[BaileyN]

This is my first post and I know there is probably no definitive answer to my question but would love some input. Sorry in advance for how lengthy this post will be! I suffered severly from insomnia back in 2008, I struggled with it for years and finally did CBTi techniques and overcame it fairly quickly but continued with techniques for several months afterwards. Since then I have been a really good sleeper, going to bed and waking up at any time and often sleeping in. I have had minor sleep disturbances over the years (like moving in with partners, having a baby, going on holidays, etc) but have always overcame these disturbances within days. A few weeks ago I had a restless night sleep (which usually wouldn’t bother me) and for whatever reason it has triggered something and I have been dealing with severe sleep issues since. I thought it would just go away but my anxiety towards sleep has just taken over so I have decided to implement the CBTi techniques again to get it under control. However I am finding it harder this time around. I have been trying for the past few weeks but have only committed to sticking to it this week, I am on my 5th night of CBTi (I know its still early but I am not getting the results that I did almost instantly in 2008). One of the issues I am facing is that my husband is a snorer. He has always been but it has never bothered me and now it really does. While I was a good sleeper, if he was snoring usually I would just wake him and go straight back to sleep. Or if it was really bad I would go to sleep on the couch and I wouldn’t give it another thought the next day. The following night I would return to the bed. Usually I would fall asleep so quickly that I wouldn’t hear him snoring anyway. But since my spiral into insomnia again his snoring is really bothering me and I think its exhasterbating my anxiety towards sleep in our bed. To the point that if I go to bed during my sleep window and he isn’t snoring, I will lie there wide awake waiting for him to start snoring. I then wake him, get him to roll over and he does and it usually stops his snoring, but then I still lie there and wait for him to start snoring again (which he ususally does so that puts pressure on me to fall asleep before he starts snoring again). Usually this results in me going to the couch and I fall asleep instantly. I also had a few nights away visiting a friend recently where I had the bed to myself and I slept great for 3 nights, came home and my insomnia returned. My husband gets up really early for work and drives more than 12 hours a day so I often feel bad waking him up as well. He has been tested for sleep apnea which he doesn’t have and I think he is just so tired that he snores. First time around in 2008 when I did the CBTi technqiues to cure my insomnia I was also dating a snorer and it used to trigger my insomnia back then as well, but as soon as I started CBTi I was just falling asleep so quickly that I didn’t even hear him, or I would wake him up once and he would stop and I would fall asleep straight away. This time around though I just can’t seem to relax in bed with my husband. We don’t have a spare room with a bed, so the only other option is the couch. So here is my dilema. I think I would be able to get my sleep back on track reasonably quickly if I sleep on the couch and practice the CBTi techniques and then once my sleep is on track maybe I can transition back to the bed? My deep seeded fear is that if I start sleeping on the couch and my sleep improves I will never return to the bed. Has anyone else had any experience with suffering from insomnia and it being exasperated by a partner who snores? How to overcome it without resorting to sleeping away from their partner? Should I just have faith that the CBTi will work and my drive for sleep will become stronger than my anxiety over my husbands snoring? This all sounds so silly reading it back, but I am really struggling with this.

[SueE]

Hi BaileyN, I’m no expert (just a fellow sufferer) but I’d say that as you haven’t had problems with your husband’s snoring before then something has happened recently to increase your level of anxiety about not sleeping. There’s always a reason or reasons if we delve deeply enough – Unfortunately for those of us who are more predisposed or prone to insomnia it really doesn’t take anything that obvious or significant to tip the balance and trigger sleepless nights. You’ve had it before so you fear it coming back which is understandable as it’s not pleasant, but you don’t say how you allowed it to affect you back then. Did you carry on with your life or give into it? Doing the former will take away its power and make it easier to overcome. I have a big fear of rejection so I worry about not being at my best the next day and therefore letting people down – Anxiety and the resulting perfectionism have always played a big part in my life, but up until recently I’ve had coping mechanisms in place to deal with them. Some big changes in my life in the last few years have upset this delicate balance (quite happy to share if you’d like as they might be relevant to you) – However I remain optimistic that I will overcome insomnia and come out the other side stronger. Oh and I also have a husband who snores badly, but I’m lucky enough to be able to decant into the spare bedroom, and I’ve learned not to feel guilty about doing so either as I know I’m not alone!

[Martin Reed]

Have you encouraged your husband to get his snoring checked by a doctor? I wonder if that might be something worth exploring!

It sounds as though you might be under the impression that CBT-I will help you get rid of anxiety — and that might be the source of your struggle since trying to get rid of anxiety would be the same as trying to get rid of your heartbeat. For as long as you’re a living human being, you will have a heartbeat and you will experience anxiety!

Perhaps what might be useful is practicing a new approach toward anxiety — an approach that doesn’t involve trying to fight or avoid it and, as a result, getting tangled up in an exhausting struggle with it?

An approach that might involve acknowledging it when it shows up and even making space for it? It’s going to show up anyway and this way, you aren’t giving it every ounce of your attention and energy. Might that be useful, do you think?

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[Jenna]

Hi there! I just wanted to comment (even though its several weeks later) that I have been struggling with the same thing lately. I was sleeping fine until my husband starting having issues at night with asthma and more consistent snoring over the last few months. I feel I have totally created an anxious response with him and our bed, and usually sleep fine when we sleep separate. But now, my concern is that this will just create a long standing pattern of us never sleeping together, which upsets me also.

Have you found a solution that works for you yet? I am still trying to figure this out myself.

[Author]

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