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Last night was another poor night for me. The usual in bed by 10:30ish out by 11 up looking at a 5am clock. Actually wasn’t surprised either. I could feel the anxiety coming back stronger as I laid down last night. This is what happens. This is nothing new. This is insomnia. The worse you sleep, the more likely you’re to sleep poorly again unless you bring in some serious discipline. With that being said I think its time to completely reset for me. After progressing to get those rather nice recent 10-12 days of starting to at least “feel” legitimately healed, I think I made one too many slip ups. Going to bed too early, having sugary foods before bed, etc.
I guess the good news is that I feel like I really did taste the promise land a bit, and oh how nice it was. It’s motivating to think back to. Maybe now this will be more inspiration to know that even after almost 2 weeks of decent sleep, it still doesn’t mean anything. Maybe 2 months, but not 2 weeks.
@Delv thanks for sharing that article. Though just a basic SRT success story, it’s well written and relatable to plenty on these forums I’m sure. One interesting note at the end is where even after she’s better she asks her doctor if she’ll have to be like this for the rest of her life (having to stick to these sleep hygiene/bedtime rules) and the doc implies that its possible. That’s the fear I have. It’s funny how Sasha Stephens says that SRT can definitely end up being a crutch, but she apparently doesn’t think her version (that I’m doing) of what’s really just Light SRT can’t be. Just look at my previous 5-6 nights where things have fallen apart. I began going to sleep a bit earlier, one or two nights not totally exhausted before bed, and boom, I almost feel like I’m back close to square one now. Is this what my life is really going to be like? Is a traumatized nervous system unable to be completely cured?
Hi Deb. Wednesday night just like last night was the same story as its been for my “good” nights the last 1.5 months. I’ll head in my bed around 10:30pm when exhausted and unable to keep my eyes open, will still get that very light jolt of anxiety once I hit the bed, will crash around 11pm, only to wake around 5am, an entire hour before my alarm. On a RARE occasion like on weekends when the lingering alarm for work isn’t on my head I can sometimes get to 5:30am(or 6.5 hours) but like I’ve said a few times now, it’s as if my body just won’t allow me to sleep much longer. What’s happened occasionally is I’ll see it’s 5am and I’ll then nod off into some VERY light BS sleep for the last hour, but it’s almost as if its pointless. That hour is probably the equivalent of 5 minutes deep delta sleep. I’ve been happy in the sense that this is the most consistently well I’ve slept in 2.5 years, but at the same time I feel like I’ve just hit a ceiling now and that its almost impossible for me to get to those oh so nice and refreshing 7 hour nights. I don’t know. It’s been 2 weeks now of “good” nights with only 2-3 bad nights in those 2 weeks. Still can’t get close to more than 6 hours regularly. Getting frustrated.
Well guess who had a bad night? And guess who only has himself to blame? Unique scenario last night. After almost 1.5 months of my SRT and after 2 weeks with only 2 bad nights in those 2 weeks, I finally did it. I finally tested the waters. I went to bed extra early, 10pm. The earliest I’ve gone to bed in the 1.5 months. Anxiety was low. Felt good. Was tired, but not shot. Again, this was a test.
Woke up 3am!! Went in and out of BS REM sleep for the next 2 hours before waking up at 5am, an hour before my alarm. Shot to hell today. Zombie personified. So, yup, that was a fail. Back to the grind I go. Maybe I can do my next test in 2020 ((cringe laughs))
Deb you had one bad night here. Recently you’ve been doing very well from what I recall. I would not panic right now. Relax. Think about all the good nights you’ve been having lately. You said it yourself his program has been working for you overall. There’s no such thing as a recovering insomniac going full steam ahead with not a single bad night here and there.
Deb I’m really sorry to hear you are struggling today… it might not seem like such uplifting words but at least your sleep problem by far isn’t as bad as it could be. Yours is down to one issue and one issue only. Being unable to fall asleep. Let me ask you this… First, do you think it might be better to go back to your 12a-6a window? Second, since for you its just about falling asleep, have you ever tried any of that sleepy time herbal tea or dare I say a drop of Nyquil here and there? While I am 99% anti sleeping pills/liquids, I will say that in my near 2.5 year research I’ve seen MANY cases of people being cured after they temporarily used something semi-innocent in order to get to just get to sleep which in turn helped their confidence and reduced their sleep anxiety.
Deb this is why I agree with Sasha’s thoughts on strict SRT. Before you know it, the entire thing ends up feeling like a crutch. You wanted to go to bed at 11 and were completely exhausted. I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with experimenting with it one night. She pushes the “don’t be too rigid” factor when it comes to rules. The last thing you want is to be healed only to find out you’re just “healed” after you begin going to eventually go to sleep earlier and find out it bothers you and makes you anxious by doing so.
Hi Deb. It’s been a mixture of a few things but yes, several times from the night of February 1 to February 9 it was case of me falling asleep around the usual time of let’s say 11, waking at 5, and then I’d be able to fall back asleep until 6. Not deep sleep in my opinion, but enough to absolutely make me feel ok for the day and ultimately continue to ease my sleep anxiety. There were also a few flat out cases of 11 to 5:30am in which case I would just get up and feel ok. I think 6.5 hours has always been my “ok” limit whereas 6 hours is iffy and as I’ve said many times anything under 6 and I’m toast. It took a LOT of work on my anxiety to be able to wake up, see the clock at 5am or so, and fall back asleep.
So ironically, last night I had a bad night. My first since January 31. However it wasn’t so much just a random bad night. Heard some weird noises outside my window for a good while and it began driving me crazy. Eventually I gave up on relaxing and trying to fall asleep. This then gave me anxiety which in turn led to sleep anxiety. Finally fell asleep for good around 11:30 I’d say, only to wake up at 4:45am. Flat out anxious sleep because of that noise. Feeling extremely exhausted today. Hoping for some words of encouragement and also hoping this doesn’t backtrack me anymore than it already has.
Howd you sleep last night ?
Ha, you’re certainly right Deb, when it comes to Insomnia at least. Looking back, my first sleep doctor had absolutely positively NO real clue how to treat my problem. He just told me to relax and to not think about it much. Sure! Though I will say one thing about this horrible condition. It’s one of those few things that you almost have to experience and go through yourself to fully understand and comprehend. That being said, you’d think a sleep doctor would KNOW of all these types of things we’ve been talking about here over the last month. The guy never said a word to me about spending less time in bed, cutting out electronics, or waking up the same time every day, etc.
Ever since my day of horror on Friday February 1st where I had such a horrible sleep the night before that I experienced dizziness (a rarity for me in these 2+ years), I’ve been sleeping ok. Beginning that Friday night I starting sticking to every tool I’ve had and haven’t gotten cocky one bit. I haven’t gotten 7 or 8 hours every night, but I can say I haven’t gotten anything less than 6 since February 1st. That’s huge for me. Last night I got 6.5. This is the longest stretch of “Decent to good” sleep I’ve gotten since beginning my SRT. But of course I know maybe more than anyone here how even a patch of 3 weeks can mean nothing if you don’t stick to it well or how it could simply just start coming back.
Now if it were 3 months of good sleep? Then I’d say I’m mostly cured. Time will tell. For all we know I could get 5 hours tonight. Don’t wanna jinx it of course! Just going by realistic possibilities instead of cockiness.
Hey Dragon. First of all there shouldn’t be a SET limit of time as far as when you should get up IMO. If you’ve been laying there for 30 minutes but still feel shot and confident that you will sleep soon, I would stay in bed. Its when you’re super anxious and know “I’m not falling asleep at all” is when you should absolutely get up. As far as how many times, well, it depends on just how bad of a case you are. If you’re new to this and its anxiety city in your head, then you must be strict to establish a connection between the brain and the bed that means sleep and only sleep. Therefore as long as you cannot fall asleep, yes, you should continue to get out of bed and stay out until you feel legitimately sleepy again. As always, do not enter the bedroom in general until you feel eye droopy sleepy. Not just “tired”. Good luck and stick around. There’s a lot of helpful advice on here.
Agreed Deb. Through the bad times we have to find a way to stay strong and keep going. Like I said last week, I’m not going to cure a traumatized overly anxious nervous system of 2+ years in just 2 weeks. It might take 2 months, and likely more than that. If it means not totally healed for 6 months I’ll even take that. But as hard as this process of getting better might be and as many ups and downs as there have been, its just good to know that it’s working for some of us, albeit even slightly.
I think one of the very hard things about recovering from insomnia that we don’t realize is this:
You can never really FORGET about the problem, at least early on, which in turn, halts the healing in certain subtle ways. Allow me to explain:
While one of the #1 things about trying to get better from this horrible condition is trying to relax and to not worry and to even try and forget about insomnia in general, the reality is that even doing ONE routine sleep hygiene thing consistently will remind you of your problem at least in some form. For some, including myself, this will sometimes trigger anxiety some nights, resulting in a bad night here and there which can be very frustrating as we all know. For example in the first few weeks, even putting my laptop away an hour before bed or turning the lights down can get me thinking of my problem. Now I’m past that, though the general in bed anxiety still lingers a bit here and there for sure. Last night it got me. The thing is though, if you stick to the program you’re doing (and it’s the right program), in the LONG term the anxiety will decrease and eventually you should begin having more good nights than bad which will lessen any overall anxiety more and more and more.
Wonderful to hear Deb, but lets not get c0cky of course, right? When you say this program works, can you explain exactly what you’ve been doing lately?
I had good nights Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. Last night, not so much. Though not a horrible night, I’m definitely tired today. Got about 6 hours I’d say. I’ll tell you as brutal as insomnia in general is, having a bad night after several good nights thinking you may just be healed has to be one of the worst feelings in all of this. Such a tease to go from 3-4 days of feeling well rested and good to feeling like a zombie again. I haven’t had a full week of good sleep in almost 2.5 years now, but I’m more optimistic than ever before, and I’ve been sleeping better than I ever have in a long time, so, here’s to staying the course and staying confident.
Deb you sound like you’ve been all over the place. I think its best you just continue with SRT and stick with it. Shorten your window again if you need to, and of course, the obvious, don’t enter that bedroom until you’re completely exhausted to the point where the exhaustion can outweigh most of the anxiety.
One other thing about me and my very bad night last night. It is interesting to note that from 10-11pm before I soon went to bed, I was watching a very entertaining, somewhat exciting/dramatic show. Normally when 10pm hits, I am winding down with something completely boring on the tube. I don’t think there is any irony that this was the first night in over a week that I was up past 10:30 watching TV feeling wide awake. It was the show that kept me up. I even sensed it a bit as I watched. Add on my constant laptop use for hours that went way later than usual, and its just another factor IMO.
This is why we as recovering insomniacs need to be very careful. Our nervous systems are still VERY fragile. This doesn’t go away after a day, a week or maybe even a month of better sleep. It’s difficult but also crucial IMO to stay the course until absolute certain you are 100% healed. Even with my decent past 8 days and nice few previous nights, I knew full well last night that I was still fragile. After 2+ years, I can honestly say (and feel) it will probably take me at least 2+ MONTHS of nonstop good sleep to be completely cured. Meanwhile I haven’t put together more than 3 good nights since my beginning of SRT.
Time to get back to reality. Have a good weekend everyone.
My previous 8 nights:
Thursday night 1/24 – good sleep. Felt good on Friday.
Friday night 1/25 – bad night. Felt tired on Saturday, but not zombie like.
Saturday night 1/26 – GREAT. Felt like a million bucks on Sunday.
Sunday night 1/27 – decent. Still tired on Monday but nothing horrible.
Monday night 1/28 – Bad night. Felt tired Tuesday, but not zombie like.
Tuesday night 1/29 – Good. Felt good on Wednesday.
Wednesday night 1/30 – After what has been a solid previous week, my sleep anxiety is at it’s lowest point in months. I go to bed and have a GREAT 7 hours of sleep. felt like a million bucks on Thursday.
And well, here I am again. Back here. Because then last night, Thursday night, it happened. A flat out really bad night. It wasn’t just cockiness. I truly felt like I was healing. I truly felt like this was a serious turn in my journey of getting better. So for starters, I kept my laptop open until 9:30pm. I had been on it for hours previously. Then, I had that sick thought in my head that’s happened many times over the last 2+ years. Since I had a decent little run in the previous week or so of feeling like I was getting better, I thought tonight MIGHT just “have to be” a bad night. Because this good run can’t go on forever, right? This is the mind of a chronic insomniac. This is the summary of my life the last 2+ years. A sick mind. Next thing I knew I wasn’t all that tired around what was my normal bedtime of 10:30ish in the previous 8 days. I didn’t go to bed until 11:15pm, and didn’t end up crashing for another half hour or so until 11:45pm. This would be the latest I’d end up asleep in over a week. I then woke at 5:15am. 5 ½ of sleep for someone who I’ve mentioned before cannot function with anything under 6. Today, Friday, I am a zombie. My eyes bloodshot. Dark circles brutal. My first zombie day in well over a week yeah, but still a setback, and a setback I didn’t really feel coming.
I’ve been on and off the last week or so as far as good and bad nights go, but the most important thing is that my belief that I can sleep again is getting better. This is a result of over the last month here in 2019 having what I feel are more good nights than bad. That might be around only 60% good nights, but I can tell you that in the few months prior to me beginning my light SRT, the bad nights absolutely outweighed the good. This is a powerful thing to think about. I am getting better in my opinion. Maybe not crazy fast, but I am. if there’s one thing I concluded in my 2+ years of this its that there is absolutely positively no quick fix or no overnight sudden “I’m better!” situation. Our nervous systems have been traumatized by a sleep fear and it is integrated into our brains. It’s our job to slowly but surely get it out, even when its mostly underlying which I feel is my case. For example when I go to sleep at night now, for the most part I’m cool and calm. But I still continue to have erly awakenings before my alarm. So something is definitely still there. But it’s a lot better than what it once was, without question.
My sleep anxiety has dropped overall, even if it’s been the tiniest bit, and that’s alright enough for me. That’s really the most important thing of course. The anxiety. The fear. Even through some of the bad nights, if you can push it aside and think back to the better nights you’ve been having, it will help ease you from feeling like a zombie some days. You have to be strong. You have to believe. It’s definitely not an easy thing to get over, at least not for a chronic case. Good luck to everyone. Going to take a break from here for at least a week or two. Will report back.
Yes I understand that me stating things like “defeat the anxiety” might SOUND like it’s a fight, please understand that’s not my real approach. After over 2 years of this, I know full well that the last thing a person a sleep problem should be doing is battling the bad thoughts in their mind every night. I just phrased it like that to make everyone understand that at the end of the day, it is in fact anxiety/fear that we must get rid of. Ultimately, trying to relax and trying to accept our worries is the smarter move of course.
Guy Meadows was one of the first people I found over 2 years ago when this all began for me. He has some good stuff. But Deb I will say that from reading your posts and seeing you seemingly look for and sign up for every program there is, it is concerning. Perhaps you are way more wound up than you need to be. If your log is really accurate and you are only having 2 bad nights out of 7 a week, is that really horrible? Can’t you just think back at that log every night and say to yourself “Well, I’m doing ok. I’m sure eventually I’m going to get even better” and just ride this out?
