[BBS]

My journey to success is new but exciting! So last night was the first night this week I slept on my own. Twelve a.m. to 6:30 am is my sleep window. Since I don’t watch the clock, I THINK I went to sleep around 1:30 am, woke about 4 something and went back to sleep before getting up at 6:30 am. My problem is getting to sleep because if/when I wake up, I’m so grateful to have gone to sleep that I take what I can get. This means I put no pressure on myself to go back to sleep, so I usually do so quickly.

Here’s my aha moment. Truly and I mean TRULY befriending wakefulness to me is the key to success. Until you can be ok with not sleeping, you will force sleep in some way, shape or form, and you will in fact chase sleep away. We’ve heard this repeated, regurgitated, spread on toast, but I think it is the true key to sleep wellness. Here’s my turning point.

Tuesday night is a church night for me. Services get out around 9:15 pm and I’m used to running out to try to get to home to bed and to sleep. Since I don’t sleep anyway and am observing a sleep window, I had at least almost 3 hrs. to kill once home. So, I decided to fellowship and take my time getting home. Once home I watched some TV felt sleepy around 12 am and went to bed. Well I think I was experiencing some slight anxiety, started fact checking my thoughts, and over time came to the conclusion “Steph you’re not sleepy, get out of bed.” I had a pre-prepared game plan. Earlier in the week I’d bought some low light bulbs just for my eye comfort, and went to reading a paper novel. Here’s the kicker – I DID NOT CARE!!! I was not bitter or upset about being out of bed, I assume it was late but stopped checking clocks many years ago. I eventually went to bed, laid calmly in my in bed and calmly with my wakefulness and guess what, I did not go to sleep. Woke up at 6:30 am even though just then my mind was calm and ready to sleep. I changed the narrative from “today is really going to suck” to: “last night was a challenge, but I’m likely to still be able to perform as I have in the past, and besides I’m building sleep drive.” I went through my day with relative ease.

Wed night I even went to the movies with my Dad after not having slept all Tues. I decided I did not care, and kept encouraging myself by saying “you’re building sleep drive.” Got home at about 9 pm with NO EXPECTATION of Wed night. I did some personal study, wrote some letters. Instead of taping my late night shows and watching them the next day, I watched them “live”. Around 11pm I could feel myself nodding during the show. I kept up until 12am, felt sleepy for sleep, but then guess what, semi awake. Instead of getting out of bed, I decided I was calm and comfortable and tonight would exist with wakefulness in bed. I think I turned on the TV for a while. I ACTUALLY (you won’t believe this) told myself “maybe I’ll just stay up again.” Now I am amazed I can say this because I promise you it was heartfelt and with no animosity about staying awake and doing joyful activities, instead of brooding about not sleeping. The later never produces sleep, quite to the contrary, so why not try the first? And as I opened with, I slept!

I cannot explain how much of breakthrough this is for me. I HATED the fact of being told to “embrace wakefulness” it made me angry thinking about doing XYZ when I’d rather be sleeping! I was willing to try, but mentally rebelled against the notion. But I found, if you try and stick to the process, yes wakefulness can become tolerable then even enjoyable! The last few nights I’ve viewed it as my time to do whatever the hell I want, even to the point of perhaps choosing to just not sleep. Learning non-sleep is not detrimental to you, the 7-8 hr. night requirement is a sleep myth, that wakefulness/tiredness leads to sleep drive which leads to stronger sleep possibilities, and that our bodies WILL eventually make us sleep when ready if we don’t stand in its way.

I was able to approach my bed without the longtime fear I’ve had, by replacing the word sleep with rest, not putting pressure on myself to sleep in bed but rather enjoy TV, happy thoughts, warmth and relaxation – – as long as your bed does not breed sleep anxiety and fear, you can enjoy being there.

You may not feel that you can succeed and are in a place of desperation, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, and plain ole’ tiredness, but if you are diligent, stick to the philosophies, understand you can’t force sleep, as Martin always closes with so warmly and calmly – “you – can – sleep.”

[Martin Reed]

So much good stuff in here — thank you so much for sharing!

As you said yourself, realizing that a complete willingness to experience wakefulness is the key to starving insomnia of the oxygen it needs to survive is far easier said than done!

It often requires ongoing practice to respond in a different way that helps us move away from the ongoing struggle that makes everything more difficult. These are new skills and new skills take a lot of practice!

There are so many great insights in your post. I know that many people will be grateful to you for sharing them, just as I am!

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The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[BBS]

You have helped me TREMENDOUSLY! I know there may be setbacks and some bad nights but now I have the mental tools to know how to manage those without going down the rabbit hole. God bless.

[Chee2308]

Great share! Thank you. There is nothing to rebel against when it isn’t the enemy in the first place. What good does it do to go against your own body anyway? Whenever you find yourself not sleeping when you think you should, just remind yourself that your body just doesn’t need it at the moment so you can go off and use the time to indulge in some quiet, relaxing and enjoyable activities (even staying in bed is fine, there’s no strict definition of what an enjoyable activity is) whilst you wait for the sleepiness to come back. I guarantee you it will.

[Kriskin1]

BBS – great post. The above scenario you describe is what I’m currently going through. I wake up after 4 hrs sleep and cannot get back to sleep. This then becomes the challenge for me. I struggle with thoughts/worry on not getting enough sleep. Do I need to accept this or what can I do to improve my sleep. Lying in bed wide awake is not a great feeling. How will I change that? All the best

[BBS]

Well I’m very new to the process and have not cured by insomnia but am feeling hopeful I will so not quite sure I’m in a place where I should be giving advice lol. I will tell you what has worked for me and what I’ve learned.

Easier said than done, but until you can be ok with being awake, you will continue to struggle. That is insomnia in a nutshell, the fear of not being able to sleep which equals the fear and loathing of being awake during “sleep hours” which fuels insomnia, period. Intuitively, even before being coached, I surmised that watching the clock, napping and sleeping in were probably not helpful for most. I’ve never called out of work because of a bad night because I assumed being busy at work was a good thing vs. staying home to sleep in and further confusing your sleep drive.

I rise at 6:30 am no matter what, but did not know about a starting sleep window so now I’m doing that. What I’ve done that helps is after waking and working out, I had other enjoyable things I’d do in the hours before work, for example, personal spiritual study, I do volunteer work by writing letters to the elderly and shut-ins. NOW I have a gameplan for the nights I’m not sleeping. I reserve those activities for evening to busy my mind OR when I cannot sleep and must “embrace wakefulness”. I recently purchased a crochet kit because I want a calm activity I can do in dim light just because I personally hate bright lights in the house after dark and not because it’s a sleep effort. Some sleepless nights I lay comfortably in bed thinking of good memories. I’ll listen to podcasts and there’s always good ole TV lol. If being in bed awake does not agitate and frustrate you, stay there, if it does GET UP!

Martin taught me you can’t run from you thoughts. They are just thoughts, they have zero bearing on whether or not you will sleep. It’s the AROUSAL that FIGHTING the thoughts create that keep you awake. For me the key is to face the fact (which seems obvious) and tell myself “ok Steph, you’re not sleeping. What else can I do?” When I have upsetting thoughts I tell myself “ok you’re not sleeping but if don’t get to sleep tomorrow may be tough but I’ll get through it. I also cannot make myself sleep so I will not be unkind to myself about something I cannot control. Hmm what’s on TV?” I also tell myself “way to build that sleep drive”. You have to TRY to change the negative narratives around sleep to something at least tolerable and acceptable.

I wish you the best and hope this helps some. 🙂

[Pauline N]

Thank you for sharing. I am struggling so much and just cant seem to get a breakthrough. You gave me hope and encouragement. I need to learn to be okay with my wide awake nights. Glad I read your post!

[BBS]

I understand Pauline. You’ll see my first post mentioned I was willing to do the steps, but mentally I rebelled against the notion of enjoying wakefulness. I kept doing it though, and did find some enjoyment even though I was awake. Then, even though I didn’t have a lot of sleep, I was able to sleep on my own the next night and that was an incredible victory for me. Ask yourself, is being in bed, wide-awake and frustrated better than being wide awake awake in front of the TV, a book, etc.? Which one has the stronger chance of either 1) making you sleepy enough for sleep again, or 2) diverting your attention from your frustration?

[Frank87]

Great post, lots of insight here. How is your sleep now? How many hours a night do you get?

[Kriskin1]

Hi Steph – thanks for the replies. It’s great to see you being so positive. Last night I had a terrible night. After wakening up early after a few hours instead of embracing this and doing something worth while I lay in bed tossing & turning and being really frustrated and angry. Always saying to myself how am I going to cope tomorrow, my eyes will be shattered & I will look really down & tired. I will need to take onboard the techniques you are introducing for yourself. All the best

[BBS]

Yes I believe removing yourself from the place causing you frustration (in this case tossing and turning in bed) is not going to help you get better. Do you like watching TV in bed? You just have to learn to do something you enjoy until you’re ready to let sleep happen.

[Author]

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