[SevenOfNine]

Over 5 years ago cancer stole my son, diagnosed too late, swift & merciless, he was 35. Since then I didn’t sleep for more than 5 hours a night, but that was fine & I got by on it. Chose to stop part-time work after 2 years because I knew I was using it to hide from my grief.

Along comes the pandemic, frankly I was relatively OK with lockdowns & no fear of covid. My mum died last November & I was OK with that, she was 93, housebound, the pandemic made life awful for her & we had a bit of a sticky relationship anyway. She lost her daughter (my sister) 50 years ago to a car accident, I feel mum waited a long time to see her daughter again, & that comforts me.

So where did this inability to sleep come from? Once lockdowns ended I was able to restart a small voluntary role I used to do, & my 2 zumba classes (for the older generation so not strenuous exercise!). I volunteered at a new place as well, who unexpectedly sent me several on-line courses I was expected to do, & pass them all, in order to volunteer in their cafe for 2 hours a week!

Stunned at the expectation, & feeling totally unable & inadequate, to do any of them I had a MASSIVE meltdown. I think my stress levels went through the roof, perhaps my self confidence was hit as well?

Anyway, since advising them I won’t be starting, my stress over it has gone, but this inability to sleep kicked in. I’ve been directed to ‘54321 Recovery’, helped hugely to ease me out of constantly looking back at the sad past & loss of my son, or forwards into the equally sad, bleak future without my son. Focusing on the ‘NOW’. Following their techniques I can sort of empty my head when I go to bed, almost help my thoughts stop from racing around, a little like meditation I suppose, I focus on my breathing.

Unfortunately, though tired I take a while to drop off, wake feel really refreshed & wide awake……..yet I NEVER sleep for more than 2 hours! Then mostly that’s pretty much it, I don’t drift back off again. Wide awake for hours, not a hint of tiredness. Even the next day I’m not tired, a bit lethargic by the afternoon, but no hint of wanting to sleep, no catnaps, nothing.

I’ve tried Nytol, useless. Moved on to Melatonin 2x10mg tablets, useless. A counsellor friend suggested I had Complicated Grief Insomnia, but what now?

Apologies for the War & Peace sized post.

[Angeli]

Hi SevenOfNine!

I was very moved by his account. Losses are difficult to overcome and take time to calm the heart. I’ll tell you how I’m overcoming my insomnia and learning to live despite the losses.

The first thing I did was accept the things I can’t change. When I am in a state of acceptance, I release tensions. The fight ends. And that goes for everything: Insomnia, anxiety, psychosomatic symptoms, panic, grief, pain etc… that is, accepting everything that comes. I would even say, accept the unacceptable.
The second thing was the CBTi technique part. Corrected my sleep, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, night panic, finally, my whole life destroyed by insomnia I recovered with CBTi. But for that I had to give myself totally and follow everything I was taught. To start with, I weaned all the medicines, supplements, melatonin etc… Because nothing worked anymore, they made me dependent and increased my anxiety.

A month ago I also suffered the pain of the loss of a loved one. Despite being in a lot of pain, I didn’t lose sleep one night. I take it one day at a time and apply what I learn here. I don’t do anything else to help my sleep or take anything else. I hope you can too. (forgive me for the english mistakes)

[Author]

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