[RickyGelo]

Hello,

This is my first post on the forum. It’s a long one, so bear with me 🙂

I’m 29 years old, never been a great sleeper, but never had insomnia before. I could always get 6-8 hours, sometimes less, sometimes more, but was never an issue, even when I had nights were I slept a few hours, I could always recover.

My journey started in March this year, where I had a crisis with my partner, which triggered sleep difficulties for the 2/3 following weeks. Doctor prescribed Loranzepan (it’s a benzo) so that I could sleep, then went off it and sleep was on and off for the next 5-6 months. My partner and I worked things out but I lived these months with anxiety which impacted my sleep negatively. Some nights I would take 2-3 hours to fall asleep, some nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep, some nights I would not sleep at all (maybe once every couple of weeks). Things seemed to be getting better at points, but never fully recovered. It was somewhat manageable. Sometimes I called in sick from work, but I mostly lived my life normally, although almost always tired and moody. From September it became chronic. Every night was a bad night, either taking 2-3 hours to fall asleep or waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep again, often both. Anxiety went through the roof. I had a couple of panick attacks during the night, triggered by frustration of not being able to sleep and worry that that was it: I was never going to be able to sleep again, my life was ruined, there was no coming back. All my dreams gone, how can I achieve them if I can’t sleep? I started staying home very often, canceling plans, I tried all sorts of supplements, I tried micro doses of magic mushrooms, anti histamines with sleeping side effects, I went to bed earlier and earlier (9:30pm) and stayed in bed until 7/7:30pm sometime even longer, hoping to get a few hours of sleep. I gave up coffee, no screen time 1 hour before bed, no lights 1 hour before bed. I also had to meditate, I had to journal. Of course nothing worked.

Until I couple of weeks ago I came across the insomnia coach podcast and listed to 6 episodes straight. Wow, what people were describing was exactly what I was going through. So I gave myself a goal: I want to be a guest to the podcast as soon as I am out of this nightmare. I started implementing the advices from the podcast: ditch all the pre-bed rituals, ditch the meds, wake up at the same time every day (currently 6am) and go to bed when sleepy, not at a fixed time like I did before. Things have improved, I now fall asleep quite easily and sleep uninterrupted for about 5 hours, but around 4:30-5am, punctual like a Swiss train, I wake up and that is it, no more sleep. So I get 5, sometimes 5:30 hours each night, but no more. I am not canceling plans anymore and I go to work even if I slept really poorly. I even ran a half marathon last Sunday, off 5 hours of sleep and got a promotion at work.

It’s okay, but it’s not the kind of life I want to live. I am constantly exhausted, I am not able to perform at work and in sports as I know I could if I was getting my 6-7 hours of sleep, sometimes 8, like I did before. I’m okay in getting 4/5 hours every now and then, but it cannot be every day.

I am not at the point where I do not think about sleep at all, I still do during the day. I mostly think that I would feel much better if only I could sleep that extra hour or two. It’s gotten better in the past 2/3 weeks, but now I feel stuck again, I can’t get past these 5 hours of sleep. And I am tired, I am so ready to go back to living my normal life. I don’t know what to do, maybe I should restrict ever further and set the alarm at 5:30am.

When I wake up at 4:30am I either stay in bed, resting, or go try to sleep in another bed we have. Last night I went to the couch, read for 20 minutes and went back to bed. I still could not get back to sleep. But it’s not like I keep thinking about it, or I have negative thoughts or anything, sometimes they come but they don’t trigger panick attacks any more. That’s what scares me, why am I waking up then? At least before I had the negative thoughts and anxiety as an excuse, now what?

I am doing by best, working out, making travel plans, doing things with my partner and friends, enrolling in sport events, but I can’t say that I am 100% satisfied. I know it’s only been about 3 weeks of this renewed approach, I definitely have more hope and a more positive attitude, but sometimes it’s difficult to stay positive.

Apologies for the super long post. I just needed to get it out there. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read it and give advice or just some kind words.

Have a great day 🙂

[Martin Reed]

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your experience! It sure sounds as though you are on a more workable path forward!

I took two key insights from your experience:

* You can still do things that matter (like run a half-marathon!), independently of sleep
* You can still achieve things that matter (like a job promotion!), independently of sleep

At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that it can be harder to do things that matter and to live the life you want to live when you are struggling with insomnia and when difficult thoughts and feelings are present.

You will always think about things that are important (and, for that matter, not important!) because the human brain is a thought generating machine.

It’s when we try to fight certain thoughts (or feelings) that we can create a struggle that makes things more difficult since that can consume so much of our energy and attention and pull us away from doing things that matter (and, in turn, the life we want to live).

Reading your post, what seems to be particularly encouraging is the fact you are moving toward the life you want to live. We never reach the destination — we never truly achieve the life we want to live, right? If we did, what would be the point in living? The life we want to live is something we are always working toward. When one goal is achieved, we find other goals.

So, perhaps what matters most is not necessarily how your life feels right now — but the direction in which you are heading. That’s also something you can control — as you’ve shared. You can respond to this difficult stuff by moving away from the life you want to live, or by continuing to move toward the life you want to live.

Waking is a normal part of sleep — so the fact you are waking is not unusual or mysterious! What matters is how you respond. You can try to fight or avoid being awake (where does that get you) or you can practice responding in a way that might not create so much struggle and might free up energy and attention to keep doing what matters.

In short, it sounds as though you are on the right track — perhaps it’s a case of continuing to move forward, if you feel your current approach is proving to be more workable that the approach you took in the past?

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If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

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