4.53am in los angeles

good god, it's been a couple of months, hasn't it? never fear, i'd no plans to abandon posting here. for many reasons, my writing, sleep schedule (i use that term loosely) & the exigencies of life make writing elsewhere tough, leaving little behind but for the 140-character “amuse bouche”-type thoughts twitter provides the space for.

i'm writing again, however, for a number of reasons:

• martin won't leave me alone. though he's a very polite english gentleman and isn't pushy, i feel his stern disapproval every time he sees me jiving around on twitter whilst neglecting our sleep-deprived family.[*]there was some mention of a mid-june get-together and it's currently june 1st. (it's also right now, 4.20am, so excuse me for a few moments while i attend to something…ah, back! *kaff*) i figure i might as well ask if it's happening or not, in the event it actually does, and i actually make it. i've mastered the art of non-commitment, as you can all clearly see.[*]i'm fucking bored, guys.

but mirth aside, i apologize for the absence. i won't bore you with details of why i was away but suffice to say there were 2 deaths and funerals and, miracles allowing, there will be no more. but 2 people are very ill. life, as they say, can be a horrible disease.

however, we are here to discuss insomnia and the insomniac life, yes? so on with it:

never has my insomnia been this out of control, as it has been in the last couple of months. i've stayed up 36, 48, 72 hours with no respite. part of it has to do with the fact that i suffer from an attention deficit hyperactivity disorder which allegedly sports “trouble sleeping” as a symptom but adhd drugs like dexedrine don't really help me sleep. they do, however, help me be very productive during my insomniac hours, so i'm glad for that. if i'm not going to sleep i might as well squeeze in a few hours of decent writing, given i'm usually a zombie the following day, with no creative urge whatsoever.

i've given many a thought to trying light therapy, but good light therapy units seem to be fairly pricey and what i'd like to avoid is yet ANOTHER object that cost a couple hundred bucks becoming useless clutter. amazon has several units on sale, i've no clue which one's better than another, all the review scores are similar, the reviews say similar things, but i don't know if i can take anyone's word for it. what i'd like to know is if anyone in OUR community here's tried it – perhaps more than one model/unit – and has an opinion to share. so please, if you exist, “hit me up”.

briefly considered intravenous heroin use…but figured the goal was to get a good night's sleep, and not for a week, or eternity. not at my young, tender age, oh not yet.

i kid. i'm just afraid of needles.

but in a somewhat serendipitous moment, i awoke at about 2.30am and almost immediately stumbled upon this link someone had posted on twitter:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/134115/the_truth_about_nocturnal_people.html?cat=5

i like what the article suggests – that rather than being insomniacs (and thus “sick”, or people with “problems”), many of us could simply be nocturnal. i.e., it's a sort of social/systemic/institutionalized structure that brands us “insomniacs” by supposing we ALL must rise when the sun shines and sleep when the sun dips, and that anyone who diverges from this routine should be prescribed pills, vitamins, supplements, and so forth. i realize i LIKE the night very much, it's a particularly lovely time of the day for me, i get quite a bit done, it's a lot quieter, and there are far fewer people around.

i also love a beautiful day, mind you. yesterday was particularly gorgeous – i spent the day on the malibu coast; it was 72º, the sun was friendly, i posted pictures on my tumblr, etc.. but then i came home, felt sleepy early, thought it a good sign i'd get a long night's sleep, went to bed at roughly 10pm and woke up at 2+ in the morning. which is about the best i can manage. i don't complain too loudly when this happens – a morning i wake up and get out of bed without pain, aches, fibromyalgia burning my skin, nausea, is a good morning. a GREAT morning, really. it could be worse. it often is.

my next step is to further explore light therapy (again, hit me up if you know something about this), and meditation – a thing i've tried in the past but have had little to no success with. however, i was recently fortunate enough to win a week's attendance at a forthcoming spiritual and meditation retreat with deepak chopra (chopra centre's “the seduction of spirit”). i haven't been given any details yet but looking at their website, the next two retreats happen in sedona and carlsbad, in august and november, respectively. i can't wait.

how are you all? what have you been up to, and are you finding sleep?