[Sahara]

Hi Amy

I found your post(s) very enjoyable. I love the honesty, I too don't censor much. Most of us here at InsmoniaLand, I think, have more than just insomnia going on. Chicken or egg….who knows? but reading others stories, especially uncensored!, is helpful. Welcome and good luck!

The self loathing mind chatter I can relate to. this is the kinda weird? and maybe humorous? way I cured that….it had been going on for probably 10 years and accelerated to the point if my mind wasn't busy, these horrible words would pop into my head. I realized they were things my Father had said when I was little, very critical and demoralizing things, like 'you are so stupid, useless, etc' Since he had passed away years earlier, I wrote a letter telling him this was his fault and I wanted it to end. We had actually healed our relationship and were very close, the last 10 yrs of his life. But I didn't acknowledge these deep buried memories then, so couldn't address them in person. Then a friend told me of a Medium she had seen who was really remarkable.(yup, the “I see dead people” type!) Now, this friend is the biggest skeptic going, but the things she was told and she related to me, well I thought 'what the heck?' I finally got to see this medium, who's name is Joy, yup her real name. The room was 'filled' with so many of my passed family & associates and there was my Dad. She said shuffling his feet and not meeting her eye, very shamefaced. So we had it out. I relayed through her to him that all those things he had said were now on an endless tape in my head and literally driving me crazy. He had to fix it since no one and nothing else seemed to fix it. He was very humbled and apologetic. If he had known what he did then would have affected me now, if he had known better he would have done better. He told Joy about the letter I had written to him. I guess this is a good place to insert, Joy knew nothing about me except my first name and telephone nbr. Anyways, it was the best 'therapy session' I'd ever had. All of the others 'present' just poured on love and told me positive things I had done for them and others. Things I had forgotten about.I came out and the 'tape' had stopped, and is still stopped 6 years after.

Quite unconventional, I know, but that part of me is healed. The rest is still messed up, but without the endless nattering, I handle life better.

[MarinaFournier]

'Sahara' wrote on '13:

I guess this is a good place to insert, Joy knew nothing about me except my first name and telephone nbr. Anyways, it was the best 'therapy session' I'd ever had. All of the others 'present' just poured on love and told me positive things I had done for them and others. Things I had forgotten about.I came out and the 'tape' had stopped, and is still stopped 6 years after.

Quite unconventional, I know, but that part of me is healed. The rest is still messed up, but without the endless nattering, I handle life better.

Don't care about the unconventionality, just glad the tape is gone. I haven't heard my IBSC, save briefly, in a while, and I'm glad.

[Sahara]

Marina, I love the term 'ittybittyshittycommittee'! That is a great description, and I am well rid of it! I used to think I was the only one that had this non stop monologue going on in my brain. But being the 'open' sort that i am, the more ordinary people I talk to about it, it's surprising there are others with IBSC. Not a lot, but a few. thanks and I am glad for you that yours has shut up too.

[MarinaFournier]

'Sahara' wrote on '14:

Marina, I love the term 'ittybittyshittycommittee'! That is a great description, and I am well rid of it! I used to think I was the only one that had this non stop monologue going on in my brain. But being the 'open' sort that i am, the more ordinary people I talk to about it, it's surprising there are others with IBSC. Not a lot, but a few. thanks and I am glad for you that yours has shut up too.

I got it from a college friend–have no idea where she got it, but that awful chorus on nattering naysayers (ska the nattering nabobs of negativity, if anyone remembers that statement from the 70s) that strip you of any confidence you may have in yourself is perfectly captured in that phrase.

My MiL doesn't seem to have it. She just started some anti-depressant, after she'd been getting more and more depressed, and then wanted to rip her watercolor students, all very nice women, a new one. In less than three weeks, she's come back to the woman I first met days before my wedding. She's finally working on some portraits started about four years ago, a year before her husband's death from chronic heart fatigue.

Someone told her the other day that she had her sparkle back, and a few weeks ago, someone I don't see often looked at me and said, “You're happy!” I'm working on joy. It is sometimes difficult for bipolars to tell what is “actual, real” joy and what is a hypomania.

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