[Retrofire]

My name is Jared.

Around ~9 months ago, something* transpired – seemingly a development of long-standing intractable medical issues; but, unlike the residual effects of all that incredible pain, this issue finally broke me: Severe Insomnia.

My sleep has slowly been getting more impaired month-by-month, I am now able to sleep for ~2 hours at a time, usually for a total of 3 round, so 6 hours per night.

I believe there are multiple things prohibiting me from sleeping:

* Fear [Nightmares]
* Non-stop Anxiety
* “Survival Mode” 24/7
* Breathing Obstruction [via sinusitis + reflux + structural malformations]
* GERD/LPR
* Nerve Pinch [Arm going numb]
* Spinal/Cervical Issues
* Urinary Frequency [Pelvic Floor Issues]
* Tempero-mandibular Joint Dysfunction

I was playing this beautiful little game called “Figment” – I highly, highly recommend it to anyone feeling lost in reality… feeling like they lost themselves.

What seems to be impairing my progress is a few things… The fear and anxiety has created this massive preoccupation with my sleep all-day, everyday – I believe this is making things significantly worse. In this little game the protagonist finds these little imaginary houses embodying different parts of the distressed mind: NERVES, NOSTALGIA, etc. The player’s adversary is this “Nightmare” caricature. He tells the player “you will never resolve this malady, for you mind is mine”.

That is how I often feel… This insidious disease that has been eating away at me since adolescence. When I was a kid, and this stuff was starting, I told my parents with sincerity “I don’t believe I will live until 25”. It seemed awfully poetic that all of this is happening to me at age 23. I hope I am not running out of time… It has been demoralizing to see my body slowly being worn down over the months… and, it is hard to stay relaxed and optimistic, I acknowledge this is necessary, though.

What seems to be handicapping my progress towards an intervention is my own paranoia about the world… I was instructed to get an MRI of my cranium ~9 months ago – when all this started. I was traumatized by a lot of medical experiences in my youth, it took me until very recently to garner the trust to receive a sleep study and upper endoscopy. Both of which inconclusive, the sleep study just demonstrating the airway resistance symptoms via snoring, but no O2 drops aka apnea.

I know* that the pelvic issues are directly related because when they tense up [sitting for prolonged periods], my nasal passages constrict, and my breathing is obstructed. I know* that the TMD is directly related because when I bite into something hard, my nasal passages almost completely close. I know* that the stomach problems are related because even before this new nightmarish phase I awoke sometimes [very occasionally] to stomach pain. I know* that the Hydra of sorts behind much of this is my perpetual anxiety. Every night, I start having a panic attack. It actually begins in the morning, now. I am 100% perpetually tensing up these muscles – and therefore have become the arbiter of my own destruction.

I have a wisdom tooth infection, but cannot extract it because of the TMD issues… It seems like I live in this nightmarish state where death is around potentially any corner.. it is a horrible way to live.

I need* imaging performed – but I am absolutely mortified of getting it because of that paranoia. My nasal passages are boned 24/7, my breathing is seriously obstructed even during day-time. I wake up to my nostrils being almost completely obstructed each time. It takes at least ~30 minutes for them to clear a little bit so I can breathe again. Other times I awaken to my arm(s) being numb. Sometimes I awaken to neither – but rather a nightmare. Usually nightmares, lately. Usually after nightmares my entire body feels like it got hit with a blunt force object repeatedly – it is hard to not walk like a hunch back.

A few days ago for some inexplicable reason I was able to sleep for ~5 hours almost uninterrupted, and then another ~7 hours. I awoke the next day to another panic attack… Feeling like, this is some kind of fuckin’ trick. I tell my father “I don’t want to get my hopes up”. I think it might (?) have been this anti-histamine / anti-depressant called Doxepin that I tried. And naturally, I am too afraid to try it again. But maybe, just maybe, it helped.

The most effective strategy I have found thus far is as followed: “Get Active, Get Out of Your Head”. I lay down, I stop thinking [previously an irrational fear of mine], these two seem effective of at least allowing me to get to sleep, but the real problem resides with staying* asleep, because of all these uncontrolled medical problems which I am seemingly having trouble addressing – both because of mental illness and also financial constraints towards seeking treatment.

I want to live. I didn’t mean what I said a few days ago… I don’t want to kill myself. I want to survive.

[Martin Reed]

When you make yourself stop thinking, are you able to stop all thoughts permanently, or do they end up coming back at some point?

The good news is that none of the things you listed prohibit sleep from happening. What can make sleep a lot more difficult is trying to make it happen. Engaging in a battle, trying to fight or avoid nighttime wakefulness and any of the thoughts and feelings that might come with it.

I wonder whether moving away from the struggle might help not only free up some energy (so you might be better able to do things that matter to you) but also expand your focus so even when all the difficult stuff you described is present, it’s no longer the only thing you can see? Do you feel there might be any value in that kind of an approach?

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[Retrofire]

Hey mate, thanks.. I appreciate the forum you put together here – it gives me hope. And your advice is spot-on. I feel like the only times I sleep OK are the days when I distract myself from my medical situation and focus on something else for even a few minutes. So, in that respect this is sounding a lot like an extreme manifestation of OCD.. which I have had since I was a little kid. I literally never think about anything except “my situation”. I step outside of this world and the vail lifts, many of the medical issues get significantly better too. i guess i need to fight my own mind

Thank you.

• This reply was modified 1 years, 8 months ago by Retrofire.

[Martin Reed]

You’re welcome — I think there are always insights to be gained from our own experience, no matter how difficult (or seemingly unhelpful) that experience might be!

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[Author]

Posts