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- April 23, 2021 at 6:35 pm #40905
So I tried once again to ditch alcohol, which resulted in another night of no sleep. I expected this, but am still a little disappointed. I rode a bicycle for three hours, had just one coffee in the morning, and generally spent a lot of time outdoors.
I went to bed at a reasonable time, and there are no obligations tomorrow.
I got out of bed, did some reading, got a little sleepy, went back to bed, but my fixation with sleep is just too big. Like I’ve said in the past, I don’t really fall asleep, I have to literally PASS OUT.
So I guess the answer is to try again the next night, and that the sleep drive has to prevail in the end? I hope so. I am just so afraid of those horror stories, days on end of no sleep, hallucinations and even psychoses.
It’s just that when I TRY to fall asleep, it backfires, and when I start to get sleepy my brain still doesn’t let me.
I feel like I will end up needing propofol like Michael Jackson.
It’s like I have OCD, anxiety and general insomnia. In fact, I’m nit even sure I have insomnia, maybe just the first two, overfixation with insomnia and anxiety around it.
If I just had plain insomnia, I would be able to nap, I would be able to get out of bed, do something else, get sleepy and fall asleep. This overfixation with sleep is far worse. Like Chee said, my feeling that I MUST sleep at any cost is costing me sleep.
God, it’s so hard.
I can try the free two week course, but I feel it’s for insomniacs, not neurotics like me. I don’t know?April 25, 2021 at 10:26 pm #40921
As I read your post, I wonder if you ever felt true and pure sleepiness? I have and when I get it, there’s no space inside my head for anxiety, worry, hyperarousal or whatever; the craving for sleep is so intense and I just want to sleep and that’s it. Maybe your frequent alcohol binges to knock yourself out has made you forgotten what it really feels like to be extremely sleepy. Yawning endlessly doesn’t cut it. I think you have conditioned yourself to be this way after years of trying to control sleep and not letting your body decide when it wants to. You know what, have zero rules, go to bed when extremely sleepy and get out whenever you feel like you’ve got enough. My cats do this and seem happy. Nobody is making this any difficult than it has to other than yourself trying to actively interfere in a core biological process.April 28, 2021 at 5:56 am #40945
Yeah, I am definitely prone to conditioning. Though, isn’t every insomniac kinda like that.
As for true sleepy, I don’t know, the line used to be quite clear. Sleepy at night, and fatigued during the day when I don’t get enough sleep.
I used to be the regular run-of-the-mill kind of insomniac. A bad night leads to overthinking and anxiety, ruins the next few nights until things return to normal. Now with this early morning awakening, I don’t know what I am anymore.
I have tried going back to no rules, and I will try again soon, but it isn’t easy. Being fully awake at times for 40+ hours with no naps or snoozes is literally torture.
There are a lot of issues here, I know. Some anxiety, some OCD, some insomnia. My only wish at this point is the right therapy, a safer alternative to booze, but since a psychologist is out of the picture it will have to be back to no rules, that is the only way. Time will tell.
Thanks for your patience and responses.April 28, 2021 at 10:33 am #40951
@edgar – welcome to the club. Struggling with OCD around sleep anxiety.
Check out OCD recovery – website, youtube, instagram, facebook.
All the best
ManfredMay 2, 2021 at 1:25 am #40986