. Not going back to the tools and having another good few weeks, but more so how to try whatever we can to STAY on those paths. What exact technique are you using right now besides the SR window that’s gotten you back in a nice groove?
Thanks Deb. I appreciate that. I guess I did leave out the fact that when this relapse began Thursday night, I was feeling a little under the weather (stomach bug). Same story Friday night. But by Sat I was fine. I guess my brain just let the two previous bad nights get to me, and here we are still days later. Sleep disturbances will still occur, yes. A bad night every once in a while is normal even for the good sleeper. But for me to fall back into a downright horrific spin of 5 nights is why I’m a bit up in arms here. I actually took a day off from work tomorrow (needed it anyway) so I can go to bed as anxiety free as possible tonight. Like so many times before coming out of a weekend, I bet you it will reset me a bit.
My problem is, and I know this might sound cocky, is I feel like I am over and past SRT at this stage. I’ve gone through enough of those short window nights of forcing myself to stay awake and everything that comes along with it. I feel like I’ve reached a point where I just need to figure out exactly how to battle potential relapses for after I have a bad night, or dare I say two, in a row. Martin, are you out there?
Thanks Deb. Obviously I know all about SR and it’s rules. Its where I was at for quite a while at one point in the beginning of this. Yes, I’m aware less is more and all that jazz. All I know is this comes down to one thing and one thing only – anxiety and sleep fear.
You could go to bed at 9pm every night and sleep in on occasion and be perfectly fine as long as you have zero anxiety about sleep. Remember those days before this all began for us? Remember when we never gave sleep any real second thoughts and before this hell was integrated in our brains? Point is, we can talk about SR, SC, ACT all we want and yes those ARE in fact the tools to get rid of the majority of our anxiety with regards to sleep, but what happens when most of the anxiety is gone like me? Just keep going in circles over and over until things reset? I mean this is crazy at this point IMO. I was doing so well. Got to a point of maybe 1-2 bad nights a week for a month. Then during that recent week of good sleep, wow, what a refreshed person I was. I was my old self for a full week for the first time in forever. Then suddenly, lord knows what happened. Went to bed one night as usual, had a bad night, and things absolutely spiraled. Now I’m at work again, venting on here, barely able to keep my eyes open, afraid to have a conversation with anyone, covering up my dark circles with makeup.
Meanwhile a week ago I was having visions of finally writing my success story on here.
I’m not going to vent or rant here for the rest of the week, but I just had to say I have fallen back into a hole here some 4.5 months into my re-training. Its absolutely stunning just how powerful the brain is and how much we let it control us. As I said yesterday, I went an entire WEEK with good sleep recently, and then, suddenly, beginning last Thursday night, I fell into an absolute hole of insomnia again. Last night was now my FIFTH bad night in a row, and the first in MONTHS where I had a middle of the night awakening. Cannot even believe I’m saying that. I wasn’t even super anxious before bed, at all, on the surface. But underlying, it was obviously there. I’ll admit I’ve felt a few more than normal anxious nerves while going to sleep the last few nights though. Can someone please put me in my place and help me snap out of this?
Thanks Delv but I have fallen into one hell of a stretch again. Fourth bad night in a row. As long as it took for my full week of good sleep, it’s taken just as long for a bad stretch like this to come back. Unreal. Circles under my eyes as dark as my black computer monitor.
I’m really not sure what it is anymore with regards to how this comes about. I guess when it rains it pours. It just seems like whenever I have a pair of back to back bad nights it’s a recipe for at least a small relapse. The thoughts creep back in a little harder during the day and before bed, the memories of just how brutal this all can be, etc. I know I have come a long way in not worrying as much, so I don’t know what it could really be. I didn’t go to bed when completely exhausted last night, I will admit that, but I’ve gotten so much better that I’ve actually progressed to going to bed when just “tired” and doing ok. Good, right? Well, not good today. Maybe I have to push it late tonight and get back into some sort of light SRT routine. Who knows.
Well said Delv. It’s tough. Very tough. But I honestly am still optimistic in that there is hope for a 100% recovery. It just make take a much, much longer time for certain people such as ourselves.
I am now over 4 1/2 months into my “stricter” routines of trying to get better and I can tell you that while I am better than I have ever been, I still struggle significantly sometimes. I had a day just under two weeks ago, where I swear it felt like one of those days where I belonged in a hospital bed I was so shot and exhausted. Then, in about the last week or so leading up to this weekend things were fine. Probably my greatest week in the last 4 1/2 months. Big part of the reason I’m posting right now. Then, beginning this past Thursday night, I’m not sure what happened, but I had a bad night and now both Friday and Saturday I have had poor nights. 3 sleepy days in a row and a weekend pretty much ruined. Very unusual for me on the weekends where I tend to do better but make no mistake have struggled in the past with many times.
I thought rough weekend sleeping was completely behind me, but apparently it isn’t. I still try and stay optimistic and still try and be happy knowing that my overall anxiety has gone from 95% to probably 5% with regards to bedtime fear, but I can’t shake that feeling knowing that I may have some sort of brick ceiling in all of this that I may never be able to truly breakthrough. It’s tough.
Happy Easter to all who celebrate.
How are we all doing?? I figured it can’t be too detrimental to give each other updates every couple of weeks, can it? I’ve been doing “well” lately. Averaging about 2 bad nights a week. Staying positive. Trying to keep moving forward so to speak. It is what it is for me at the moment. Deb? Delv?
My problem at this point is, like I’m sure is yours too is, just bc I’m “better than I once was” doesn’t mean I’m at all happy or thrilled. Still being a zombie here and there or having my bad nights (like my last two) is anything but ok to me. Bc I’m not talking about feeling a TAD tired once or twice a week. That I could live with for the time being. I’m talking feeling legitimately tired like I have today and yesterday. Flat out bad nights that still occur at the very least once a week.
Sorry you had a rough night Delv. Did you only go to bed when totally exhausted/unable to keep your eyes open? What would you say your issues were? Its been a while of this for you now I feel. Not sure what level you’re at anxiety wise but if you’re not at least at a 70% removed from sleep fear point then getting out of bed is a total necessity IMO.
For me personally, I’m what I’d call “stable” at this point, though still struggling of course, sometimes very much. I’m trying to kind of move away from posting all the time here about my sleep, especially the bad stuff. I had another solid phase of 4 good nights going back through last week into the weekend. Then once the work week started things got rough again. Been tired yesterday and today. Though not zombie days, they’ve still been very rough days that make me upset and disgusted. Trying to remain calm though knowing in the back of my mind just how far I’ve come from the insane days of rearranging my bedroom in hopes to try and cure my sleep anxiety.
3 months now for me in this stricter recovery process. Better than I was at month one but as I said, still not great. Here’s to hoping that at 6 months I’m much better off
