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Hi Evie,
I can relate to your feelings of intolerability after a night of sleeplessness. I recently went through a phase where I had had a ton of responsibilities that I had to achieve for several months while having cyclical bouts of insomnia (every 2 days=no sleep followed by 1 night of sleep). On those days that felt intolerable after 2 days of no sleep, I did often having feelings of misery. There were moments that felt torturous, absolutely dreadful, painful, and I thought I wouldn’t make it or I would count the seconds on the clock until I could get home and be done with my responsibilities. There were also moments of lightness, laughter, and productivity; they were brief, but they did happen. Some of those days I marveled at how much I accomplished despite feeling like $%*#. After a while of this happening, I just started to surrender to the intolerableness on those days. I started to tell myself “this is not what I want right now, but here it is and I will get through it just as I have many times, and perhaps there might even be a moment of hilarity, laughter, joy, or something positive today, even though I feel terrible.” I would say that to myself often, and I would also speak lovingly and kindly to myself if I could or try to joke around with myself to create some lightness. It didn’t help me feel less terrible or take the physical pain away, or make things easier at all, but it was a subtle shift in how I was responding to the “intolerableness” of the situation. I hope that’s helpful.I’ve been taking the course for 3 weeks now– the sleep window has helped a lot, as well as using the AWAKE approach at night when thoughts such as “What if I can’t sleep tonight?” or “How will I get through the day tomorrow feelings horrible with all that I have on my plate” come up. I recently took a vacation and slept so well due to this course combined with very little stress but now I’m about to start up all of my responsibilities again and I have a feeling I’ll be needing to do the AWAKE exercise and NOW exercises a lot. I know what you mean about dreading the next day after a night of sleeplessness because it truly feels miserable for me (physically, mentally, socially), but I’m hoping I can lean on the memories of those days that I found subtle moments of goodness even amidst the torturous feelings, and found ways to talk to myself with more kindness, patience, and grace despite feeling awful.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey and keep reaching out. We are all here for each other!
Thank you so much for the kind and reassuring words, Megan! I’m happy to report I’ve had a full week of sleep since joining the 6 week course! Although I know things can change any time especially when stress shows up, it is very grounding to know there is a whole community of people out there such as yourself and Martin, who are there for people like me! Good luck to you in your journey!
Thank you very much Martin! Your responses are spot on as always. This is actually extraordinarily reassuring! I think these fears are normal and that is all they are— just fears. You’re right— I have been very capable despite so little sleep and I’ll know for sure if it’s too dangerous or unethical to continue. I think I’m more high functioning than I realized and that makes me feel really good. (I loved the surgeon/doctor analogy!) I also love looking at the bright side of the scrutiny of others; this is a built in support system. What an awesome insight and different perspective that I truly needed. Thank you!🙏
On a bright note- last night was the first night in months I broke the cycle of 1 night of sleep, 2 nights of very little!! I got 2 full nights of sleep back to back. I believe this is due to signing up for your course and completing the first week. I’m excited to continue on this journey with you and others here in the forum! 🧡
One more thing I’d like to add to my previous post about “Poor Functionality”– sometimes I have to do a lot of driving the next day after 2 days of not sleeping. I’m not sure if this is safe. I’ve somehow managed to do it, but I wonder what others think about the safety of this condition while driving or performing work tasks that involve important detail-oriented work that is scrutinized by others and needs to meet high legal standards? I don’t want to give up going to work because I want to commit to my life outside of insomnia, however I don’t know if it is ethical or safe to perform these tasks while severely sleep-deprived. Thanks!
