The struggle is real — your situation is difficult but not unique or unusual. You are not broken, it just sounds as though you might be a bit stuck!
It sounds as though you have learned from experience that trying to control sleep, trying to make sleep happen, trying to get rid of wakefulness, and trying to fight or avoid certain thoughts and feelings hasn’t led to a permanent improvement.
I wonder if this suggests that all of this stuff is out of your control and so all your attempts to control what cannot be controlled might be the source of a lot of struggle?
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