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Hi Martin,
I just wanted to send a quick response to your last reply, which was kind and beneficial.
I don’t feel like I’m back to where I was before I first made this post, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that you can never “go back” with anything in life, and that there’s no delete button in the brain. I’ve been doing some ACT work in what I hope is a moderate way (not triggering an effort storyline), and living each day with the goal of meeting my towards moves and controlling what I can, not trying to control what I can’t (sleep); much easier said than done!
I’ve had some good nights of sleep in the past few weeks and some more difficult ones – celebrating the good ones is the goal but a lot harder than dwelling on the not so great. I’m still struggling with constantly monitoring, leading to feeling sleepy before bed but not being able to fall asleep for an extended period when actually in bed due to monitoring the sleepiness (how daft is the brain?!). I’ve felt very low and overwhelmed at times, also, not helped by my continued tapering off of sertraline.
I’m not used to the anxiety persisting even after sleeping better again for a few nights, and this is hard to cope with, as I just want to feel as happy and free as I did before – however, I know I can’t go back and this is a new stage in my recovery that, I hope, will make me even stronger. Every difficult moment is an opportunity to respond in a workable way – I’m trying!
Nonetheless, I would appreciate some advice on not romanticising the past, as I feel that one of my remaining hurdles is seeing the period from late 2024 – end of June as a magical time where I was “cured” and immune to experiencing insomnia again like I had before, and everything was wonderful. I am constantly reminding myself that now is the same as before in that the sun rises and sets as it did before and it’s all a result of my perspective, but I feel like I’ve experienced a great loss that I’m straining to get back despite knowing that effort and want are completely unhelpful. I’m allowing the want to be there but not acting on it wherever possible, and that’s the best I can do at present.
As always, I thank you for your continued support and guidance.
Best wishes,
Molly
Hi Martin,
Thank you very much for your detailed response. Keeping in mind that progress can’t be undone is very helpful, and remembering that the AWAKE exercise isn’t actually a method to fall asleep is also beneficial.
I’ve continued to have a difficult week but there have been brighter patches and I’m reminding myself of this. I’m focusing on making ‘towards’ moves and not feeding the ‘bully’ of insomnia by giving it unnecessary attention, but my confidence has definitely been shaken and I have found myself dealing with far more hyperarousal on an evening, paired with the fear that I may never be back to where I was/I’ll never be able to fall straight to sleep again (I’ve been awake for an extended period every night except one in the past week). However, this one night where I fell straight asleep is what I’m holding on to, to remind myself that it is possible, no matter how much it doesn’t seem it like it.
This hyperarousal is what I’m struggling with as the physical symptoms of anxiety are very unpleasant and make it much harder to fall asleep – I know it’s my survival instinct trying to keep me safe but I’ve been unable to calm it down to where I was a few weeks ago. This has all been compounded by the fact that I have several trips away/fun summer activities happening in the next few weeks, exacerbating the fear. Again, I think I’ve accepted it and feel comforted by the fact that it’s my reaction to sleeplessness that truly matters, but then when I actually experience the sleeplessness I find it incredibly hard.
I’ve been refraining from watching too many videos, etc., in the hope of trying to ‘fix’ this speedbump, as I know that the best thing to do is to act as if there isn’t anything that needs fixing, but I do feel like I need some additional support right now so I’m hoping to learn more about ACT as it’s something I have previously found helpful for dealing with anxious thoughts.
Many thanks again,
Molly
Hi Martin,
Just as a quick update, I’ve just experienced an even more sleepless night, which means I’ve had two almost totally sleepless nights in three days, again, despite trying the AWAKE exercise, etc. I’m really struggling quite a lot because I feel like that’s the “spell broken” of the progress I’d made since late 2024, as I haven’t had such a bad sleep since before then, and definitely not several in a row.
Any advice would be appreciated and thank you in advance,
Molly
Hi Martin,
Thank you so, so very much for your thoughtful and detailed response to this post. It is much easier for somebody else to list your achievements than to do it yourself, and your comment allowed myself to feel proud of the work I’ve done in the past 18 months, not in becoming a better sleeper, but for the progress and changes I’ve made in improving my mental health and the ways in which I cope with my anxiety.
I always shrugged mindfulness off as a corporate buzzword that therapists tout as a miracle cure; however, I have discovered, and continue to discover, that it is powerful at its core. I did not realise until I began reading more on the subject that a lot of your teachings are built upon mindfulness, namely the key principle that has helped me reduce the noise in my head – that being in the present is what recovery is built upon, after rationalising the thoughts and fears and engaging in acceptance. Self-kindness is the invaluable cherry on top.
I still have fear, and after readjusting my dose following a conversation with my GP, I am reducing my anti-depressants once again and experiencing some of those same panicky/anxious feelings and thoughts. Whether this is down to the meds, who knows, but whatever the cause I am doing my best to respond using mindfulness and with the knowledge that I always have a choice in how I react. Easier said than done, but it’s a comfort. I don’t know if anxiety will ever leave me again like it did before, but I don’t have to fight or struggle.
In answer to your question/s, my initial response was “when I was sleeping well on a near-constant basis”, but what this actually means is “when I wasn’t as anxious about my sleep and my mind felt lighter” – through revisiting all that I practiced during this period, I might not sleep perfectly, but I can lessen my anxiety and be more present. Therefore, the ‘good old days’ are never in the past. All I have is this present moment and I am committing to be as in it, not only one toe but both feet and all the rest of me, as fully as I can for as long as I have it.
Many thanks again,
Molly
Thank you Martin, this was very helpful – I’ve been keeping it in mind and remembering there’s no “delete button”
Hi Martin,
Thank you for your thorough and informative response.
It is hard to accept (ironically) that radical acceptance is not a quick fix but an ongoing, often difficult practice; however, I have been enjoying giving it a go this week with no specific goal in mind other than acceptance and calming the response mechanism of my nervous system. This has also been the case with my sleep window.
It is also very helpful to remember what you said at the end of your message, that we are always in control of our responses to thoughts and feelings. It’s an empowering thought!
Many thanks again.
Molly H
Hi Martin,
Thanks for the detailed response!
All of that makes sense. I’ve been going to bed whenever I feel sleepy/feels right, even if it cuts into my usual 7 hour sleep goal, and getting up at 7 everyday, even on a weekend (in the past weekends were my safe space because I could stay in bed as long as needed).
I like the idea of keeping a more rigid sleep window there as an option if I need it in the future, in the case of a distressing flare up.
I’m still struggling with the sleep anxiety to an extent and what to do if I can’t sleep so I’m looking forward to carrying on with the course. Also, my issue has always been falling asleep full stop but recently it’s been waking up too early and not being able to fall back to sleep! So I look forward to hearing more about this.
Best wishes,
Molly
