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Hello, I started to have some difficulties falling asleep a few months after my son was born (he is now 11 months old).
I have never been an amazing sleeper in my life, 6 hours of sleep have always been enough for me to feel rested during the day and it happened a few times to have some trouble falling asleep in the past, but it was only for brief periods of time.This time, I developed a strong anxiety around sleep because of my son wakefulness, and started to have issues falling asleep even when he is sleeping. It all started in January, when he was 5 months old, basically every 2/3 weeks I had a night where I couldn’t fall asleep for hours, but then I usually got back on track for the following couple of weeks, then another bad night came, and so on.
In the last month tough, it is happening way more frequently, I just had 3 very difficult nights in a row.
I start to think that if I don’t sleep, I will not be able to function during the day, I will not be able to take care of my son, I will not be able to work, I will get ill since everyone says sleep it’s so important, and of course this only make things worse.
I am doing therapy since anxiety kicked in in January, but with my therapist we are more focusing on finding the roots of my anxiety in general rather than cognitive behavioral therapy so far.
During these months, I actually noticed that I was still able to function and take care of my son after rough nights, but the fear doesn’t go away, and the fact that the frequency of rough nights is increasing make me think that from now on, every night will be bad and I will feel miserable.
On top of my issues, my son is still waking a few times per night and I am still breastfeeding, so it’s still not easy to sleep even when I actually manage to fall asleep.
I listened to some of Martin’s video and to some of the podcast and find it helpful, but my obession on sleep doesn’t seem to go away. Also, the idea of getting out of the bed when I can’t fall asleep makes me feel even more anxious.
I am of course in a vicious cycle I can’t break, and I am so scared this will be my life forever.Pre and postnatal insomnia is really common so your story is relatable… If you go to the success stories section you will find plenty of mums who suffered like you did and are doing extremely well now like Cindy, who is a mother AND a musician, and she has plenty of insights to offer to new mums like you. For a lot of these stories, the underlying message is always the same: Don’t react, focus on your daily tasks and keeping your spirits up. As you journey through this, you will begin learning that your fears are way overblown, your insomnia can’t continue indefinitely, the longer you stay awake, the stronger your sleep drive gets, and that it is impossible to circumvent this despite your anxieties and worries. Worrying over it unnecessarily just makes it worse and will prolong your suffering, but YOU WILL ALWAYS GET THE MINIMUM SLEEP YOU NEED TO SURVIVE REGARDLESS OF ANY SITUATION. Good luck and congratulations on being a parent.
Welcome to the forum, @chicca001 — you are not alone!
Reading your post, it sounds as though you have one of those very vigilant minds that is working really hard to look out for you. As it does that job (which it takes very seriously), it’s generating a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings in an effort to keep you safe and help you do what matters.
If your mind sees sleep as something that might stop you from taking care of your son (something that is, of course, very important to you) it’s going to generate a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings in relation to that (such as fear, anxiety, worry, etc).
It sounds as though you have realized that even after difficult nights, you can still take care of your son — that the thoughts and stories your mind generates might not always be 100% true or 100% accurate. That’s a big insight since it suggests that perhaps those thoughts and feelings don’t need to be gotten rid of since they’re snippets of ideas rather than facts or things that stop you from acting in a certain way.
So, with that in mind, perhaps what might be making sleep (and those difficult thoughts and feelings) more difficult might be all the effort to fight or avoid all this difficult stuff?
Does your experience tell you that trying to get rid of certain thoughts and feelings is a workable strategy? Have you found a way of permanently deleting certain thoughts and feelings from your mind or do they always seem to come back anyway, regardless of how hard you try to fight or avoid them?
What might things be like with less struggle and less battling? If, instead of trying to fight or avoid certain thoughts and feelings and instead of trying to fight or avoid nighttime wakefulness, you were able to be more of an observer of those things?
With less of a struggle, perhaps you might free up more energy and attention to do more of the things that matter — and, as you do that, perhaps all this difficult stuff might lose some of its power and influence.
Is there anything useful here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thank you both for your answers. It all rationally makes sense – and during the day I try to stay positive and enjoy the good things happening even after bad nights, but then at night it is still sometimes very hard.
I try to tell myself that even if I am not sleeping, I am still resting and building sleep drive that could lead to better sleep in the next nights, and that the day after I will still be able to function even if not at my best, but anxiety still kicks in during some nights.
It sure doesn’t help that my son is still waking a few times per night because this strengthen my anxiety – and also, I am really focused on the thought that by having this problem, I wouldn’t be able to have another child, to cope with the first months of a baby’s life where the nights could be really really hard and this makes my anxiety worse, because I really want a second child and I am afraid that this ‘condition’ will affect the decision of another pregnancy.Another thing not really helping is that my husband comes to bed later than me and sometimes I find myself ‘waiting’ for him in bed and I can’t relax until he comes to bed. I dont want to force him to come to bed earlier, he actually goes to sleep at our ‘usual’ time (around midnight), but I started to go to bed earlier since my son was born (even before my insomnia issues)
Hello Chicca!
It’s assuring to note that as human beings, it’s perfectly normal to worry about anything and that outcomes in life won’t always go your way no matter how hard you try. Give yourself the permission to experience worry, anxiety or any unpleasant feelings, tell yourself that it’s okay and nothing to be ashamed about. Keep reminding yourself like this, “Yes, I am now experiencing anxiety, worry or whatever, but that doesn’t mean I cannot continue to do the things I love or be the person that I want.” Then try to put it behind you and proceed as usual. Such feelings tend to come and go.
In regards to your sleep, it is entirely in a league of its own, it is independent of your worries and everything else that’s going on in your life, so investing too much time and energy into it isn’t worth it. If you can’t sleep in bed while your husband is still awake, well why couldn’t you just get up and spend some time together? Watch a movie, have a chat or do something enjoyable together. Don’t wait for sleep, let it wait for you! Good luck.
Hello, I had 9 nights of quite good sleep (I went on vacation with my husband and my son), but then the last two nights have been horrible.
It feels like I can’t stop my mind form racing, when I am not able to fall asleep immediately.
I start to think that if I don’t sleep, I will not be able to function during the day. Then I remember that I functioned normally after rough nights, but in those nights I slept at least a few hours, and that if I sleep zero hours then I will really not be able to function.
How do you let these feelings go?Not easy to answer your question, but I will only say one word: Desensitization. And over time. People just get used to it. Your days will go on regardless of what you feel or think about anything. How do you know you WILL have nights of zero sleep anyway?? So if you are not sure, why even bother to worry now? IT STILL HASN’T HAPPENED YET! OR MIGHT NEVER EVEN HAPPEN. Couldn’t you only begin to worry when it actually does happen? No matter the situation, your body will always give you the minimum rest you need, so worrying about future outcomes beyond your control is pretty much pointless
It sounds as though your experience is telling you that for as long as you try to control your sleep or try to control what you think and how you feel, you end up getting tangled up in a struggle that makes things more difficult.
Would you say that’s the case? If so, perhaps a different approach might be helpful if you want things to be different? Perhaps trying to control what your experience tells you cannot be controlled is the real struggle here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
You are absolutely right, thank you Martin and Chee.
It’s really not easy at all. I am so scared of not enjoying my son because of how I feel after rough nights and I feel so bad about it, I love him so much I just want to be able to enjoy life 100% with him and my husband!Sleep doesn’t define who you are or what you are capable of. The moment you give in into a mental bully like insomnia is the moment you lose because you would have allowed it to completely take over your life
You’re right — it is not easy! You might not always enjoy being with your son as much when things feel difficult, but you can still be there for him and act toward him in ways that are important to you. And that’s what matters.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Just a little update, I have been on vacation at the mountains with my husband and son and slept ok all week – now we are at my parents’ house at the seaside (they are kind of an anxiety trigger for me, I talk a lot about them in therapy) and have been sleeping really badly the last 3 nights. It takes hours to fall asleep even if I feel sleepy when I go to bed and it’s so frustrating. I am always trying to tell myself that it’s ok to just rest, that I don’t need to sleep immediately but when I am the only one awake in the house I feel really lonely and I start to worry so much. I can’t seem to get in the correct mindset.
I keep living life as usual, yesterday night we went out for dinner with my parents and I was very tired, when we got home my eyes were closing while I was in bed helping my son to fall asleep, then once I turned off the lights I was awake again. I am really afraid that this condition will be forever.
I am thinking about enrolling in Martin’s course but just the idea of sleep restriction and stimulus control make me super anxious.Also, we are here at their house all together until next Monday, then my husband it’s supposed to go home alone because he needs to go to the office while I would stay here with my son and my parents since daycare is still closed for summer, working from their house for 5 days more while my parents look after my son.
It would be the first time since my son was born and insomnia started, that I sleep without my husband. The thought makes me really anxious now that I slept bad in the last 3 nights. Should I still try to stay here with them?
I know this problem sounds stupid, I would like to try because I know I will have to sleep without him eventually. But I am scared I will not sleep at all for the 5 days.Hi chicca001, I don’t have much advice for you but I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I have a three year old and a 1 year old and developed insomnia while pregnant with my 1 year old. I got better for about a year and a half then had a relapse really recently. I’ll have a string of great nights, then a bad night that derails me. Last night I got about two hours of sleep, which of course was awful. I have the exact same intrusive thoughts as you—that I won’t sleep and then I won’t be able to function enough to take care of my son. What I will say is that I do think this is a process and takes time. It’s not easy to change your thoughts or not even change them but learn to accept them and to accept whatever happens regarding sleep. That’s what I’m trying to keep telling myself: that this will take time, that it won’t be an overnight success. I wouldn’t change your plans because right now you’re wanting to act out of fear and as hard as it is not to give into that impulse I think it’s important we don’t let sleep dictate how we act. Which I know is much easier said than done. Things will get better and this will not last forever, but I know that’s hard to believe when you’re in the thick of it.
Thank you teekaye, it means a lot knowing that other people are feeling the same as me, especially a mom.
I feel very lonely because no one around me seems to have sleep issues.
It’s really hard to cope with the thoughts and I am also afraid this will ruin the relationship with my husband because I realise I always talk about my sleep issues.
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