[kimbiana]

Hello everyone. If I think back, there have been a number of times that stress and anxiety disrupted my quality or amount of sleep, but the first time I really struggled with recurring sleep onset insomnia was at the start of 2018. It was a really bad period of about two months, and I really struggled with it because it seemingly came out of nowhere, but it did eventually improve and nearly go away entirely except for the odd night here or there. I had even gotten to the point where I didn’t have to practice any form of sleep hygiene.

Well, last week I got stressful news before bed which triggered a night of zero sleep, and that brought all my anxieties about sleep rushing back. It has led to 10 very rocky nights for me since then, including 3 nights where I’ve gotten no sleep at all and several with maybe 2-3 hours. It feels like my confidence got shot down overnight (it doesn’t help that I see a lot posts online of people struggling with “only” 5-6 hours, which is me on a good night right now). I’m glad I found this site because my memory of what techniques eventually worked for me back in 2018 have really faded, but I think I struggle a lot with any kind of sleep effort. I find it hard to strike a balance between establishing new behaviors that might help and obsessing over whether every little thing I do during the day will negatively or positively impact my sleep. I know deep down it’s all about letting go and I should take comfort in the fact that I’ve gotten through this before, but it’s hard not to feel frustrated when I thought I was past this.

[Chee2308]

Greetings!
Nobody has ever beaten insomnia. For people who “recovered”, they just started caring less, doing less and they stopped fearing poor sleep. This is how you deal with difficult nights, which are completely normal and happens to everyone. It is your obessesion with sleep, unwillingness to experience some poor nights and your frustration at efforts to pressurize sleep to happen that makes you go down the same hole again. When it comes to sleep, just do nothing, modify nothing. Go on your life as usual, enjoy your day and your sleep will get back on track on its own. Best wishes!

[kimbiana]

You’re totally right. I just find there are just so many ups and downs with my mood when I’m experiencing poor sleep – I’ll be super optimistic and feel like it’s not bothering me for a few hours, but then feel worry start to creep back in and start doubting myself. To be honest, I’ve departed from some of the advice and simply stayed in bed when I wasn’t falling asleep quickly because constantly getting in and out of bed tends to annoy me and make me feel worse. Instead I’ve been just trying to enjoy the feeling of resting in the dark with my partner and not getting in my head about it, and that has led to me feeling happier with my night even if I only come away with a little sleep.

[Trish]

Hi Kimbiana & Chee,
Kimbiana, I can totally relate to what you are saying & I feel exactly the same as you when you feel so many ups & downs with your mood. I to can feel very optimistic but then all that optimism plummets when I have another bad night. It’s like a roller coaster ride. I also have been staying in bed & “resting” when I’m not asleep & I don’t feel that it is creating any anxiety around my bed so I will probably keep doing that. I don’t ever sleep in or have naps though.
Chee, thank you once again for always encouraging everyone & stressing the importance of not caring about sleep. As Kimbiana says, you are totally right but for me even though I am practicing acceptance therapy with sleep restriction, I still lose my confidence about ever sleeping well again. Will I eventually sleep well again if I keep on practicing these techniques? Does it take time to truely accept & truely not worry about sleeping poorly? Do I need to be patient & realise that truely reaching this “not caring” stage can vary from person to person & that with persistence, I will get there? I totally understand what you mean by doing nothing but I am struggling with not being obsessed with sleep.
Thank you Kimbiana & Chee
Trish

[Chee2308]

Hello Trish!
Thank you for your kind words. The vocabulary you use still indicates a lot of struggle going on. As I read it, words like “persistent”, “practicing”, “eventually”, “I must do these techniques to sleep!” suggest a lot of impatience and the enormous pressure to put yourself under to “get rid of this thing ASAP”. What about not trying so hard, slowly abandoning all the techniques and not being persistent?? Do this at your own pace, or sometimes accepting that these issues will be here to stay for god knows how long and really giving up the struggle might be useful. That really helps take the pressure off. Try to reestablish the loving relationship with your own bed in your way. It doesn’t have to be sleeping just to enjoy being in bed. I hope this helps and best wishes.

[Trish]

Hi Chee,
You are so right…I need to stop struggling with this, just let it be, be patient & enjoy my nice warm bed during a very cold winter in Australia.

Thank you
Trish

[kimbiana]

Something I read in the post at the top of the “success stories” part of the forum really stuck with me – “the goal is to lessen anxiety, not improve tonight’s sleep.” My problems have not evaporated overnight after reading this but it helped me to remind myself which part of the equation I actually have control over and I’ve seen some improvement over the last few days. Even when I was not having sleep problems, I didn’t have the ability to lie down and command my brain to sleep – so why am I trying for that now? Right now my goal is to be happy with any sleep at all that I am getting, because I have shown myself that I can function even on a day I’ve gotten less than an hour or no sleep and that will only build sleep pressure. And also – I’m realizing that I’m still occasionally sleepy throughout the day even when I’ve slept 7 hours! It’s no guarantee of how good you will feel the next day.

[Chee2308]

Hello Kimbiana,
Great post! Everyone who recovers will most certainly have an “aha” moment like this, when they finally understand the futility of struggling against an uncontrollable element like sleep, which leads them to abandon the struggle and ultimately finding the inner peace within themselves. And that’s really the key to sleeping well where there’s no struggle, no fear, just tranquility.

[Trish]

You are spot on Kimbiana, “ the goal is to lessen anxiety, not to improve tonight’s sleep” & thanks for re-enforcing this Chee. I also find that I function well on only a few hours sleep & can find myself sleepy after a night of 7 hours….haha. Very important to remember this & change your perspective on needing a solid 7 to 8 hours sleep EVERY night.
I now go to bed looking forward to resting with no expectation to sleep & even though I still experience some anxiety, I use acceptance & commitment therapy (ACT) to help with this. It’s early days for me (coming to this realisation) & like you Kimbiana, my sleep problems haven’t evaporated overnight but I think the secret could be a combination of Martin’s sleep restriction & ACT.
Many thanks, Martin, Chee, Kimbiana & SkibearCo.

[Martin Reed]

Personally, I would rephrase “the goal is to lessen anxiety, not improve tonight’s sleep” to something like “the goal is not to fight anxiety, avoid anxiety, or to make sleep happen, but to live the kind of life I want to live even in the presence of anxiety and sleep difficulties”.

Why? Because, just as we can’t control sleep, we can’t control our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When we try to control these things, we are more likely to get caught up in an endless struggle.

What we can control are our actions — and through our actions, we can do things that help us live a rich and meaningful life (or at least move us closer to living a rich and meaningful life) even in the presence of difficult thoughts, feelings, emotions, and nights of less sleep than we’d like.

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If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[flight11]

Normally I don’t have problems with sleep onset due to maintenance of a consistent sleep pressure of 17 hours ( 11 pm in bed, 6 am out of bed). My main problem ( very common ) is sleep maintenance a few hours after falling asleep.
Recently , however, I have been experiencing a strange phenomenon during sleep onset. As I begin to fall asleep I have begun to feel myself slowly fading into unconsciousness. For some reason my brain is alarmed at this and I wake back up. This may repeat itself which obviously results in some anxiety which counteracts getting to sleep. So now I seem to have acquired both sleep onset and sleep maintenance issues. This has resulted in even lower sleep quality and quantity than I had before.
Has anyone experienced this ‘fading out’ phenomenon. Any suggestions as to what can help with this?

[Chee2308]

Hi Flight11
Very common part of the recovery journey! Which typically starts as a fear of unable to fall sleep, then this slowly warps into getting scared when falling asleep too! Isn’t it ironic? First you are scared you can’t fall asleep, now you are scared of falling asleep. Be rational with yourself, isn’t sleeping what you want so why are you stopping it now? Laugh at yourself, think how silly this all is. Then accept it and be patient. Tell yourself it is okay, it’s all part of the journey to sleeping better, you’ve made progress and accepting that this ‘fading out’ can happen several times before you finally doze off as you let go of the struggle. As you slowly get used to them, they should happen less. Best wishes to you.

[Author]

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