Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
'sculi2000' wrote on '24:
A lot of it probably has something to do with the fact that I'm going to be a father for the first time in March. There's a lot of stress and anxiety about it, and it's really affecting my sleep. Which is awesome…because it just creates more stress and anxiety. I'm in a bad feedback loop mostly.
My husband's asleep, or I'd ask him if he had any anxiety at that point. Mind you, I was already doing the diet&exercise control for gestational diabetes at the 2nd month. I was tested due to age (30), weight (190) and family history of diabetes–DO NOT worry about this part. However, if at the usual time, your wife IS dx'd with GDM, write me directly. If that's in her future, she will have an easier time than I did, as she most likely doesn't have the risk factors I had, and mere dietary changes and exercise will take care of it.
About what are you anxious? Is it something that talking to new dads–or even dads of older kids would help? As Martin said, if anxiety is at the root of your insomnia, there're plenty of remedies for that, including non-chemical ones, such as yoga, relaxation exercises, and therapy–maybe there's even a group of first-time dads-to-be run by a local hospital or medical group.
Feel free to air it here, if you like. We won't laugh, call the cops, or think you're any stranger than any of us are already!
'Martin' wrote on '15:Maybe it's something to do with the monotony or relaxing nature of driving? Perhaps they need to make 'insomniac seats' in addition to child seats so insomniacs can get a good night's sleep in the back seat of their own cars?!
That would mean someone else would have to be driving, you know.
Many parents of infants-to-toddlers do some errands right before that child's bedtime in hopes of getting them so relaxed that they'll just fall asleep and stay that way once home. Doesn't always work–darned hard to get the kid out of the safety seat without jostling. If you're on your own, and there are ambulatory pets inside, getting the child inside, and keeping the pets there, while the child is asleep is quite the challenge.
I swear, there are times I really need to be awake and doing, and that's when I can't get up from lingering sleep. Around here, we say the bed was gluing us to it, or that the dogs were creating too many “sleepyons”, which you know to be the elemental particles of sleep, right?
'Sahara' wrote on '14:Marina, I love the term 'ittybittyshittycommittee'! That is a great description, and I am well rid of it! I used to think I was the only one that had this non stop monologue going on in my brain. But being the 'open' sort that i am, the more ordinary people I talk to about it, it's surprising there are others with IBSC. Not a lot, but a few. thanks and I am glad for you that yours has shut up too.
I got it from a college friend–have no idea where she got it, but that awful chorus on nattering naysayers (ska the nattering nabobs of negativity, if anyone remembers that statement from the 70s) that strip you of any confidence you may have in yourself is perfectly captured in that phrase.
My MiL doesn't seem to have it. She just started some anti-depressant, after she'd been getting more and more depressed, and then wanted to rip her watercolor students, all very nice women, a new one. In less than three weeks, she's come back to the woman I first met days before my wedding. She's finally working on some portraits started about four years ago, a year before her husband's death from chronic heart fatigue.
Someone told her the other day that she had her sparkle back, and a few weeks ago, someone I don't see often looked at me and said, “You're happy!” I'm working on joy. It is sometimes difficult for bipolars to tell what is “actual, real” joy and what is a hypomania.
'Sahara' wrote on '13:I guess this is a good place to insert, Joy knew nothing about me except my first name and telephone nbr. Anyways, it was the best 'therapy session' I'd ever had. All of the others 'present' just poured on love and told me positive things I had done for them and others. Things I had forgotten about.I came out and the 'tape' had stopped, and is still stopped 6 years after.
Quite unconventional, I know, but that part of me is healed. The rest is still messed up, but without the endless nattering, I handle life better.
Don't care about the unconventionality, just glad the tape is gone. I haven't heard my IBSC, save briefly, in a while, and I'm glad.
'Tommy wrote on '10:Laughter has always been mankind's best medicine.
These were priceless–I cackled like mad, and my MiL's watercolor class wondered just what I was reading!
'BobbyP' wrote on '08:I've been wondering what others here in Insomnia Land choose as their stay-awake beverage, on those really tough days of sleepiness. I have a weakness for Starbucks non-fat cappuccino, half mocha half hazelnut. 🙄
I have to say that the only time caffeine keeps me awake is when I don't want it to! If I am drowsy late at night, and still have to drive, getting cold is more effective than expecting caffeine to do instant wonders, instead of the usual three hours later, it hits me.
I have never had an immediate jolt from caffeine, as I have never had from sugar, either. I did once fall asleep in college, after taking two NoDoz about 30 min. before, when I wanted to study long into the night, but I woke up with the caffeine shakes. Never tried that again.
That said, while I used to have a giant (20+ oz) of sweetened & milked strong black tea in the morning and afternoon, I began to prefer a latte in the morning. Originally it was regular, but at one point my Dr put me on decaf or tea. So now my usual latte is (Starbucks terms): decaf venti latte, sugar free hazelnut, no foam, own cup. I can't hack non fat, but 2% is just fine.If I'm not at Starbucks, it's 20 oz decaf latte, sugar-free hazelnut syrup, 2% milk, no foam, own cup. If I'm up early and need to be functioning up near midnight, I get a regular or half-caff.
I love hazelnut mochas, but seldom allow myself to have them.
There is a small local chain with a new shop in my neighborhood. They make all drinks to order, including not grinding the beans before you order. No syrups (too messy), but they have flavored extract powders, and heaven forfend you should want your latte in different proportions than they find optimum. Not going back–I tend to want my drinks the way *I* want them, for some odd reason.
'Martin' wrote on '07:We're looking for a member of Insomnia Land to try the Escape to Sleep sleep tonic.
It is infused with valerian, hops, passionflower and skullcap. It contains an all natural flavor and it is sweetened with stevia leaves.
It won't be me–valerian has a really awful taste, can't stand hops, don't know about skullcap taste, and can't stand stevia. In a capsule, I might try it, but as a drink, bleaaaahhhh and bleck.
'yamerias' wrote on '06:I know the song “Start Wearing Purple”, Medusa forwarded this song to me recently (that reminds me, I'll have to ask her if she will come back here!)
I had a look at the site, and you ladies look great!!
Thanks! We do our best. We're going to try filming our last routine for the Haunted Hafla, always in October of course, but the weekend was earlier this year. We start out very sweet (Wailing Jennys' One Voice), very tribal on the second, to a tune whose name I can never remember, and our third was naughty–to Time Warp. Most of the moves were standard Tribal moves, with a few differences thrown in. We had a blast, and so did the audience.
Quote:Has anyone told you how pretty you look? That is a lovely picture 🙂Aw, shucks. If I could disguise the weight showing on my face, I'd be happier, and I want to reduce that middle area (quelle suprise!). What I may never have said is that I was belly dancing in my college years, mid-70s, in a vaguely cabaret style without the sparkly bits. I mostly did something between Modern and Jazz dancing, with my own choreography, at that time. 30 years later, I start taking a BD class in the American Tribal/Improvisational Tribal style, with music and steps unlike most of what I'd done before. Petra likes drum solos, and goes for more percussive music, while I like lyrical music and more flow-y routines.
I like the way I look in the picture of the four of us, in the hated elemental color I'm stuck with–first good photo of me in decades. There are a couple of photos from this year's Haflas that I might purchase downloads for. I was really happy with the photos Grace White has taken of me, and the troupe as well. Wish I could afford a private session with her, but $ interferes.
Quote:I'm actually not able to drive at all due to epilepsy and blood pressure issues, otherwise I'd get a car as soon as humanly possible….what makes it worse with the buses in my area and the services have been massively reduced, making it difficult for a lot of elderly and disabled to get to places.I understand the epilepsy ban on driving, but hypertension? We had a sitter in Santa Cruz who started out life with Cystic Fibrosis, then asthma, something else I forget (migraines?), then a rare & hard to dx form of epilepsy, early nerve deafness, and one thing more. She did not have an easy time, but she did her best to live as normal a life as she could.
I didn't have a car or license until I was 29, because of the cost of car, upkeep, insurance, and gas. Two of those things I could have managed before, but not all four. I lived at the far eastern edge of LA County, where service was already sparse, but got worse and worse. Getting to the Park&Ride bus was a laugh. The first job, I went down a long straight route, until my stop, which was three blocks (with a bend, so you couldn't tell if the bus was there already or not) away from the P&R bus taking me to downtown LA. The next time, a few years later, I was at the end of the local busline, and could never tell if the first bus (the one I needed) had come & gone already, meaning 30-60 minutes wait for the next. It would drop me off at the middle of three stops, and I was never sure I'd get a seat on the first bus coming past us. We were all white-collar professional types, but there was one guy who reeked of alcohol, smoke, and his jacket wasn't cleaned often enough. Mostly, for that job, I had a carpool driver, who was quite stout (I was much more slender then), great sense of humor, and was a chemical engineer. Had great fun carpooling with him.
When I did take the bus, after I had the car, and had to work overtime, past the time the P&Rs ran, I drove to a mall about 10 miles away, where the more milk-run buses started and ended. If there were women who were going my way, I gave them rides all the way home, rather than let them wait in the bad area of town, for a local bus. I prefer to carpool, and am still happy to pick up folks (not hitchhikers) and take them where they need to go. I think I've paid off the need-a-ride karma, but now it's a matter of practicality & thrift.
However, if I'd had a job in Pasadena, it would have been the pits to get there. If I had a job in Orange County–say Fullerton or Yorba Linda, I would have had to take a bus into the LA Hub, get one going to the Orange County Hub, and then one out to Fullerton, at which point it would be lunchtime or later! Move? With what money? I wasn't making that much.
I was in a discussion about using public transit to save money and stress, where I talked about the fun of trying to get from Santa Cruz to Cupertino by mass transit, explaining just how many bus transfers that would take in the 90+ minutes in commute, vs. 35 by car. Using public transit requires that you AND your employer be along the same train/bus lines.
When we moved to SCruz, my last car had died the standard older VW death by oil leaks all over the place, and we didn't at that point, have the money to get another car for me. On days when Kurt didn't drive the carpool, I had the car, and could go “over the hill” to Silly Valley. The Santa Cruz bus system is pretty good, and the drivers are very nice, as is often the scenery between downtown SCruz and where I needed to go.
One stupid thing a lot of districts do is to try to get people out of their cars, but forget that cutting back public transit service at the same time isn't furthering their goals…
'InsomniAmy' wrote on '06:Funny, Wellbutrin was the med he intended to switch me to, and that ended up doing me no good at all. I might as well have eaten M&Ms. I certainly would've enjoyed them more, and they're cheaper, too! 😆
Wellbutrin had me simmering with anger. Once I realized that it had no outside cause, I realized it whas the medication, which wasn't doing anything for the depression, either. The (first of my two) idiot pdoc decided I was just too chatty, and neither gave me a stepdown strategy nor a different med. I was not amused.
Tylenol and Aleve do nothing for me, and M&Ms have more effect than they do! Of course, if you're in hospital, tylenol is all they'll give you, so when offered, I've refused it.
Quote:I've never been a drinker, but I do have the codeine/xanax combo that simultaneously calms me down a bit and knocks my headache back to a two from an eight. These are classic tension headaches, and I KNOW codeine isn't the right answer, but if I could find other relaxation techniques (or simply a less stressful life…maybe a lobotomy), I'm hoping I won't have them anymore. But I've had them to some degree for decades.The pediatrician AND the former pdoc for my son denied ability to handle migraine meds in the face of what the other doc was doing, and therefore sent us to a ped. neurologist–perhaps you might try one for adults? I'm thinking of seeing one for the restless leg issue.
Lobotomies are over-rated for headache relief! I have sometimes wanted a lobotomy when the depression was too strong and deep for me to handle well. I just wanted out of the despairing pain/painful despair.
'mariamoody1985' wrote on '05:No matter how sore I was, she was worse. If my legs felt dodgy, hers were worse. If I was feeling down, her depression was worse. I really couldn't win!
I had a college roommate like that–I call it onedownsmanship. I don't like to play that game at all–I smile and nod and keep my thoughts to myself, until I can get away.
'InsomniAmy' wrote on '04:The reason meditation is not for me is that never, in my ENTIRE life, have I ever fully relaxed. My mind is far too busy, and will not calm down with coaxing, and gets downright unreasonable when someone tries to force it to do so. I've got perma-tension in my shoulders, and my mind, whenever they're trying to talk me into a calmer state of being, starts snarling “this is a big waste of time.”
I was a subject in someone's Masters in psych in the mid-70s. This was using alpha wave biofeedback to teach you to relax. My problem was, if I'm supposed to tense up, then relax down to baseline–which for me was already tense–how was I supposed to truly relax? No useful answer. I could do progressive muscle relaxation, but once I got above the neck, blammo, no further, and then something would twitch and take me right out of what relaxed state I'd been able to achieve. Drove me nuts.
For many of us here, stress or muscular tension is not the issue we're fighting, but we keep getting stress-relief mechanisms thrown at us in a one-size-fits-all gesture. Grrr. Have you ever been given a good massage in the shoulders to top of head? I need that every so often, but my feet want it every day, as I seem to carry tension there.
This is not to imply that you haven't already tried these methods and found them wanting or a waste of time. There is an article I read in the NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/health/23lives.html?_r=1&pagewanted=1&hp about a black female executive and how she deals with her schizophrenia (NOT implying that you have it, but there are parallels that might be useful to consider, if you can find such a position where you work primarily at home, given the agrophobia).
No more so, perhaps, than for Ms. Myrick, who after years of devastating mental trials learned that she needed a high-profile position, not a low-key one, to face down her spells of paranoia and despair. Her treatment regimen, like most others’ in the study, is a combination of medication as needed and personal supports, including an intuitive pet dog, the occasional weekend stay at a luxury hotel – and, not least, a strong alliance with a local psychiatrist.
“I feel my brain is damaged; I don’t know any other way to say it,” Ms. Myrick said. “I don’t know if it’s from the illness, the medications, all those side effects or what. I only know that I do need certain things in my life, and for a long time – well, I had to get to know myself first.”
Quote:I'm GENERALLY not suicidal; the cutting is NOT a “suicidal gesture,” though that led to a parting of the ways between me and my first psychiatrist, who insisted that I be institutionalized, and I refused. I do not do well at ALL when I'm away from familiar things.I know cutters, and it is NOT tied to suicidal thoughts at all, but it's a way of trying to get the emotional pain out, from what I understand. I've been to visit two people in locked wards, and I'm pretty sure I would only get worse if I were sent to one. No real privacy, doing things on someone else's regimented schedule–no, no, get it away from me! Being cut off from my online world is like condemning me to solitary confinement. I calm better at a plant nursery or large garden public garden, outside with beauty and nature.
'InsomniAmy' wrote on '01:I didn't have severe depression until my late twenties, when a family doctor gave me really bad advice regarding Paxil. (big snip) He had me go cold turkey, which, if there are any other long-term Paxil users out there who have EVER gone off it know, causes all kinds of hideous problems. (big snip) The most irritating thing about the depression is that it has made me weaker. I used to be very independent and fly all over the country, meeting strangers and striking up conversations without fear. Now, I hide. I'm borderline agoraphobic at this point, though I know that I can work myself out of it if I can get up the minerals to do it.
I ended up going cold turkey off Wellbutrin, AND being across the country with no psych coverage available to me there. I was just wonderful to be around. That was the first pdoc I never went back to.
Quote:My biggest problem is that I'm a great caretaker for terminal patients, such as my grandmother and my in-laws, but when they die, I absolutely lose my mind. I can't pull myself out of it, and frequently end up physically hurting myself in order to feel something other than mental pain. I'm GOOD at being strong for other people (when I'm WITH other people), but I invariably take out all the stress on myself. And if I lose them, even when I know there was absolutely nothing I could have done, I feel responsible. My emotional side and rational side are constantly at war, and it's been that way my whole life.When my sister finally put our mother in a nursing home, she gained a lot of her life back. She visited every Friday after work, and sometimes in between. When Mama died about this time in 2004, she foundered a bit, because her routine of so many years was broken, and she was rather at a loss of what to do about it. This was 10 years after a severe stroke, and the personality that was our mother had died shortly after the stroke. There was more relief than grief when the body died.
About five years into the at-home caretaking, it was a strong possibility that my sister would predecease our mother–her health was run down, her back was always in pain, she had problems with one shoulder joint…and when something catastrophic happened while my sister was in hospital/recovering at home from major abdominal surgery, something snapped, and she began searcihing for a nursing home.
I also am good for being there for others, and seldom see that returned, although when I was recovering in the first quarter of this year from having a bone spur removed from my heel, my MiL was very good to me, taking care of what I needed, but I was likewise doing my best not to be a bother. I knew a woman who'd had a more extensive, but similar, surgery than I had had, with a longer time to be off her feet, with foot elevated, and she got cranky and demanding, and I did my best not to emulate her.
Now it's my husband who pounds himself for a misplaced sense of responsibility when a project of his gets cancelled, in spite of all his work to make it a success–and often because of someone up the chain who is crap for managing projects, or their product's pricing, well. He feels that he's let down all the folk who work for him, and it's the only time, other than on an airplane, where I've seen him pour out more than he usually drinks, and drinks it quickly, to numb himself.
You just happen to have all three issues, and aren't getting the help you need–through the incompetence of others, it seems.
What sort of minerals do you use/need to allow yourself to handle the outside world?
Quote:My mind never shuts down, and it is rarely kind to me.When my mind doesn't shut down, my IBSC (ittybittyshittycommittee) is whispering nastiness to me, when the depression is at a certain level or below. Shutting my mind off was the primary trigger I had for insomnia; not being able to breathe well (allergies, colds, bronchitis) is next, and third is any physical discomfort or restless leg. I'm allergic to codeine and vicodin, which means there is no strong cough medicine for me. If I want to knock myself out, it takes at least 8 oz of whisky–and I'm not using my good stuff for that.
Quote:It's sort of funny…sometimes I wish I weren't as bright as I am (yeah, that sounds obnoxious, but hey, allow me ONE nice thing about myself), or as much of a realist as I am. (snip) I absolutely treasure kindness and selflessness in other people. I think people who are open with their emotions are brave–much braver than I am. Those are the people I try to protect from a world that I have found, largely, that is cruel to those it sees as weak, that takes advantage of people who leave an opening, and destroys anything that is really beautiful–but different.You describe my son in the last sentence. He's bright, but not necessarily socially–rather like an autist who just doesn't get social cues. He had meltdowns, and was easily provoked into them, until somewhere it middle-school, when things began to turn, and he was able to use his wit as a weapon against bullies. Sarcasm, saying something they didn't understand, or which confused them–they pretty much stopped trying to provoke him, since he wasn't reacting the way they wanted him to. These days, he mostly throws their words back at them, or gives as good as he gets.
Neither of us is good at making a shell of blandness around us. Our counselor appreciates the fact that I'm clear on what my emotions are and can access them–but I'd like a better shield/shell/control of my face so that when I don't want to be open, I won't be. A is generous, sweet, bright, and sometimes dense and stubborn.
What's odd to me is that I can be in the midst of a nadir of depression, but someone needs something, and the depression gets out of my way for a bit.
[/quote] People like you, who have welcomed me, warts and all, do give me hope. I'm trying really hard to focus on people like you.
Thank you, again, for your kindness. [/quote]
We're here because the other folks are like us in one strong way we haven't found outside this forum. Warts are only bad when they're malicious warts.
'yamerias' wrote on '01:They are in purple?? Damn, that's just epic!!
I'm going to try to attach a professional photo of me wearing purple and nothing but–I'd have it as my profile shot, but too many pixels/MBs, I guess, and you couldn't see anything useful in a 1″ x 1″ of it, anyways. I have no idea how large it will display here.
[attachment=30:Anitrainpurpledancing.jpg]
and the answer is: too damn small to be of use. The text reads “I dance to feel the music playing through me–Anitra”. The project was “I dance…”, by Gladys White (thenakedartisan.com), which you might visit, and my dance name is Anitra. 10 points for anyone who can identify the reference without going to Google or Wikipedia.
'yamerias' wrote on '01:They are in purple?? Damn, that's just epic!!
I'm going to try to attach a professional photo of me wearing purple and nothing but–I'd have it as my profile shot, but too many pixels/MBs, I guess, and you couldn't see anything useful in a 1″ x 1″ of it, anyways. I have no idea how large it will display here.
[attachment=30:Anitrainpurpledancing.jpg]
