[Deb]

At the sight there are different ways to contact me through email or phone and it also connects to my website. If you phone, leave a message because I don’t pick up when I don’t know who is calling.

[Mac0908]

I don’t know guys, either I forgot or maybe I’m just not truly getting what ACT is all about, but this is just getting too brutal now. Some pretty bad nights this week and last night the worst. When does the whole “when you have a bad night, don’t let it bother you” mindset not apply anymore? Have a job interview today so yes this was a “special event” night for me so yes some extra anxiety came to the surface. I welcome the thoughts, even played around with them a bit, and felt rather good going to bed last night. Long story short it was a brutal night with a VERY early awakening that never really went away. I’ve basically been up since at least 4am today. I will go on this interview as an absolute zombie now. I even had tentative plans with a friend after work for a drink and just let him know tonight is not a good night.

I feel I am one more bad night away from another rockbottom. I just cannot live this life anymore. It’s just surreal how insomnia works, too. Monday i was having a great day at work fully rested. Felt like that could have been a nice beginning of a good streak. Three bad nights have now followed. It really seems like my brain has forgotten how to sleep again. Deb I know you will hate me for saying this, but i’m starting to think might have to revert back to SRT, at least temporarily. The only thing as I’ve said before, that might be a factor, is that I am going in my bed when not that tired, early, around 10pm-10:15pm. But, that is what ACT is supposed to be all about. Not caring, letting go, not following all these rules and regulations. But maybe I need to start pushing it back once and for all. At least to 10:45pm

I wonder, is going to bed when not that tired considered poor sleep hygiene? While I lay there and i’m relaxed and not anxious on the surface, but something tells me the underlying anxiety might slowly be peaking through as I do lay there.

[Deb]

Do what you need to do, Mac. I think what’s most important is to believe something will work. Since you’ve had success with SRT before, then go for it.

[Deb]

I want to make the same offer that I made to Lori for anyone else here who needs extra support and would like to talk. I mentioned how to contact me in an earlier post. Lori and I had a very nice talk and it was great to finally meet someone here face to face.

[Mac0908]

What do you think happened to me Deb? I was doing so good early on. The best I ever had in years. I never felt more confident. Then this last month it’s been all downhill hard. . .

[Deb]

You’ve lost faith in ACT. That’s great that Monday was good, but then that set you up for expectations, which goes against ACT. ACT doesn’t work like that. Whenever I restarted ACT, it was always like jumping off a cliff into the darkness, not knowing if or when I would get better, but ready to accept whatever would happen. I just completely surrendered to the unknown. My first night I would always be awake most of the night. Then over time it would gradually get better. It’s like the unconsciousness part of myself did not yet trust that I was really going to be peaceful at night, so it was still on high alert. But then when I was consistently peaceful and accepting, the unconscious part settled down and my sleep got better. If you’re going to do ACT, Mac, you’ve got to go all in and take that leap of faith into the unknown, without any expectations.

[taylor45]

Mac- I was also doing really well with ACT and then have seemed to fall off the wagon. Last night I spent the whole night dealing with rushes of adrenaline, shaking and this overall really overwhelming feeling. Accepting anything on those nights feels impossible, idk how anyone does it. Ive never gotten out of bed when feeling this kind of anxiety because ive been trying to follow what Dr. Guy says. Im also so tired when I am laying in bed and the idea of getting up is so unappealing, but I really am starting to hate my bed.
This morning I am feeling so hopeless. I must just really not be understanding how to accept this.
My anxiety is through the roof, im exhausted. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can take this. When I am utterly exhausted like this, my brain won’t process anything rationally and so I feel so trapped because I feel like I cant work my way out of this feeling and I’m just setting myself up for a string of sleepless nights.
I have class today and the idea of driving myself there and sitting there is dreadful. I can’t even eat breakfast this morning because my body is so anxious.
Is this how the rest of my life will be? doesn’t seem worth living if thats the case.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by taylor45.

[Mac0908]

Yeah Taylor I know all about that rush / shaky feeling. It went away for a long time but now that I’m struggling again it has returned. When I woke last night my entire body was just very hot. A symptom of anxiety of course. I had to even turn on the AC. Mind you it’s 45 degrees outside. Again, anxiety.

And Deb, I don’t know… Part of me wants to understand your thoughts, and another part of me just doesn’t think the excuse is as simple as you make it sound. I honestly didn’t wake up Monday saying “oh this is great! i’m out of the woods now!”. I went to bed that Tuesday like I’ve gone to bed the last year pretty much. Into the unknown. Would I hope for a good night? Of course, but did I expect it? Probably never. It just has to reach a point where, at least in my opinion, an insomniac goes so far backwards that they have to “start over” so to speak.

Right now ACT has not worked for me pretty much at all for 95% of the last month. That’s a relapse. That’s why I think I might have to take a few steps back to SRT to notice that I can sleep well again before going back and giving ACT another try. Too much anxiety has been built up in me these last few weeks to simply start recovering, even slowly. Last night when I awoke it was the first time I seriously considering popping a Zquil in probably close to 8 months. I was at a point a few months ago where I thought i’d never ever consider taking one again. Just to put it all into perspective.

[whitelori]

Deb-That was wonderful and it was so nice to meet you. It was helpful to talk in person, and although I am still struggling, it was still encouraging to connect and talk about it with someone who truly understands. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Taylor45-I understand so well your feelings. It is easy to think why go on as I have also had these thoughts so many times, but we do get through and just try as hard as it is, to see some good in your day despite how awful you feel. I mean even small things. When I am just so low that I can’t imagine this being any worse, I will do laundry or clean up a room and then consider that a victory even if small. Or to talk with my daughter or to see the light of day, I try and be thankful. Even at my worst, there are always better days that do come. I also say to myself that God still wants me here as I am amazed at what my body can take. Despite the suffering, there are other people who would miss me and some who still need me. So try and stay focused on your goals and also think of the details that bring joy like a conversation with someone you love. I think you said you want to be a nurse. You can still be what you want to be and don’t think about this problem stopping you. Keep going and don’t give the insomnia the attention it wants. I sometimes try and laugh at this. It isn’t funny, but I think of insomnia like a bully and to make the bully stop you stand up to it. Minimize its power, by belittling it. I remember a psychiatrist said to me long ago that I put sleep on a pedestal, that I made it of such importance, and I needed to stop. Yes, we feel bad, but we manage and we do function.

Mac-I have gone through good periods and then for no good reason, I felt back to square one. I am trying to just say now that when my body is ready it will sleep and not over analyze it. It is frustrating I know. Our minds are so strong and complex!

[taylor45]

It sometimes really feels like I’m not managing or really functioning. I really try to force myself to go to class even on hard days. But sometimes the anxiety is alll consuming and stops me from being able to eat even. When I lay awake at night i fear not being able to eat or being dragged down all day by hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. I know thoughts are just thoughts but they feel very real when your brain is tired

[Mac0908]

Taylor while I know I might seem a little hypocritical given my last couple of posts, the idea is to not vent about insomnia to that extent on here. It will only fuel it more for you and potentially others reading. I guarantee it. You need to find a way to begin accepting your insomnia as much as you possibly can. This is what Guy Meadows preaches and looking at your post there, you’re doing the exact opposite

[Deb]

Maybe SRT is better for those who just can’t get their anxiety under control. But either way, it requires commitment to the long haul and to keep going even if it takes many months to completely recover, which it seems to take for a lot of people doing SRT.

I know that ACT is not simple and probably needs more “hand-holding” on a regular basis to not slip off course, which is easy to do. I got the feeling from the ACT book that the folks who worked with Dr. Guy had regular access to him and this helped a lot in their recovery. Otherwise they might have gotten overwhelmed by their anxiety and any confusion, and have not been able to stay the course. SRT is simpler and you can do it on your own. Just follow the simple rules and it works for a lot of folks.

[Deb]

If anyone here could use some “hand-holding” in practicing ACT, please get in touch with me and I would be happy to help. I am a trained counselor and have lots of experience helping people get through difficult situations that were too hard to deal with on their own. Because I hate insomnia and know how miserable it is, I am willing to do this for free.

[Mac0908]

Thanks Deb. This all just seems surreal. Few months ago I was in the best shape ever. ACT was working and my sleep confidence was at it’s highest in years. Now I’m talking about going back to SRT. (((Sighs)))

[Deb]

You gotta do what you gotta do, Mac, and trust yourself that you know what’s best for you.

[Author]

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