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Some very good points, Taylor. Though I can assure you that on bad days my dark circles are absolutely there. Fortunately I have a light cover up that I put on to help. That’s right, makeup. But anyway, we just have to keep moving on. We have to keep accepting and trying to naturally and peacefully slowly but surely get back to a mindset that we had prior to insomnia. With the right tools (I.e ACT) we will get there. It’s just a matter of how long that’s the unfortunate part. Could be a few months for some. For others (especially anxiety prone people like myself), much longer…
Deb – How’d your day end up today with family?
Steve – What’s new with you lately?
Last night I had an iffy night. Went to the gym today tired which I rarely ever choose to do. Pushed myself. I know what I have to do and how to do it, but I just can’t help but feel so down sometimes still. Looking in the mirror, all these years later, with the dark circles under my eyes on days like today. People next to me at the gym all energetic and talking like they have all the energy in the world. Just makes matters worse for me. No more hoping right now. Just going with whatever flow comes, understanding that in time things should get much better.
Very interesting yet somewhat understandable mindset with the choice to take the pills, Deb. So basically what you’re implying is that you know you are in the middle of a full fledged relapse and things aren’t going to change back for the better overnight, thus you are temporarily taking something to help you until you can restart ACT again, most notably because you have a rather important weekend coming up, is that right? I gotta say I think this is the right move because it also falls into “acceptance” in a way. Acceptance of the fact that you’re going to be in a rut for at least another week or so, maybe more.
Honestly, in my experience and from what I truly feel, it just takes time. It takes knowledge and understanding. It takes discipline. It really is impossible to get into that whole “let go” mindset in a matter of a few days or even a few weeks. You have to be put through the ringer a bit IMO. Just my two cents. In the meantime, it doesn’t hurt to try your very best with the tools we already know
I think the bottom line is you shouldn’t just have to accept the fact that (once you’re starting to recover) you’ll have a bad night every once in a while, but you should also have to accept the fact that you’ll even go through a bad PHASE for a while. By phase I mean several nights, maybe even a week, until your nervous system calms down again. ACT is about accepting after all, no matter what. As long as we can learn a little bit from each relapse and not freak out I think they would become less and less frequent as time goes on.
Mac
I guess its not too wild of a thought really, having just one bad night make you lose your sleep confidence. We’re talking about chronic insomnia here after all. You don’t just recover from that over the course of a couple of weeks and never have to worry about it again. There will be relapses. It’s not even a question. They may only be a couple of nights in a row, or they may be longer. But they will come as me and you Deb know all too well. Unfortunately I think it may take quite some time and as you alluded to a LOT more recovery time to be considered truly out of the woods.
I mean it really is just fascinating, to me at least, how someone like Deb, newly recovered or not, can have this instant relapse of multiple nights if not longer, after sleeping perfectly fine for well over a month. Makes me realize I guess, just how fragile we are, and for so long, too.
So just to verify, you believe the drinks were the issue here in triggering this first bad night of sleep? I really hope you can get back on track quickly.
Wow Deb, very sorry to hear about what’s happened for you the last few nights. But, you kind of lost me when trying to figure out what “triggered” things. You said how your first night you took medication after not being able to sleep. Just an off night with no real explanation. Second night, long night, no explanation. Third night was frustration. That is a problem but what really started this? No real explanation that you noted. Sometimes, as we all know, there really aren’t any. That’s the worst part about this. You could be doing well for 2-3 weeks straight and then bam, you have a bad night, or two. Let me ask you this, after that first bad night and the meds, how did you react/handle it during that day?
Delv – This is with no offense whatsoever, but more of just a friendly rant… Unfortunately your understanding is where you (and many others on these forums have been) are wrong. Just because I slept my first 5.5-6 hours before an awakening does not mean anything in an insomniac’s world. First of all, if it *was* such good/deep sleep as you implied, why am I a zombie after I am up from these 4:30am-ish times? It’s because those 6 hours aren’t a normal 6 hours. They are with a “hyperaroused” arousal system that doesn’t truly give me the normal deep sleep I should be getting. This video below explains every single thing an insomniac deals with and then some. It is a must watch….
After really practicing some good mindfulness with regards to early awakenings, last night was a small improvement. I crashed around 10:30p and then as usual had my awakening probably around 430a. The anxiety was there, no doubt about it. Not overwhelming but it was there. At one point I almost surrendered and figure ok this will probably be another day up since 4:30am. I felt awake. I felt defeated again. But slowly but surely I accepted what was happening and just tried to relax and get back into a sleepy state. I then fall back asleep (albeit into light sleep) until my 6am alarm. Tired today of course, but not a zombie day like yesterday.
Delv – you are right in that during relapses the worries and anxiousness fills us not just during sleep but during the days as well. We often don’t take enough time to work on getting rid of them during the day. Probably bc we are so tired and burnt out from all of this. In turn our hyperarousal system stays in “high mode” for days if not weeks on end before we calm down a bit by default. I think this is why we see so many of us go in and out of good/bad phases. There’s only one solution and Deb made this clear – you MUST stick to whatever you are doing, whether it be ACT or SRT, for a lengthy period of time until it’s almost without question in your mind (and body) that you are healed.
I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve done some mindfulness today. Meditation I really do not do. Just hard to believe in general that my arousal system has been affected for this long. After all the work and things I’ve done you’d think by default this would have just gone away by now. Really seemed like it was going to a month ago. This has been the worst relapse for me mentally bc I thought I was so out of the woods, finally, after a good solid 2 months with ACT. Guess I just have to somehow keep my head up, somehow, someway, and see this all through. I have a week off work in 2 weeks which could act as a nice reset for me. We’ll see how that goes. But for right now it’s just continue to try and accept. Goodnight
It’s really all a mess, Taylor. At this point now, in my relapse, if I go to bed early, around 10-10:15, I usually have an awakening, plain and simple. If I go to bed later, like around 11 chances are much less for an awakening. In my early days of ACT months ago, and even right through January, I’d have plenty of nights going to bed around the 10:15ish mark and sleeping through the night with very light awakenings where I’d fall back asleep quickly. So, go figure. Bottom line is it’s MORE than possible for me to sleep ok going to bed at the earlier timeframe. Pushing myself til around 11 is only gearing up for a more SRT-like mindset which really is not what ACT is about at all.
Bottom line is my arousal system is back in full gear right now IMO and all bets are off.
I see where you’re coming from Taylor, but at least for me it’s a whole different ballgame when I wake up at 4am as opposed to falling asleep around 10:30p. At 10:30p i’m at least actually tired, having been up since 6am or so. My body will eventually nod off. At 4am-ish, or especially 5am, the problem is now I HAVE actually had some sleep. I’m more awake and rested than I was 6 hours earlier.
Very good, deep post, Burn. I am glad you have recovered. Sometimes I think that sleep onset and sleep maintenance are two VERY different types of insomnia. Maybe that’s just me, but it’s sometimes how I feel. You talk so much about and give details on how you ultimately got over your inability to fall asleep, but what about STAYING asleep like me? What about the early or middle of the night awakenings that many insomniac’s deal with? I’m sure all the mindfulness helps a great deal for both. I actually know it does. But I still feel like it’s just a different ballgame.
There were definitely a few points for me personally when I struggled falling asleep. Rarely this happened, but it did. I went through the whole “focus on your breath/body part” routine. Those days are gone now. Typically, as long as i’m at least somewhat tired, I’m asleep within a half an hour. But it’s the awakenings that have been my kryptonite from close to day one. Still in the process of trying to lower my arousal system, but its proving to be a “fight” til the very end.
