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Without question this was my worst work week since starting ACT back in November. My first real breakdown or even relapse you could say, since then. Though the truth is as I talked about yesterday is, I really haven’t been *doing* ACT. Just going to bed, knowing the ‘just don’t care’ attitude worked before, and just kinda assuming it would be the better case scenario. While last night was a tad better, it was still a bad night. It’s time to get back on the wagon now and go back to the basics of ACT. The good news? I know I can get back to where I was. The bad news? I keep questioning myself when, if ever, will I be able to truly break through…
It’s all part of the process, Taylor. All part of your traumatized nervous system continuing to be, well, traumatized. Weird sleep is a part of that. Nothing new to me at all. It just is what it is until we can manage to slowly overcome.
Wow, Taylor, what a story. Bravo for you having the courage to come on here and get it out. I can relate to a lot you’ve had going on, right down to an upstairs neighbor who has been quite noisy for me at times! Either way, I am so glad you are beginning to come out of your Insomnia. Let your story alone be enough to show people it’s absolutely possible.
To Deb and Steve- Let me be honest after doing some more thinking this morning and reading Deb’s great posts. The truth is, I really have continue to slack off with ACT. I think what happened to me, or what happens to me, is I will have a good phase, see that ACT (or whatever it might be) worked, and think that alone and thoughts of that will be enough to get me through. For example I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that many nights over the last few weeks I’d hop into bed thinking “Ok well ACT worked for me a few weeks ago so as long as I just ‘don’t care’ i’ll be fine”. The reality is no, that’s not how it works as i’m sure Deb and Steve you both know.
For chronic insomnia sufferers at least, the practices have to continue to be implemented to hold the potential good sleeping in place. I’ve gone to bed too many nights lately simply assuming the night would go ok, instead of practicing ACT in my head, whether it be during the day, or even right before bed. And Deb while yes ACT should be huge for me during my awakenings, I think the goal should be to try and not even HAVE those awakenings. But of course if I do, that is not the end of the world either. I really need to start going back to the basics of ACT instead of relying on what was a few good weeks trying to hold me over mentally.
P.S.
I will say one thing I left out, Deb, and this is probably the only “negative” thought that tends to happen to me during onset, especially if I’m in bed early around 10:15p or so. If I haven’t fallen asleep rather quickly, like within 20-30 minutes or so, I’ll start to think about what time it is. Even if I don’t look at the clock, I’ll know, ok, its probably around 11 now…. If I don’t crash soon that will maybe only mean 6 hours of sleep, etc. It’s not a crazy anxious thing that’s happening as I lay there, but these are definitely thoughts that run through my head. I guess I should have let you guys know that. I’m not nervous that I won’t ever fall asleep, but the time issue does in fact still linger in my head at times.
Thanks Deb, as always, for your thoughtful (and lengthy) response. As upset as I may sound, I can comfortably tell you I’m nowhere near a level where I want, or in my opinion need, to pay a doctor to tell me how to handle the situation I’m in. At the end of the day I (for the most part) know what’s happening, know why it’s still happening, but I’m just growing, as you said, frustrated, since I’m not seeing the results I feel I should be. It was only 6 months or so ago that I was still freaking out and would start binging Martin’s YouTube videos. Now it’s more of just a feeling of total acceptance knowing that I’ve done just about all I can do and perhaps I just have I continue to ride (and ride) this out.
You are right though Deb, that this is probably bc subconsciously I am losing hope. I am not opposed to keeping a light diary of what happens every night, but I am just curious what is the clear cut point? To write down what I was feeling when I woke up? It’s either going to be feeling fine and relaxed or just a tad anxious. There really isn’t going to be anything crazy to note IMHO. Last night you could say there was something interesting where I had the urge to look at my phone, but what would be done in that case? Then move the phone to another room? What were these “patterns” you saw that you cut out which helped you? Do you think it’s really possible that me going to bed a bit too early and tossing and turning for the first 20 minutes is contributing to my woes?
Thank you
Steve remind me again what the surgery was about? All I can recall is that your sleep issues started after that and I assumed it was all stress related. Do you ever at least go on runs of a good 3-4 nights or even a week in a row? For me, the good thing is I guess, that I know for 100% certain its anxiety. On certain nights when I happen to be in a perfect frame of mind, most notably when I don’t have a 6am alarm staring at me in the morning, I almost never have an issue. It’s like the sleep of old. For example I rarely have bad weekend nights these days. I’ve even noticed that after good days in general where good things happen to me that put me in a good mood, sleep issues almost will never happen that night. It’s regular nights, after regular days, with work in the AM, like last night for example, that are the risks, still.
I have mentioned this briefly in the past, but in general I haven’t exactly been in the greatest place in the my life over the last few years. There is a little bit of depression going on sometimes, due to various things (including insomnia, I’m sure) Lord knows this has not helped matters and is probably even contributing to keeping my sleep problems intact. I often feel, and this I’ve mentioned before as well, that until I move and have a completely fresh start and new environment disconnecting me from my bedroom and where this all started and continued, I will never be fully healed. I know this sounds like the Mac of old here, but after almost 3.5 years now of sleep issues, it’s hard not to believe this, regardless of the (often times significant) improvement I’ve made over the last year or so.
Fair, yet scary point Steve. A big part of me doesn’t want to think that way but after ALL this time it’s hard not to try and accept that type of mentality. I’ve made big progress in the last 6 months yet still struggle pretty badly about half the time. That’s just not good. I mean what is really at the core of these “damaged goods” thoughts in your opinion, Steve? Just the fact that our nervous systems were traumatized for so long that the deep sleep anxiety caused by this is borderline permanent?
Well I don’t know what to say anymore but it appears that I am in some trouble guys. Way too many rough nights over the last few weeks and just not enough overall progress here at this time, now some 3 solid months into ACT. Very bad night last night. Was I perfectly calm as I crashed? Yes. Did I for the most part accept it as it was happening? Yes. Am I just beyond frustrated and done with going to work looking like a sick zombie? Yes. Last night was actually one of those really bad nights that I actually came very close to just taking the day off when I woke up, but I didn’t.
I don’t know anymore Deb, Steve, Delv, etc. Sure I may not be practicing ACT in my head for hours a day, day after day, but I really must say it amazes me just how rough things have been lately given the absolute night and day difference I have when it comes to on the surface sleep anxiety before bed, not to mention the close to non-existent anxiety when I have my awakenings. I woke up at whatever middle of the night time it was last night, and I don’t know how to really explain it. I felt ok. I remained calm. I relaxed. Was I a TAD upset and anxious? Yes I was, but NOTHING like I used to be and NOTHING that should have caused me to basically never fall back into a deep sleep for the remainder of the night. I did have a strange urge to want to look at my phone last night which kind of lingered during the awakening, but I forced myself to not look at it. Maybe I should go back to putting my phone in another room, tho that feels like going backwards in a way.
It should be known again, even though I feel this shouldn’t be a factor with ACT, but, I DO go to sleep relatively early, around 10-10:15pm, even though I figured out a while ago now that my body’s sleep window is really meant for 7 hours. With a 6am alarm you’d say that doesn’t make sense, but, the thing is, most nights I really am just relatively tired, and with ACT in full force in my head, I simply hop in bed. I even look at my phone a bit before I crash. ACT has taken over and it feels great. But still, these awakenings are happening. Perhaps I should finally give in and start pushing myself to 11pm. Then that would take me back to SRT-ish ways which could make things worse (?)
Guys, please help me today…
My first semi-bad night since Friday night, and no real reason for it. Always hate those nights. Though I guess I did toss and turn a good little bit before bed. Seems like the better nights are always the ones when I’m completely exhausted and fall asleep quicker. Either way, I’m just tired today. When I had my early awakening at first I kinda got anxious. Months ago I would have let that anxiety overtake me leading to a flat out BAD night, but I quickly caught myself, used those ACT thoughts, and got my head back in the game. I slowly fell back asleep after this and was then woken by my alarm. I guess I should be happy for that. Still, I’m ready for these rough nights to be gone forever, and I do mean forever.
Deb, just curious. If you could sum up in one short paragraph how you finally recovered from your last rather rough relapse, how would you describe it?
Hi Deb, I’m doing ok, thanks for asking. Really just felt down about that rough night Friday. My plans Saturday ended up being quite a struggle due to my fatigue. I put myself together the best I could but I just couldn’t help but feel upset knowing that I wasn’t fresh. I just keep thinking about Sasha Stephens though, and how even she said “special event” insomnia was the last hurdle she tackled and how it was the toughest. Sat, Sun and last night were all decent nights. The next time I have a special event I’m going to take your advice Deb and take a little something (i.e. Zquil). It’s obvious I’m just not out of the woods yet with this and still need a little help and I think that’s ok.
So I guess the hangover was a better option than a totally sleepless night?
I didn’t do too great last night, Deb. I kinda saw it coming yesterday as I’m sure you sensed in my posts. I was in fact probably better off taking your suggestion and taking something on this rare instance when I have all day plans. I had an early awakening and then pretty much never fell back into a real sleep. Tired today. Not a zombie, but tired. It just kinda comforts me knowing that Sasha Stephens mentions several times how this is one of the hardest things to get over and was the last hurdle for her to get over, “special event insomnia”.
Next time i’ll pop a ZZZquil. The 5-6 hour AM hangover would be better than feeling like this all day today.
I appreciate the thought Deb and I definitely see your point. I would pop ZZZquil on occasion last year to get me through some rough nights/times. As far as Ambien goes though I don’t even have any. Would have to go to the doc and get a prescription. Not sure I want to bother with that right now. I suppose I could do ZZZquil tonight, though I’ll be honest, about 50% of the time it would be a drowsy hangover for the first half of the day like you wouldn’t believe.
That was me. I’d panic. I’d freak out. I’d google looking for ways to ‘fix’ things. I’d come on here and vent hard. And then I’d subsequently spiral into lord knows how long of a bad phase. Now, things are much more controlled. I might not be back to good nights the following night, but I can tell you that typically two bad nights in a row is a very rare thing for me these days. I might have another ‘semi bad’ or uneasy night, but definitely not a flat out bad night. Still, it’s just tough. Very tough.
I don’t even want to talk about it because I know it might trigger something in my head, but the truth is tomorrow I do have a rather big day ahead of me with plans from 2pm all the way til very late in the day (11pm). I’ve accepted the fact that it’s still at a point where it’s nearly impossible to go to bed like I would on a regular random night tonight. So instead I have to just relax and understand that whatever happens happens. I suppose I should understand that tomorrow isn’t my wedding day. I’m not running a marathon. They’re really just basic plans. Life WOULD be ok tomorrow if tonight isn’t a great night.
I hear ya Delv, I’m all too familiar with the sudden awful night after a string of several good. But it IS in fact all psychological/anxiety imo. Take it from someone who’s been through over 3 years of this now, it is. The reality is you don’t just go through chronic insomnia and suddenly go for months without a single bad night. They are going to happen. They will keep happening too, if you don’t keep up some ACT and other basic sleep hygiene rules to help guide you through your long term recovery. Your brain formed a serious habit over all this time and bad nights will just pop up sometimes even if you feel 100% fine the night before or even for a week before. It’s how you react to these sudden bad nights that determine just how far you still have to go or will go in your ultimate recovery.
I hear ya, Steve. Glad you’re at least doing ok right now. I too have that “no matter what I’ll survive” attitude, but how do you handle when you have a special event the next day? Something that you really need to be fresh and good for? That’s my biggest battle right now. I no longer worry about regular days, but it’s the ones when I have something noteworthy going on that I tend to think, geez, I need to be well rested for this and not have that sick/tired look. Sasha Stephens said this was her last hurdle and the toughest thing to get over as far as her insomnia. “Special event” insomnia as she called it. I’ve talked about this being a problem of mine for quite some time.
