[Tommy ToXen]

Well thing is I've suffered from Insomnia since 13, so for 14 years, and, I really don't know when I started suffering from depression, I didn't have the best of childhoods so I COULD have suffered from it before, or, the depression could have been caused by the insomnia. Once we figure out which caused which I'll be fine, cos at the moment they're sort of “carpet bombing” my symptoms with generalized sedatives/anti-depressants and painkillers just to supress them while waiting for specialist input.

Before, I'd go 2 days max, and then just drop. But after the coma, I'll lay down when absolutely knackered, and, I guess I do drop off, cos I often listen to music when going to sleep, and I've noticed a few times now that tracks just seem to 'skip', like I'm laid there, just daydreaming and thinking, and before I know it the playlist is 3 or 4 songs down. So I think the episodes I'm having are my body's way of coping, even though they're just a few seconds to a few minutes long, seems to be keeping me going. But that's just it, 2 or 3 songs down, so, 10 minutes max. And then I'm up again and can't sleep, no matter how tired I am. Then the day after, I'll be super active, and just need to fiddle or do something. I'm not sure if it coexists, because, I don't FEEL like doing it, it's more, I'm OBLIGATED to do it, like, i HAVE to do it, have to keep moving, keep fiddling, to keep my mind focused, otherwise the boredem alone would re-trigger the depression.

Tomorrow night, I'll crash, I know it, it's usually how it goes. 2-3 days. Last night I was knackered, but couldn't fall asleep, so I KNEW I was in for another day of restlessness, but, it does cheer me up in a weird way cos that way I at least know tomorrow I'll fall asleep for a few hours.

Hopefully they'll sort this out at the sleep clinic. But, like I said, it's been so many years, it's just hard to tell where the insomnia came from, whether it's a symptom of depression, or the cause of depression, cos I've never gotten help 'til March. Bottled it all up. But since January I went on a self-destructive bender, until March when I went too far.

The good thing is I'm getting help and my behaviour is less irratic and I'm in more control of myself. See, the no sleep, I can handle, it's the headaches and the boredem that drives me potty, so, that leads me to drink.. and other things.. and then that also contributes to the insomnia, which contributes to the depression, and so the cycle goes on and on and on for 14 years. So you can see why in March it just got to the point where I thought oh stuff this.

I'm seeing my GP next Friday, so hopefully he'd have sorted referral to specialist out by then and I can finally be fixed for good, I'm hoping on it anyway. Cos, another thing that contributes to it, the boredem and insomnia, is I'm not allowed to work at the moment, I'm on a med4, I'm not even allowed to handle my own meds i'm a blooming prisoner. Not allowed to work, go out for too long on my own, owt. But now I'm back on my feet and thinking straight and in control of my behaviour again, I'm hoping the GP will say I'm OK to work Friday and my mum'll cut me some slack and understand I gotta go back to work. Cos, it might be the case that a good day's work will rejuvinate my mind and senses and help me, cos then I won't be so bored, and thinking myself into a deep stupor which spirals into depression.

Sorry for blabbing, got a bit too into opening up there >.> almost 3 AM now, I get worse as the night goes on LOL

[Snowangels11]

No need to apologize – that's what boards like this are here for. And having suffered a few episodes of situational and clinical depression myself, I do understand (though everyone's misery is different). I'm (sort of?) lucky that my clinical depression is worsened by my health problems which throw off hormones, and then throw off brain chemicals. So I do have a way of working it out just by diet. Wish it were that easy for some of the people I know who do suffer.

But just to throw it out there since you mentioned headaches, there are so many things that could be causing severe insomnia w/depression outside of brain chemicals. At one time I did have headaches frequently because of my pituitary tumor. Pit tumors can throw out numerous excess hormones – cortisol, thyroid hormone, growth hormone – that can cause those symptoms. The actual growth of the tumor can cause headaches. Pit tumors are relatively common (they say 30% of the population have one and never know it). And they're non-cancerous, so nothing to worry about there. Just saying I hope they give you a full workup because of the extremeness of your insomnia and the length that you've had it.

The thing about keeping so busy to keep depression away – it works up to a point. So many people keep up busy lifes so they can shove down their feelings and they never deal with any trauma they went through. We're all guilty of it. But like I said, when you hit the pillow at night, the brain has a way of shoving those feelings to the forefront and that can keep us awake. It's got to be hard not working – that makes everything so much worse. I'm fortunate that I have a home business and I can work around my crappy sleep hours.

The headaches + insomnia would drive anyone to the brink. There's nothing worse than pain AND insomnia. I had a long period of joint pain (4 years), and I was on the edge. I remember Montell Williams saying that because of his chronic pain from MS he was suicidal. Chronic pain drains the life out of you. It stresses your adrenals too.

Keep me updated on your dr. appt – would be interested in hearing how it went. And tonight is your night to sleep – so enjoy the rest!! As for me, I'm going to try some meditation cd's and try to wind down my brain before I go to bed. Maybe write down what thoughts are running through my head too so I can just let it out.

[Author]

Posts