[Willowman]

Hello everyone,

About 8 months ago, it started. Last winter, I had a tumor and an operation with a brief stint in oncology – it went ok and I thought I got through that without too excessive worry. But obviously, I only kid myself. Eight weeks later, I experienced daily rising tension and some insomnia started when the threats in the news started. Basically I woke up in the night with fear, but could usually go to sleep again.

Still it was unpleasant and since I had an episode of severe anxiety more than ten years ago, I went to see a psych doctor. He prescribed an antidepressant (an SSRI) with strict instructions to stay on it even if it has adverse results at first.

It was hell. Five weeks of hell. Intense agitation, couldn’t sit still, couldn’t sleep at all, paced around all day and my old enemy, existential anxiety (probably already half triggered by the tumor thing last year), was reawakened. That was it, I had anxiety all day and night every single day. I had a similar reaction to another SSRI years ago so I am not going to try those again.

After five weeks, I refused to take that medication anymore.

About two weeks later, it went to the level it is now. I still have to think about existential worries daily and especially nightly. I wake up multiple times during the night. Most nights, I can fall asleep ok but I can’t stay asleep. I will wake up and be awake for quite some time or for good. All in all, I get about four to five hours of very broken sleep on a typical night, sometimes a bit more, sometimes less. And ofc the anxiety is there all night.

I am doing better with dealing with anxiety during the day as I have learned some techniques that work. And also during the night, I will at least calm down somewhat. But not enough to sleep. And sleep is now linked to anxiety in itself for me, I am afraid of sleeping in a nutshell.

After months of this, I am a mess. I have severe sleep deprivation, I am scared of dementia and heart issues from this (I have a high genetic risk of dementia anyway, another source of anxiety) and then ofc there are still the original fear thoughts. I am working on the anxiety with a therapist but it’s rough going because my thoughts are actually realistic only not right now. So all the „is the and I am working on acceptance. Hard hard hard for me.

I tried multiple sleep meds, too. Passion flower extract, chamonille tea, melatonin, cold. Getting out of my bed when I can’t sleep, although I never know what to do without waking up my family and basically I go to our guest room bed. I don’t know if that is correct.

Is there hope for me? I cannot take antidepressants as I don’t want to risk another such severe adverse reaction. Does this work without medication?

Best

Chris

[Martin Reed]

I know that since you posted this we have started working together, Chris — but as a note for others who may read your post, I think it’s important to acknowledge that this is a really difficult situation to be in.

And it’s also not particularly unique or unusual; in your post you described all of the understandable efforts you have gone to in an attempt to fight wakefulness and control your thoughts and feelings — which makes sense since all of that stuff can be really difficult and unpleasant.

And yet, it might be all of those efforts and attempts that are causing or exacerbating so much of the struggle you described so well and that so many people reading your post will identify with.

There is always hope — for you and everyone else! Nobody is broken — we just get stuck from time to time.

—

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