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Hi Steve – thanks for asking. I’m doing “ok.” Unfortunately, my relapse has stretched out, due to a combination of factors. When it first started a few weeks ago, I tried to do what someone suggested which was to not take it seriously and forget about it. Well that worked for a night or two but then the worrying thoughts came back. I think I was in denial at first that I was having a relapse and didn’t want to deal with it. So I slipped back into old compensating behaviors like having a drink before bed. Then I went out of town for a few days and resorted to sleeping pills so I could enjoy my time with friends and family. I also was confused. I wondered if I had really “recovered” before or was it just a two-month long honeymoon period, believing that I was recovered. Beliefs are strong and maybe my belief that I had recovered kept me that way. Also, I wondered if I had recovered so quickly back in August (in less than two weeks) because I “believed” I had recovered. Anyway, lots of confusion. And frustration at having to deal with this still.
Finally a couple nights ago I buckled down and started practicing ACT in earnest again – no drinks, no pills – just me and the bed. The first night I didn’t sleep much. This was no surprise. In the past when I gave up my props I usually had a sleepless night. But I was calm at least. Last night I was very tired but couldn’t sleep because my mind was not relaxed. I was feeling resentful (towards whom I have no idea – maybe God) and frustrated that I have to do this again. I finally got up and read a little of Guy’s book. I was reminded of mindfulness and that I can actually let go of those thoughts and feelings if I wish. I did, relaxed, went back to bed and fell asleep.
Burn – you mentioned how you practice watching your wakefulness and that sometimes it’s quite hard. It sounds like you are doing too much work, which will keep you awake. Try doing nothing and just let your mind wander, like in the old days before the insomnia.
Mac – when you’re not getting the email notifications of new posts, just unsubscribe from the thread, wait a couple days and then subscribe again. You’ll start getting the emails again. About always having to be sleepy enough, I think once you’re fully recovered you’ll be to fall asleep with the regular amount of sleepiness/tiredness, just like the old days before your insomnia. Also, I agree with you that we should be able to sleep in our own bed, not just on our couch, if we’re fully recovered.
Suren – what’s going on in your mind when you’re in bed? Until your mind is calm and accepting of your wakefulness, you won’t sleep. And even when you reach of the point of calmness and acceptance, it still may take some time to start sleeping better. In the book, Guy Meadows talks about Carlos who took a few weeks to learn how to relax in bed. But even though he was relaxed, it still took more time for his sleep to improve.
How’s everyone doing these days? – Burn, Mac, Delv, Featherly, Padron, TiredDad, JT, Borgesbi, Pam? Haven’t heard from you guys for awhile. I hope you’re all getting better.
Did you check out Daf’s interview with Martin? It’s under the Success Stories and was good.
Yes, I think that’s true, Daf. I also noticed that people here tend to describe in detail their nights. We’re all a little obsessive in that way.
That’s great, Daf! I’ll check it out. I can see that you are a successful businessman as well. Now you can add conquering insomnia to your list of accomplishments!
I love the sax, TiredDad! And I love it when a sax player shows up at the jam and plays.
Sorry it’s been rough for you the last few days. You didn’t lose progress. There’s just a lot of ups and downs in this process, but slowly people seem to get better.
Karen – hope you have a wonderful trip to Italy and sleep well. Even if you do have a relapse, remember that over time the relapses will become easier as you brain begins to relax about insomnia. Yes I imagine your art suffered during the long months of insomnia. My music suffered too. I never would have been able to get up and sing like that on a zombie day!
Awwww thanks, Gdsmom! I sure had fun last night, but it really kept me awake!
I guess when I was talking about being a discouragement I meant that I don’t seemed to have recovered as completely as I thought I did. I was giving you all hope that you can heal completely, and now here I am with some struggles again. On the other hand, it makes sense that I would have some struggles and that this is normal. Even after we think we’ve fully healed we can still relapse, but according to Guy, the relapses will become less and less as our brain begins to learn that the bed and sleeping is safe. That’s how I feel. I’m having some issues falling asleep, but I’m not freaked out about it like I was before because I know that the techniques work and that I will get better again. So there isn’t that heavy feeling of hopelessness and depression and total anxiety that I may never recover from this. Instead it’s just something I’ve got to deal with and I know I can.
Steve – sounds like your sleep is getting better and better. That’s great! But too bad about those other symptoms. Hopefully you get that straightened out soon.
There’s a jazz jam here where I live twice a month on Sundays. The main band consists of the pianist, the bass player and the drummer. Then anyone else can show up and sing a song, play an instrument like the harmonica player and the trumpet player. I’ve sang a few times and played the piano a few times. I’ve been taking jazz piano lessons because I’ve always loved jazz ever since I was a child but didn’t have the opportunity for lessons then. Then life got busy with jobs and raising a family. Now that the kids are grown, I’m finally getting back to my dream.
Glad you’re giving ACT another try, Suren. But stay in touch this time and don’t go 4 weeks all alone. Everyone here is very willing to help others along the way.
About myself – things have been a bit of a challenge. I’m still not back on track. I think that relapse that started 2 or 3 weeks ago has thrown me off. I thought I had completely “cracked” this but maybe I wasn’t being realistic and instead just enjoyed a 2 month “honeymoon.” Now I’ve had to face reality again and there’s still some fears there keeping me awake. But it’s nowhere as bad as it was before and I know I just have to get back to using the tools again. But as we all know, using the tools isn’t always easy.
For instance, last night I was super hyped up. I had written a song for my husband and performed it at a jazz club. (If anyone wants to check it out, go to youtube and look up Debbie Preece – the song is called 2-5-1) This was a really big deal for me to stand up in front of a bunch of people and sing – I’m a very late bloomer when it comes to music. (Anyway, at least insomnia is not stopping me from living my life!) So I couldn’t fall asleep because my mind just couldn’t settle down. Finally I got up at 4:00 and I knew that I just couldn’t get myself to the “acceptance place” knowing I only had a few hours of sleep time left. So I took an Ambien for the first since July.
I hope this isn’t discouraging for you all.
It sounds like your expectations got in the way of your sleep, Surin. Recovery is not linear. There will be ups and downs along the way. About tiredness, go to sleep when you’re tired. You don’t have to be excessively sleepy. But if you’re up till 1:00 chances are you are overtired. Then go to bed!
Suren – at night after letting go of any negative thoughts, were you able to get to the place of total acceptance of the possibility of a sleepless night, and just rest and relax with no expectations?
Suren – so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. We all know how it is, so have a lot of sympathy for you. About going to bed when sleepy or not, I go to bed at the time I used to go to bed before the insomnia and have the usual amount of tiredness I did before, but not the super sleepiness where I couldn’t keep my eyes open. However, if I’m not tired enough, I will wait to go to bed or get up.
You said you practiced ACT for 4 weeks and your sleep just got worse. Could you tell us more about what you were doing? Maybe those of us who’ve made progress can help you to modify what you’ve been doing so that its more effective. ACT can be tricky, so day to day support and feedback is important to make sure you’re on track.
About using aids, when I was in dire need of relief I took Ambien which usually knocked me out for 4 or 5 hours. Eventually I weaned myself from it and don’t need it anymore now thank goodness. Anyway, sometimes we just need some relief, so don’t feel bad if you have to resort to some medication if the natural remedies like melatonin don’t help. You won’t need it forever.
