Hi Misa, I am sorry to hear you are going through a tough time right now.
It really can turn into a nasty cycle–wanting to sleep so badly, trying this or that, when it actually comes down to not trying. But what the hell does that mean, right?
I encourage you to stick with Martin’s website–to know you are not alone, and that this doesn’t have to last forever. It won’t. But it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it. And there is no medication which will guarantee good, consistent sleep, though sometimes they can help short term.
Over the long term, this course and the whole mindfulness idea of learning how to watch your thoughts rather than getting caught up in them is the key. Yeah, but how? One analogy might be your thoughts are like branches floating by on a river, maybe even roaring by. That is different than getting swept away by thoughts, being in the river yourself.
And on those days when you haven’t got much if any sleep the night before, can you ease up on yourself, maybe just note that “I’m having the thought that I am tired and anxious about sleeping tonight” as opposed to “I am tired and anxious about sleeping tonight–and I probably won’t sleep well, and this will never end, etc.” There really is a difference in these two thoughts, though I know it can be hard to see that when you are really hammered from insomnia. Hard to see, but true nonetheless.
Take care, you are not alone.