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Thanks Deb. This all just seems surreal. Few months ago I was in the best shape ever. ACT was working and my sleep confidence was at it’s highest in years. Now I’m talking about going back to SRT. (((Sighs)))
Taylor while I know I might seem a little hypocritical given my last couple of posts, the idea is to not vent about insomnia to that extent on here. It will only fuel it more for you and potentially others reading. I guarantee it. You need to find a way to begin accepting your insomnia as much as you possibly can. This is what Guy Meadows preaches and looking at your post there, you’re doing the exact opposite
Yeah Taylor I know all about that rush / shaky feeling. It went away for a long time but now that I’m struggling again it has returned. When I woke last night my entire body was just very hot. A symptom of anxiety of course. I had to even turn on the AC. Mind you it’s 45 degrees outside. Again, anxiety.
And Deb, I don’t know… Part of me wants to understand your thoughts, and another part of me just doesn’t think the excuse is as simple as you make it sound. I honestly didn’t wake up Monday saying “oh this is great! i’m out of the woods now!”. I went to bed that Tuesday like I’ve gone to bed the last year pretty much. Into the unknown. Would I hope for a good night? Of course, but did I expect it? Probably never. It just has to reach a point where, at least in my opinion, an insomniac goes so far backwards that they have to “start over” so to speak.
Right now ACT has not worked for me pretty much at all for 95% of the last month. That’s a relapse. That’s why I think I might have to take a few steps back to SRT to notice that I can sleep well again before going back and giving ACT another try. Too much anxiety has been built up in me these last few weeks to simply start recovering, even slowly. Last night when I awoke it was the first time I seriously considering popping a Zquil in probably close to 8 months. I was at a point a few months ago where I thought i’d never ever consider taking one again. Just to put it all into perspective.
What do you think happened to me Deb? I was doing so good early on. The best I ever had in years. I never felt more confident. Then this last month it’s been all downhill hard. . .
I don’t know guys, either I forgot or maybe I’m just not truly getting what ACT is all about, but this is just getting too brutal now. Some pretty bad nights this week and last night the worst. When does the whole “when you have a bad night, don’t let it bother you” mindset not apply anymore? Have a job interview today so yes this was a “special event” night for me so yes some extra anxiety came to the surface. I welcome the thoughts, even played around with them a bit, and felt rather good going to bed last night. Long story short it was a brutal night with a VERY early awakening that never really went away. I’ve basically been up since at least 4am today. I will go on this interview as an absolute zombie now. I even had tentative plans with a friend after work for a drink and just let him know tonight is not a good night.
I feel I am one more bad night away from another rockbottom. I just cannot live this life anymore. It’s just surreal how insomnia works, too. Monday i was having a great day at work fully rested. Felt like that could have been a nice beginning of a good streak. Three bad nights have now followed. It really seems like my brain has forgotten how to sleep again. Deb I know you will hate me for saying this, but i’m starting to think might have to revert back to SRT, at least temporarily. The only thing as I’ve said before, that might be a factor, is that I am going in my bed when not that tired, early, around 10pm-10:15pm. But, that is what ACT is supposed to be all about. Not caring, letting go, not following all these rules and regulations. But maybe I need to start pushing it back once and for all. At least to 10:45pm
I wonder, is going to bed when not that tired considered poor sleep hygiene? While I lay there and i’m relaxed and not anxious on the surface, but something tells me the underlying anxiety might slowly be peaking through as I do lay there.
Thanks for the post Gsdmom. To me it’s not even a question. I know it’s a huge factor as it’s not so much the thought of “bad sleep” so to speak, that clouds my head anymore, but more of the 6am alarm and the fact that I have to wake up and better not miss it and be late for work (bit of a strict office with that stuff which doesn’t help either). Take away the 6am alarm, or even that early of an alarm, and I’d be fine in short time no doubt in my mind. All I have to do is look at my weekends. 90% of them I’ve been fine in recent memory.
I used to work nights as a teen and throughout my 20’s. Then in 2011 everything changed when I went to days. I was never a morning person in general and I never really truly got comfortable with waking up at 6am. Even in middle and high school as a kid, I always had trouble. My mom would have to drag me out of bed. That all being said, 6am is rather early in general. If I just had a little more time to sleep I feel it would be such a difference. In the summer of 2015 my hours were 8-4p and I would have a 6:30am alarm. I clearly remember it being some of the best sleep I’d gotten in years.
Sorry for the life story, but yeah, that’s part of it. I have a full week off from work coming up soon. This will be my first full week off in a long time. Just to relax and recharge. I have no doubt this will be a great week of sleep. Maybe it will be just what I need to boost me and turn another corner in my journey of ACT.
True, Deb. Very true.
You know I’ve also realized another thing this morning. This has been like the week of realizations for me. My job, it really affects and holds my Insomnia in place way more than just the 6am wakeup call. In general it’s a job that requires paying attention to detail and staring at a computer screen all day long. On top of that I interact with many people throughout the day, notably attractive women, who I often feel insecure talking to due to the bags/circles under my eyes. To put it simply, it’s anything but the type of workday that an insomniac would want, short of healthcare and/or dealing with the daily public all day long.
Deb I know you’ve said you don’t have to wake early for work. I have no doubt this helped you in your recovery or at least sped up the process for you. Steve I forget your situation. But yeah, in my perfect world even if I still had to wake early, I can tell you for certain Deb, if let’s say my job was going in sitting at a desk by myself all day in casual clothes with dim lights. No doubt about it would things be at least somewhat different. I’m thinking of investing in a new pair of glasses to wear to work for the time being to hide my dark circles as much as I can. That way at least I can help cut down any worry/anxiety about going into work a zombie or just exhausted. Any way we can be proactive in helping ease our anxiety and worries is key in this IMHO.
Thanks Deb. Good to know Dr. Kat’s thoughts, even though they are the obvious. I agree that the awakenings need to be the focus since they are the #1 problem of mine. If I can somehow get this down to zero anxiety when they happen, I know I’ll make progress and they will fade away like they have several times before. Last night I went to bed at 10pm, had my awakenings as usual. One or two of them Not sure what time they were but I estimate around 4-5am. I was a little anxious, but not like last week during my full -fledged breakdown. Hopefully I will improve this week. I almost have this attitude of “bring it on” with the awakenings to prove to them (and myself) that I’m no longer afraid.
Steve – Good to know this about you. Hope you slept alright the last few days
Deb – Thank you for reminding me so often how to try and let the anxiety go. My plan is in fact to go with ACT now again for a good few weeks and to stick to it. By that I mean some mindfulness both during the day and a few hours prior to sleep. Did you come up with anything new with regards to mindfulness during your last relapse recovery? Here are some of my “tools” that I tend to you. Would appreciate yours (and Steve’s) thoughts…
-Understanding that even if its a bad night, while it might be a very tough day, I’ve gotten through a MILLION of them before
-Short of rubbing my eyes and having coffee, trying not to react much to my sleepiness during the day and trying my best not to let frustration grow in my head
-Viewing early awakenings as PART of my sleep and part of my night now. That way when they happen they aren’t nearly as alarming and do not get me down nearly as much, if at all
-If a bad thought comes into my head prior to sleep, I just say hello to thought followed by “goodbye thought, I’m fine”
-I’ve improved, in a pretty significant way. No matter what, I’ve improved.Thanks for your support, Deb. Yeah it really is discouraging. Things were seemingly going quite well for me with ACT early on, and then I don’t know what really happened but this month things took a turn for the worse until this past week which I felt was finally a real deal relapse.
I mean, I do kind of know what happened, but at the same time I just don’t feel it SHOULD have happened. My mental state was in the best form it ever was these last 3 years. I honestly mean that. To think that I was sleeping fairly well without any rules, regulations, crutches or herbal teas, etc, was surreal and amazing to me. So yes, I’m very frustrated right now, but if there’s any good news I can share with you, I’m nowhere near as frustrated as I was during some other low points.
Right now I’m just at a weird point because I don’t know where to turn. I certainly am not going to pay $500 to talk on the phone with Martin for an hour and even the Dr. Kat suggestion I can’t get behind at the moment. I will be starting a light diary this week though, so thank you for that suggestion. In my head I feel like things could somehow change for the good again very quickly with some more discipline and serious ACT, but after experiencing this past week (really two) I know that in reality i’m back in a hole and need some extra help to get out…
$350 is actually something I’d seriously consider. Anything above that just seems way too high. Not afraid to say that. No offense to Martin at all. I think he’s great, but yeah. And $1000 to be able to (in the grand scheme of things) write someone emails is ludacris.
Thanks for that post though, Steve. It’s good to know Martin also suggests ACT in some capacity. I’ve been thinking a lot about your approach that you mentioned the other day. Basically just accepting that you’re “damaged goods” / messed up and to just go with the flow and see what happens. Honestly I really don’t think that’s a great mentality. While yes part of ACT is “accepting” bad nights and all that happens, aren’t we supposed to also be thinking positively about how we have slept well before and can and will again?
Just one more thing with regards to Martin. I think he’s a great coach and knows just about all there is to know about insomnia. The in’s and out’s, the things you don’t even realize etc. However, it’s no secret that his main approach is the Sleep Restriction approach. Giving yourself the short sleep window to start rebuilding your sleep drive and ultimately regaining your sleep confidence.
But is it at all wrong to think that it’s wrong of him to think this is the main solution for everyone? I personally did SRT on and off a few times last year and each time I saw success. Then, as some of you on here may know, not too long after I began to “ween off” of the strict windows and same wake up times, etc, I started relapsing. I began to think that in my case, a chronic insomniac for a good 2 years at the time, that instead of going this route with these (let’s be honest) rules and regulations about sleep, I had to address to real culprit underneath it all, which was my serious sleep anxiety. Thus I began ACT.
I guess I’m just wondering, since I do respect Martin a ton, if his approach really is the ultimate approach. And maybe (as he told me personally) I began weening off of SRT too soon. That I saw results for a good month and figured it was fine to start slacking off instantly. I don’t know. It’s hard. SRT also made me a little more anxious underneath it all at times. I remember if I slept past my wake up time I felt like I ruined everything, and at night I’d often be frustrated that I still had SO long to go until my start time.
Thoughts would be appreciated….
Speaking of Martin, its funny bc for the first time I actually looked into some help from him. Not that I’d really need a “coach” at this point, but I feel it would really be super helpful to just have someone to talk to about my insomnia. Someone very knowledgable to give me some support.
$499 for phone coaching (1 hour phone call, unlimited emails for 2 weeks, follow up phone call)
$999 for his 8 week course which comes with unlimited emails
Yeah… Needless to say my credit card stayed in my wallet.
I just feel like for me, a diary is not going to be extremely beneficial. I think one of the most important things for insomnia, that I tend to forget, that’s perhaps the easiest to forget given the circumstances of how brutal a zombie day can be, is how you REACT to it. Like Martin and so many others explain, the more upset and frustrated you get by a bad night will only fuel and trigger more bad nights.
I was doing well at one point accepting the bad days, understanding I will always make it through them, etc. Now you can see here this week how I’ve vented a little more and expressed anger a little more. I’m sure there is no coincidence that this ended up being my worst week since November when I began turning that corner, albeit slightly, with ACT
Again, Deb, I’m not opposed to this diary, but I would just like a little more insight from you on it. Sleep diaries are rather controversial based on all I’ve read to be honest. So let’s say my diary looked like this:
Monday: early awakening, felt ok, fell back into light sleep
Tues: took a bit long to fall asleep, early awakening, didn’t fall back asleep
Weds: Decent night
Thurs: took a bit long to fall asleep, early awakening, didn’t fall back asleep
Fri: early awakening, felt anxious, went in and out of light sleep
How would writing all that down “help” me in the end??
