[WiredNotTired]

Hello All,

So this is my first post and I’m not sure where to start? so, I guess, a summary of my sleeping journey over the last 30 years, and what a journey it has been.

I have suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) since I was a child, but only recently realized what it was. I always thought everyone experienced the same feelings of nervousness and anxiety, but they were just good at hiding it, so that’s what I did.

At my school, back in the day, mental health was never discussed or addressed like it is today. If you had issues that effected your education you were just put in the ‘special reading group’ or more commonly known as the ‘duffers’ group, and bullying was common place.

This had a further significant impact on my GAD and I found my teenage years very difficult, which in turn started to effect my sleeping.

My first recollection (being aware that I had some sleep issues) was at university where a house mate in the room above could only sleep with his TV left on all night, which kept waking me up, leading to anxiety about the whole situation and sleeping in general. I then invested in some ear plugs, which worked for a bit, but irritated my ears after a while, so then I progressed onto over the counter meds such as Nightol (you probably know where this is heading). My fear of sleeping had begun.

I got through the next few years of uni with very little sleep, but actually managed to do pretty well and got my degree. But, at the time, rather than thinking I had done well, I kept thinking ‘how much better I could have done if I had sleep’.

I then got the job I wanted straight from uni, which was fantastic and my confidence grew and slowly my sleeping improved (not 8hrs a night, but better). Over the next few years my career progressed and I moved jobs and got promoted.

My anxiety was always still in the background and I continued to suppress it and try to ignore it. My new promotion came with more responsibility and, subsequently, more stress lead to more anxiety, less and less sleep until the inevitable happened – a nervous breakdown!

I went to the doctors who signed me off for a month and prescribed me a 2 week course of temazepam. I spent the next two weeks sleeping every night for 10 hrs with no anxiety or stress – it was fantastic! Or so I thought!

My two week course ended and I was ok for a couple of days and then started to get very anxious and not sleeping again. What I didn’t know, was that this was rebound anxiety and insomnia from the temazepam, so I went back to the doctors and guess what? They wouldn’t give me anymore for obvious reasons.

It was at this point that I turned to the internet. I spent the next 7 years in a benzo fog masking my anxiety and sleeping issues to the point where I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It was at this point I decided enough was enough and I needed to sort myself out, as this was not sustainable for me or my family.

So again, I went to see the doctor and explained everything and that I wanted to come off sleeping pills but didn’t know how. I asked for a benzo tapper, but guess what? No. they gave me a 2 week prescription of Valium and sent me on my way. Cleary, I needed to do this on my own. Now, I wouldn’t recommend going cold turkey to anyone, as it can be very dangerous but that’s exactly what I did and I chucked the Valium.

I spent the next 8 weeks without any sleep what so ever. I was a zombie, totally wired but not even slightly tired. I was hallucinating, having muscle spasms, stomach cramps, eye twitching, hot and cold sweating, headaches and felt like my feet were on fire. How I managed to work without anyone noticing is beyond me, but I did.

The road to recovery was not going to be easy but I was determined to find a long term solution. Again, I turned to the internet in search of alternative therapies (boy is there a lot of them) and I spent a fortune trying to find one that worked.

These are just some examples:
Melatonin spray and pills – sort of helped me fall asleep but didn’t keep me asleep and gave me vivid scary dreams
Valerian root – did nothing
Passion flower – did nothing
Magnesium – did nothing
Lavender – made my bed smell nice
Chamomile – really scary dreams
Nootropics – did nothing.

Now these might work for some people but not for me. Back to the drawing board.

After 8 weeks with no sleep I suddenly got 5hrs, wow this felt incredible, I still had the ability to sleep naturally, when I thought I would never sleep again. I then had 3 nights on the trot with sleep which was great, but then started not sleeping again and this cycle continued for the next two years. I needed to find the root cause of my insomnia.

I went back to the internet in search of therapy and discovered CBT-i and sleep restriction. Now whilst this did work in the short term, I found that I would go 3 nights without sleep then, as I was so tired, I sleep on the fourth night but this cycle continued and actually made my anxiety about sleeping even worse.

Then a friend recommended mindfulness acceptance therapy for insomnia, which seemed to be my last option so I started using meditation on a daily basis. At first, I got very frustrated as I thought I was going mad talking to myself in the third person but after a few months my mind started to claim itself down and the constant chatter in my head reduced. It took me a while to fully understand the practice of mindfulness as I was trying to use it to sleep better, but that’s not the correct motivation. The correct motivation was to get better at feeling and not to try and feel better. Once I understood this, I felt a sense of freedom from my mind, it no longer controlled me. I realised I wasn’t able to control my anxious thoughts, but I was able to control how I reacted to them and either let them go or let them be – acceptance!

I’m not saying that my sleeping is now perfect, far from it. But, I’m now able to cope with not sleeping and I’m no longer scared and worried about a poor night’s sleep. As long as I continue mindfulness practice on a daily basis this will have a positive impact on my life and those around me, and in turn will continue to improve my sleep.

Sorry for the lengthy post but I felt I had to share my whole story.
May the sleep be with you!

[Manfred]

Relating to ” mindfulness acceptance therapy for insomnia” – what exactly did u do? Did u see a counselor? Read a book? How long did u meditate each day and why did u talk to yourself during meditation? Or what else did u do?

Thank you!

Manfred

[WiredNotTired]

Hi,

In terms of my acceptance therapy it involved looking inwards, during meditation, at the feelings that are created from not sleeping. Such as, sadness, frustration, anger etc and either accepting them or letting them go. I learnt to treat my anxious mind and negative thoughts like a child. Every time my mind gets distracted with negative thoughts I escort it back to the breathing exercise. It has taken a lot of practice but slowly it has worked for me, not just about not sleeping but generally with negative thoughts and anxiety.

How long did I meditate?, well I just worked it around work and home life. But probably 3 times a day for about 10-30mins and also use pause meditation which is great. Whereby I just stop work and do a short 3 min exercise when I feel my anxiety coming on. I like guided meditation and sometimes silent meditations but that took me a while to master tbh.

Talking to yourself is about understanding how my subconscious mind works. Its always taking s**t to me lol but now I just embrace it.

I also like go outside and practice ‘living the moment’ whether that’s with my dog walking or just going to woodlands and beauty spots to experience nature at its best. Sounds crazy but I like to physically touch nature – rocks, trees etc. its a different experience than just watching.

I did see a councilor through work but that was more for CBT, which for me didn’t work as well as for others.

I have read a lot of books over the years but the one that stood out for me was ‘Mindfulness for Insomnia’ A four week Guided program. On ebay for £10 and includes downloads of mediation exercises.

Thanks

[Author]

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