[MM]

Thanks, gsdmom. You’re right identifying and labeling struggling really does make a difference. It’s an important first step. Thanks for your encouragement. I am going to take a break from thinking about my sleep so much but I hope to post back with an update and see how all of you are doing in a week or two.

[Mac0908]

Hi Deb, hope all is well. I see you asked about me a while back. Hope you don’t mind (i’m sure you don’t) but I was taking an extended break from here. As far as work goes we are returning August 3rd. Originally it was supposed to be July 11th but that was pushed back. My sleep has been wonderful as I got out of that week long (rather bad) relapse and have been sleeping well now for close to an entire month. It’s reached a point now where I really and truly don’t even fear or think much about insomnia at all anymore. However, I know things will take at least a slight nosedive once I return to the office and I have a 6am alarm staring at me again everyday.

These last 4 months have taught me so much, and as much as I hate this pandemic, working from home has really opened my eyes to just how much of a non-morning person I’ve really always been. That being said, I’ve still been averaging a 7am wakeup during the last 4 months which isn’t too late, but boy, what I would do to get a job one day that allows me to at least sleep a little later. A job that doesn’t give me stress in the office like this one has for so long, along with some quite unpleasant people. A job that doesn’t give me some anxiety the night before thinking about how I better get to bed soon seeing as how I gotta be up at 6! It’s all these things that disappeared and subsequently lead me to better sleep and a better life for the majority of these last 4 months.

While I don’t see my recovery journey being completely over just yet, the light at the end of the tunnel and the final pieces to the puzzle now appear to be more clearer than ever. I’ve come a long way.

[Deb]

Your really have come a long way, Mac! Glad you’re doing so well.

[whitelori]

Thank you Deb for the insight into meditation/mindfulness and how you need to experience it and that it is not an intellectual concept. I struggle as I find the practice of meditation/mindfulness very difficult, almost painful in a sense, and not enjoyable at all! I think you are right that you need to make a decision to do it and stick with it. A commitment. I hope I can someday experience what it means to separate thoughts from who I am. My head is swimming all the time and it can be anything – stress or non stressful. My mind enjoys being active and busy especially at night. I have had those suicidal thoughts as well by the way so I understand that kind of torture.

[gsdmom]

Hi Everyone,

I’m just checking in since it’s been about a year since starting ACT. I’m still in the pattern of having about 3 good weeks then having a bit of a relapse. However this last relapse lasting almost 3 weeks was milder. I can often fall asleep, but for the 1st hour my sleep was very light, and then waking up and not being able to fall asleep again. However on my worst night, I still slept 4 hours, compared to last year which would have been zero. On some nights when I’m struggling I still take an Ambien, but since I’ve made the choice to be much more relaxed and accepting about taking Ambien, I only need 1/2 of one, which is probably more psychological than the meds actually working since its a pretty small dose. I still do guided meditation before bed, but am choosing shorter ones, about 20 minutes and as recommeded by Odinsky, listening to the audiobook, Power of Now. I read the physical book many years ago but couldn’t grasp the concept. It makes more sense now, and ironically, the tone and the pace of the book often puts me to sleep so I’ll have to re-listen during the day for the chapters I’ve missed.I didn’t realize how my present thoughts are often based in the future. I have new doctor who did not dismiss my insomnia which is a relief, and my over energy and mental clarity is so much better compared to a year ago. All the best to everyone out there, and have patience, you will improve!

[Deb]

Glad you’re doing better, Gdsmom. I’m doing better too. I still have some short relapses, but they are nothing like before. For myself the main thing now is to learn how to not fall back on crutches like the white russians. Then hopefully over time my brain won’t automatically think about having a drink when I can’t sleep but instead will relax and then fall asleep naturally.

[Mac0908]

Long time no speak everyone. Wanted to jump back on here for an update on myself:

I’ve been working from home since late March (was supposed to return in early August but that was extended and I am now going back to the office after Labor Day) and it has helped my insomnia tremendously to the point of where things will likely never go back to where they were, at least not mentally. While I’ve had a few brief relapses, I’ve slept very well for so long that I consider myself cured at least in the mental aspect. I know I can sleep, and I know I can sleep well. It’s really been truly amazing. I was even able to wear my contact lenses for the first time in years as my eyes were not droopy and tired. That alone was an accomplishment that I’ll never forget (crazy, I know)

That being said things are still not PERFECT physically, when it comes to the actual sleep, but I know I’m in a much better place than I was in the past, or even right before Covid hit when I was improving on and off. I still however seem to struggle with my one huge problem and that being “special event insomnia”. Whether it’s a get together for a friends birthday like last week, or a date to grab a drink, I still tend to let too much anxiety creep in before I fall asleep in bed. I hope that this last hurdle of my insomnia can be dealt with sooner than later. I know it was Sasha Stephens’ last hurdle. (wish she explained how she beat it) But in the meantime, I think I’ll take what I can get, because for me it’s enough at the moment.

-Mac

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Mac0908.

[Deb]

Hi Mac – glad you’re doing well. Did you get past the hump of going back to the office and having to get up at six again? I’m sure you’ll learn to deal with special events, just like you’ve gotten better in other ways.

I’m doing well too. Had a few relapses, but they were short. Back to averaging 8 or more hours per night on a regular basis.

[Mac0908]

Hi Deb, so glad you are continuing to do very well. I am going back to the office after Labor Day. We had an extension as far as working from home goes, so that was nice, and got me even more time to continue sleeping well. I know going back will likely result in a big bump in the road for me, it’s inevitable, but whether i eventually get through it naturally or end up in a job with a later start time that finally allows me to sleep a little later, I feel I will be able to handle things better if they get rough again.

[Borgesbi]

Hi all!!! It’s been such a long time and it’s so nice to read about all of your recoveries. I’ve been helping a friend who’s struggling with insomnia and it made me think of all of us last year around this time of the year all beginning to practice ACT. What a time! It’s really wonderful to see that we have all gotten past the suffering and resistance that comes with and perpetuates insomnia. I definitely feel healed from it, but just like with most of you, sleep isn’t perfect and it’s very different than what it used to be pre-insomnia but I’m totally ok with it these days and relaxed about it. The 2 mains differences are: I still wake up in the middle of the night, although I do have nights of no wake ups at all. Some nights I fall back asleep quickly, some I don’t. I just don’t mind it anymore, don’t struggle or see it as bad. I always get sleep no matter what and it’s almost always very refreshing, so I don’t care when sleep doesn’t come back as easily in the middle of the night. The second main difference is that I used to be someone who needed 7-8 hours of sleep, and definitely more on weekends. Now, between 5-6 is all my body needs to feel refreshed, it’s almost like it learned how to do all of the regenerative work that happens during sleep quicker and more efficiently. Maybe this change would have happened even if I hadn’t gone through insomnia, maybe it was a change that came with age. I remember my mom’s sleep schedule was very similar to what mine is like now, so there could be some genetic influence there too. In terms of attitude towards sleep, besides dissolving all the fear, anxiety, and obsession with sleep, the very last step that was needed for me to heal: I stopped grieving for those 8 hours of sleep I used to get pre-insomnia or wanting so badly to “sleep in” on weekends and now I truly enjoy being up early in the morning each day (I’m talking 5, 6 am, sometimes even 4 if I go to bed around 9ish). I love the quiet and stillness of the early morning these days. I always make a cup of coffee and lie back in bed to read while sipping it and I just get so much joy from the ritual. Also, the days last so long, I love that during the week I get some hours to relax, or work out, or cook before getting ready for work and so many hours on the weekends for a good balance between relaxing and being productive. It was incredible to me to see just how psychological insomnia really was. I used to feel really frustrated when people stated this because to me insomnia was purely a biological disorder, until I practiced ACT and saw just how dysfunctional my “relationship with sleep” was. There is a biological factor for sure as well, but I would say it’s 50/50, or at least it was for me! Anyway, I don’t mean to go on forever here. Just wanted to give an update after a year and it made me so happy to see you are all doing better as well!!! I’m more than happy to talk some more here or through email if anyone wants to be in touch or need a little advice. Big big hugs to everyone!

[Mac0908]

Wonderful to hear from you Borg and thanks for the update. I have reached what I feel is a similar boat to you. While not a perfect sleeper, I have conquered the fear and the psychological trauma that Insomnia caused me for so long. For me though it is a little more difficult to get by on 5 or 6 hours (I’m still pretty certain that I need a good 7 hrs to feel well) but I am still trying the best I can to get even better.

I worked from home for the last 5 months of my life and learned a lot about myself. I learned more than anything that my usual work alarm of 6am was simply too early for my body in general and adding on the battle of Insomnia that came just made it almost impossible to defeat. So, these 5 months, even though horrible bc of the pandemic and what not, were really a blessing in disguise for me at least. They were a reset so to speak. Last week I finally returned to the office and the dreaded early alarm again has caused some bad sleep to return as I predicted. But with that being said I am no longer letting things really get to me like they used to and am remaining calm while hoping my sleep gets better until a day comes where I can move into a new job that allows me to sleep a little later. During work from home I came to the conclusion that my body generally moves a little “later” than most.

Compared to the 10-1030 bedtime pre Covid, I would tend to crash around the average time of 11-1130pm instead. Wakeups would be around 7am instead of the usual 6am, and meals would be eaten a little later than usual as well. Lunch at 1or 2 instead of 12, dinner at 7 or 8 instead of 5 or 6. This is just how I am and it’s who I am. Even before insomnia the 6am wakeups never agreed with me. This last year and all that’s come with it has all been such an awakening and I’ve learned so much. I look back at myself in 2017 and 2018 and cringe! While I’m still not fully healed, I have reached a good amount of light at the end of what was a VERY dark tunnel for me and I’m just thrilled that I’m not stuck in it anymore.

-Mac

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Mac0908.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Mac0908.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Mac0908.

[Deb]

Great to hear from you, Borgesbi and glad you’re doing well. Glad you’re doing well, too Mac. Yes, as I also look back, it’s hard to believe how bad 2019 was for me. That year was basically a total wash out! Now I’m sleeping well, mostly like I did before although I have an occasional short-lived relapse.

It’s meant so much to me to be able to share with all of you and feel supported by you. Hoping everyone is doing better.

[Mac0908]

Wow, long time no speak, everyone! Deb, Steve, etc, How have you all been doing? I wanted to reach out with an update on me. Its been almost two months now since I’m back in the office and initially things were going ok. Not perfect, but well enough to the point where the recovery I was having during my FIVE month work from home phase appeared to be carrying over relatively well. Suddenly things have gone a bit South though the last two full weeks, aside from a day or two, I’ve experienced poor sleep. For those who know me best it’s the usual. Typically I have no problem falling asleep within an hour but it’s the early awakenings that kill me. I’ll try and doze back off but its either broken sleep or just bad sleep in general until my alarm goes off.

Now typically the best course of action myself and many of us know during all this is not “trying” to get out of anything. Just accepting (ACT) that I’m in a bad phase of sleep and that it will pass eventually. These “bad phases” as I would know them as used to last much longer. A month, often two, before they would fade away briefly only to return. Then, during my work from home phase they would start to be much shorter… A week, 10 days at most. But now here I am back at work, with my alarm set in place every morning, I’m just afraid that the old way of insomnia might be beginning to get more reinforced. I know there’s really not much to do though. I’ve come such a long way. But I’d be lying if I said I had no frustration building up because of this. Sitting at work a zombie now day after day sipping my coffee while being somewhat hesitant to commit to plans is bringing back memories of old that I just want absolutely positively nothing to do with…

[Deb]

Hi Mac – so sorry to hear about your relapse. It’s funny, but just yesterday I was thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been doing. I’ve been doing pretty well but have had some short relapses that get triggered by “special events” like you had. Do you still have those? In my case they aren’t even special events, I just need to get up a little earlier than usual for some reason and then I can’t fall asleep. It’s frustrating. But it doesn’t sound as bad as what you’re going through. I hope for you that it gets better soon!

[Mac0908]

So nice to hear from you Deb. I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to write back! Haha. Yes I do still have those. As a matter of fact for the past week I had a decent amount of things going on and that definitely played the usual part in my troubles. I hear you about the waking up even a little bit earlier. Makes me think about my work issue in general that held my insomnia in place for so long (and apparently is continuing come back a bit now that I’m back in the office). Basically for some people like us, anxiety and sleep are often going to be an issue and when something is interfering with that (i.e. special events the next day, an early alarm, a traumatic event) it is usually going to make things more difficult. The best we can do, and this is what I’m trying, is just to relax the absolute best I can. If this phase lasts even a month, so be it. Even though I’m so over any of this I guess I still have to keep reminding myself (and you should too) that I’m in a spot 50x better than where I was years ago, or in my case, even a year ago.

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