[Stu from Saturday]

I’ve never had to post on a forum before looking around it before. And I’ve not slept for I don’t know how long so have no idea what to write or how to write it.

But this sleep deprivation, this insomnia, this is my personal hell. I feel destroyed.

I’ve suffered from clinical depression in the past. I’ve had two breakdowns. I was signed off with work related stress before it was really even in the public eye. This, though, is a thousand times worse. This is torture. I beat all that other stuff in the end…but this doesn’t even seem like something that can be beaten.

I’m sick of my burning eyes, of the six pm slump that feels like I’ve been hit with a hammer, of the headaches and the never ending scream of tinnitus.

I feel so sad, desperate, ill, lost, and despite being in this poxy lockdown with my wife and son I feel SO alone.

Unless, perhaps, on here, I’m not.

Here’s hoping.

Stu

[Scott]

Hey Stu!

Welcome! Can you describe what your sleep is like at the current time — what is an average night like? Have you experienced any stressful events in your life recently that could’ve triggered the sleep disruption?

If you can provide some specifics, maybe we could troubleshoot it for you.

Scott J

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[Chee2308]

Hello Stu

I am so sorry you are going through a rough patch now. Sometimes it is the struggle with sleeplessness that is making it worse. Indeed that was the case with me and I now consider myself recovered and no longer having insomnia. I realise during my recovery that it was my struggle with sleep that were making the symptoms worse, like being lethargic, nervous, scared and having physical symptoms like you described, all day. I got involuntary muscle twitches very frequently too. When night time came around, I would get very nervous and of course, I then couldn’t get any sleep. These symptoms are very common with people who are struggling mentally and physically with something that just doesn’t respond to any type of effort, mental and physical. A mental struggle can be as exhausting as a physical one. I eventually got better once I gave up the struggle. Being okay with not sleeping and not caring how I slept for a particular night. Be friends with wakefulness because being awake is not a threat and you have simply conditioned your mind into perceiving it is a some sort of danger that needs immediate addressing. So you need to work on that aspect. Other things that helped include only going to bed when sleepy, for me that’s being awake for at least 16-18 hours, having no expectation of sleeping (in other words, not being attached with the outcome and lying in bed resting can be as comforting) and the more I gave up on sleeping, the faster, better and longer I slept. That is basically it. Sleep is natural and effortless, not a struggle. Don’t treat like going to bed as if going to battle or going to an exam hall to take a test. There is nothing to learn or fight against when it comes to sleeping. There are no prizes to be won for winning the “battle” or passing the “exam”. It is just something every human being is naturally good at. Sleeping!

[Stu from Saturday]

Thank you for the welcoming replies, I really appreciate that.

In terms of recent stress, my father in law passed away at the start of November. Long story short this actually led to me being unable to start a new job, screwed Christmas somewhat, and meant I missed out on a trip I’d planned (and I lost the money on). Although if I’m honest, I don’t truly believe this is the root (or sole) cause.

My wife is an incredibly light sleeper, and also someone who has never really respected that I am not. I own the fact I should have said something to her before now but I really feel this is my trigger.

I got a CPAP machine around 4 years ago and it is amazing, the benefits are huge. However, after a while she would always wake me if I rolled to face her as the mask annoyed her. A year or so later she would wake me if I was on my back as sometimes it would slip and become noisy. So I was left with one single position (I realise I sound like a doormat here, I’m not, but I was raised by a narcissist and a shamer so I struggle to stand up for myself at times), and just around the time of my father in law passing my wife woke me with a huge strop to tell me, with a poor but uncharacteristic choice of words that my “breathing is really annoying”. The mask was losing its grip in the night and needed replacing, but I was effectively hearing that I was no longer to breathe.

Since then, despite replacing the mask, I can get SO CLOSE to dozing off…but something pulls me back every single time. I just cannot crack it. It’s like I’m terrified of being woken (for me being woken up is like snatching food from a hungry person, it’s evil), or I’m scared of waking her…but on a subconscious level. We have spoken about it and she is no ogre, if the mask makes noise again she will go to the spare room. But I’ve let this go so long now that I don’t know if I’m capable of “not caring” enough to actually fall asleep. There is some alarm now in my brain that will not let go.

If I’m almost there and she makes any sort of movement or noise I am bolt awake again. It’s awful.

I mean it happens. I get an hour, two, three at the most, sometimes. But the days… yesterday was worse than any day I’ve ever had under the cloud of depression. Last week at one point I thought I was losing my mind. I cannot emphasize enough how scary that was.

I can honestly say I really don’t worry so much about the not sleeping…but I cannot, ever, get to that level of borderline psychosis again, the thought of that absolutely terrifies me, and that in itself is my “battle”.

Today doesn’t feel so bad actually, “all” I have are the tinnitus and a slight groggy feeling.

Thank you again for the replies and kindness.

[Stu from Saturday]

Hey,

Further to the above, last night I couldn’t sleep because I was scared of the noises in the house.

The last time I had that issue was over 30 years ago as a child.

I have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

[Martin Reed]

It sounds as though heightened arousal might be making sleep more difficult for you, Stu. This arousal can take a number of forms, the three most prominent forms being:

1. Cognitive arousal (eg thinking/worrying about sleep, monitoring for sleep)
2. Physiological arousal (eg racing heart, cold sweats, etc)
3. Conditioned arousal (we can learn to associate our bed with wakefulness)

So, it might be helpful to see if we can help lower any arousal that might be present.

Often, a good place to start is building sleep drive (this can also help overpower arousal) and reducing the amount of time available for prolonged nighttime wakefulness by allotting an appropriate amount of time for sleep.

At what time do you usually go to bed at night, and when do you usually get out of bed to start your day in the morning?

You might also find it helpful to get out of bed and do something a little bit more enjoyable whenever being in bed feels unpleasant. This helps make nighttime wakefulness a bit more pleasant and prevents you from reinforcing a negative association between the bed and unpleasant wakefulness (conditioned arousal).

Do you ever have issues with waking during the night and finding it hard to fall back to sleep, or is your biggest challenge at the current time just falling asleep when you first get into bed?

I will end this post by emphasizing that nobody here (myself included) is qualified to assist with depression or psychosis since they require medical intervention.

I hope this helps.

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[Stu from Saturday]

Thank you for your reply Martin, and also for your emails; they are superb and genuinely appreciated.

I’m also totally aware of the caveat you mention.

For the last week or so I’ve had my alarm wake me at 0630 every day. And I go to bed “when I’m tired”. This used to be around 10-11pm, but now, based on advice, I’m not going until I’m PROPERLY tired, ready to fall asleep on the sofa, which seems to be getting later by the day for some reason and is now 0140.

I don’t struggle once I’m asleep. But it’s that actual getting to sleep. I can even sometimes feel myself in that dreamy zone when drifting off, and suddenly some sobering worries charge in like soldiers and deliberately wreck it. Honestly it’s like my mind has an internal saboteur.

The getting up idea…that just worries me more. I don’t know what I would do. Reading would hurt my head I think and the whole time I would be really worried I’d never feel tired again that night. And my described experience of the result of several nights of that, I’m terrified of that happening again. I’d rather lie there silent and try to relax at least (though I know this goes against your advice).

[Lauren21]

Stu, I totally understand this; it’s such a nightmare. I can also sometimes sense myself falling into light sleep, only to have my mind jolt me right back out of it. Sometimes with a physical reaction or jerk. Internal saboteur is so accurate!

My partner is a very good sleeper but snores occasionally. However, he has the BEST/WORST timing ever as, often, I’ll start to drift a little then he’ll roll over or snore just as I’m relaxing and suddenly I’m awake and irritated again! Then I become jealous because he just falls back to sleep right away.

Unfortunately I don’t have any amazing advice, just wanted to say you’re not alone.

[Phsu]

Hi Stu,

I am struggling with anxiety and falling asleep at the moment and just wanted to also say you are not alone.

Currently i sleep in the living room because my insomnia was affecting my wife because she would be afraid of moving and waking me and vice-versa.
This way at least one of us can sleep well.

[Author]

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