[DrewPotts]

For as long as I can remember, I have been terrified of insomnia. I can vividly recall nights when I was only 11 years old laying awake in bed and thinking to myself, “everyone in my class is asleep right now, I am up alone… I will never be able to function tomorrow and I will be miserable.” After going through puberty, many of these more neurotic anxieties were replaced by the ubiquitous worries of a teenage boy. Still, even as a teenager and then a college student, I never pulled an all-nighter because of my fear of insomnia. I thought that if I pulled all-nighters I would lose my ability to sleep.

I’m 24 years old now and I finished my first year of grad-school a month and a half ago. I was getting ready to start a new internship when I had a bad night where I laid in bed for 9-10 hours and could not sleep. The next day, my anxiety was through the roof as I had done something for that I had always avoided out of fear… stay up all night. I stayed in bed most of the next day just thinking about how badly I needed sleep. I called out of my internship and found myself slowly engulfed by anxiety. As the next night approached, I was genuinely afraid that I would not fall asleep again. I took Zzzquil, Melatonin, Valarian root and drank a few beers to try to induce sleep and to my chagrin, sleep once again eluded me.

As this was my third night in a row without sleep, I went to a psychiatrist and told him that I believed I was losing my mind. I felt like a zombie and was stuck in this perpetual state of worry about not being able to sleep at night. He informed me that his goal was to get me to sleep tonight so that some of the anxiety from the days of wakefulness would begin to dissipate. He prescribed me Seroquel and told me that one should do the trick. A large part of me wanted to take a benzodiazepine, as I knew that it would knock me out because it would take care of the anxiety about insomnia that was leading to the sleepless nights. However, my psychiatrist and I agreed it was best to avoid the benzos and non-benzos like Ambien or Lunesta because of my addictive personality.

Anyway, I took the Seroquel and laid down that night. The Seroquel made me exhausted but it did not slow down my racing mind or my heart that was also moving at an ungodly pace. Consequently, my worst fears were realized and I did not sleep again. I felt hopeless, lost, scared, and borderline suicidal.

The next month was what I can only describe as a living hell. Night after night laying in bed wondering whether I would sleep or not. Day after day neglecting my work, friends, and family because I was consumed by thinking about what the night would bring.

While I am by no means all better now, the anxiety that was so acute has lessened and I do not spend my days consumed by worry about sleep any longer. After bad nights, I tend to sleep better the next night. I have gotten to a point where I simply do not care anymore. No matter how tired I am, I force myself to get up, workout, perform at my job, and go out with my friends. For me, this outlook has made all the difference. While I cannot assure that I will get a good nights sleep, I take solace in the opportunity to climb into my bed after a long day and rest my body. Also, while laying in bed all night may be a “tragedy” laying in bed consumed by sleep anxiety all night is “hell.” I have found that accepting the “tragedy” but avoiding the “hell” is all I need to continue to live a vibrant, and fulfilling life.

My biggest takeaway: let go, allow yourself to feel the pain and the anxiety, accept it and realize you can’t tyrannize your mind. The more you try to force yourself to be calm or to not think about sleep, the more your mind will resist. While you may not be able to control your thoughts or emotions, you can control how you respond. Things WILL get better.

I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this long rant. I hope it provides some small help.

[Histiocytosis]

Great post..you are doing the main thing which I believe is living your life the next day after a crappy night. I too have been awake nights worried about how I would function the next day. Actually I did more the next day. I work at a physical job and never took a day of from being tired. I socialize and don,t go to bed early to make up for the previous short night. You get the idea. Just writing about your experiences must have felt cathartic for you. Take care.

[Vakerue]

I have mostly accepted that most nights I won’t get *much* sleep, but I still live in fear that some night I won’t get *any* sleep, and I think that contributes to my continued insomnia—because I haven’t fully let go of the fear. It’s really hard to internalize that a night of no sleep won’t be the end of the world…even though I’ve actually survived some sleepless nights (fueled by stimulants) without much adverse effect! Thanks for sharing your story and reminding us that attitude is everything.

[Martin Reed]

Thanks for sharing that big insight:

Allow yourself to feel the pain and the anxiety, accept it and realize you can’t tyrannize your mind. The more you try to force yourself to be calm or to not think about sleep, the more your mind will resist. While you may not be able to control your thoughts or emotions, you can control how you respond.

We don’t need to let go of fear — because the brain’s default position is usually to generate fear and to focus on the worst possible outcome (regardless of accuracy or likelihood). What can be helpful is accepting and acknowledging fear rather than trying to fight or suppress it!

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The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

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