[EmL]

My insomnia started a bit over two months ago after an SSRI trial (only took it 2 weeks) during a stressful time in my life. In addition to already feeling anxious/not grounded, I experienced poor sleep and anxiety as side effects (heightened by the anxiety from my mind feeling different on the meds). At the time I was labeling it as poor sleep until I woke up one hour after falling asleep with my heart racing and whole body tinging with anxiety. I did not sleep at all the rest of the night or the next two nights and the anxiety feeling did not go away. I got increasingly panicked that I would never fall asleep (since my anxiety was SOO high) and went to the ER where the doctor gave my an antihistamine to take. After feeling almost psychotic after three nights of no sleep and terrified that I would die feeling this way (honestly a traumatic experience), I slept soundly after taking the antihistamine that night.

Since then it was ups and downs trying new things and having them work for a few days before they stopped (e.g., supplements, teas, exercise, meditation, melatonin). While I did notice some improvement (3-4 hours of broken sleep a week to 6 hours of broken sleep), a couple weeks ago sleep became much more unpredictable and sleep onset got more difficult. This is probably around when I accepted that the issue was anxiety and that and all the “easy fixes” lost their power.

What’s been the most exhausting recently is the shift in my sleep onset. Once the anxiety/panic sets it, it feels like the only way to fall asleep is to freak out and let that wear me out (which was reinforced by the fact that it was effective three nights in a row and has become an increasingly distressing feeling). Unfortunately, this left me with some pretty negative associations with my bed. I started sleep restriction two nights ago (first night I fell asleep immediately and last night was rough; good nights seem to motivate my brain to prove that things still aren’t safe). It’s also hard to find stimulus control activities that actually distract me from the anxiety.

I’d like to commit to CBTi, but I’m worried that some of the anxious beliefs I have are going to be hard to disprove. I’m fine working off of three hours of sleep (my nights range from 3-6 hours). I’ve made an effort to do things I enjoy and am actually finding more purpose during the day than before the sleep issues began. What terrifies me is the prospect of another night of zero sleep. When I lay down and get anxious the thought isn’t “when will I sleep” it’s “will I sleep at all.” After that experience two months ago, it’s like my brain is convinced that one night of no sleep sets off a cascade of completely sleepless nights that lead to me feeling the way I did two months ago (the most terrified I’ve ever been). Because I slept after taking the antihistamine, my brain isn’t convinced that I would’ve slept without it. It also feels like after every good night my brain is trying to prove that things still aren’t safe by increasing my anxiety. I’m worried that the CBTi techniques won’t address this. It feels like I need to experience proof that no amount of anxiety can keep me from eventually sleeping and that I won’t lose myself before that happens. I’m worried that I’m too stubborn to let go and actually let this work for me. It’s a scary feeling not trusting your body to do what you know it can. I appreciate any tips!

[Scott]

@EML – welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.

I wouldn’t say that your experience with insomnia is much different than others. When we try to fix our insomnia with supplements and other possible solutions on the Internet and they don’t work, our anxiety about our sleep issue heightens. Sleep doesn’t reward our efforts, and in fact, our mind shines a spotlight on it and continually reminds us of our problem. Since you haven’t experienced long-term success finding supplements that work, do you think continuing to research those products is beneficial?

Having anxious thoughts about our sleep doesn’t cause insomnia, but how we respond to those ruminations can. We try to control or avoid our thoughts because they’re uncomfortable but that struggle creates a vicious loop and makes sleep much more difficult. We can’t control what pops into our mind, so why believe those unhelpful thoughts? Instead of believing and struggling with our thoughts, I wonder if changing our relationship with them would be more rewarding? When one of those, “will I sleep at all” thoughts arrive – and they will – what if you respond to your mind by saying, “Thank you, mind” and allowing it to exist and pass? This technique may not work the first several times but if you continue to practice it, those thoughts diminish and have less impact over time. I overcame insomnia a couple of years ago, but I still have some (but much fewer) anxious thoughts about sleep, especially when I travel or when I’m not sleeping in my bed at home, but I simply allow those thoughts to come and go as they please without giving it the attention it wants.

I hope this helps,

Scott J

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[Chee2308]

Hello! Be willing to entertain thoughts of nights with zero sleep. Instead of trying to shut them out or escaping. This means you become more willing to listen to your overprotective mind, which is just trying to protect you. If you try to shut it out, it amplifies the urgency, ups the alert levels and you end up with alarm bells going off everywhere in your body in the form of panic and anxiety attacks.

Maybe spend some time quietly every day just to acknowledge your thoughts and what your mind is trying to warn you about. Tell yourself it is okay to feel this way and indeed very natural and human. But try to accept that nothing controls sleep. It is a biological process that happens after being awake long enough. In the same way you get hungrier or feel the urge to inhale the longer you go without food or breathing.

Try to imagine what a senario with zero sleep entails. This means different things to different people. It may mean poor work performance, feeling lethargic, low energy levels, foggy mind or whatever. Be willing to experience all these, in fact expect them to happen. So then what’s the big deal? You will still get through the day regardless. A night or two of no sleep won’t hurt or damage you in any way. Remember the longer you go without sleep, the likelier you will sleep because of all that sleep debt getting built up. This is the ultimate truth about sleeping.

When you then come out of the ‘other side’ from this experience, you begin seeing what insomnia is all about. Just a set of thoughts and how you relate to them. Thoughts can’t control sleep either! So all this has nothing to do with your innate ability to sleep. Basically you were just frightened by your own thoughts. Good luck!

[Author]

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