[JackHart567]

Hello everyone, I’m not sure how many people can read these but I’m running out of options and I think it would be good to at least consolidate my thoughts. My name is Jack, I’m a 23 year old male. I just graduated college and just started a really good job. Although the job is good, I had to move very far from my loved ones and I’m on my own. My job sometimes causes my schedule to randomly switch to second shift, which can be very stressful and hard on my sleep patterns. I have really bad anxiety, but I go through phases where I can cope with it and then some phases where I cant. Thus causing the insomnia, and the insomnia has now become a major snowball affect to my anxiety.

Heres where it all started… Long story short in the beginning of high school, I partied and experimented. I never did anything crazy, but there was a time I had smoked marijuana and had a really bad hallucinogenic experience. Pretty much all my senses were all messed up. Anyways the next day I woke up and life continued. About a month later I tried it again and had the exact same experience , and here my anxiety was born. I ended up tripping the next day and so on while being completely sober. After about 2 days of being confused and devastated I told my parents and began to see our therapist. It turns out I had been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from the bad experience and whenever I got triggered, I would have a pretty bad panic attack and be flushed with anxiety. It got really bad and I developed a-lot of fears, because I was scared I wasn’t in control of my own body. Well after a couple months of therapy, I learned to not feed the fear and that it was all in my head. I figured out to overcome my PTSD and the episodes got fewer and fewer until they went away. But what was left behind was anxiety that stuck with me, over small things. suddenly not being able to breathe, hypochondria, and not getting any sleep.. BTW I do drink alcohol for enjoyment now and it doesn’t trigger any negatives with it.

So for the past couple years I have had insomnia that comes and goes. Maybe a week or 2 out of every other month I would suffer from it. Im a pretty strong willed and independent person so I have always tried to work on my mental health on my own. But recently with all the stress I’ve been having I have been having a rough time. Some nights I lay there all night and don’t get any sleep at all. This leads to anxiety about sleeping and going to bed. Then when I’m laying there and I do get sleepy, I instantly get a rush of anxiety and cant. I then go down a rabbit hole about how the processing of falling asleep scares me and it gets worse. My brain has always been very active. I can usually tell when I’m getting close to falling asleep because random thoughts and words of nonsense will go through my head, but now I have associated that with becoming anxious which is NOT good. In the past I have tried after an hour or so of not going to sleep I get up, make tea, and play the guitar for awhile. But this past week my anxiety has been so bad it hasn’t helped.

To sum it all up, I currently got about 1.5 hours of sleep last night and just left work today midday because I was about to have a break down. I stumbled upon CBT-I last night and decided it was time. I actually cried when typing this because everything has just built up so much, which is not normal for me. I just feel so alone with this and I feel like something is wrong with me. Im so scared of not getting sleep and then something really bad is going to happen to me. I just want things to be normal, I have even considered trying medicine but I don’t want to be dependent. If I can overcome PTSD without it, surely I can with this too. The sad thing is I really enjoy sleep and dreaming, but I just cant.

[andrewroland]

Hi Jack, your story brought a tear to my eye. I’m currently in the same, stupid situation. Your one of the first people I’ve found that describes my situation so well. When I’m just about to pass over to sleep, BANG, bastard adrenaline gives me an instant panic that wakes me right up. I too got an hours sleep last night, I’ve only had one good night in a month. I’ve suffered with anxiety in one form or another for most of my life but this anxiety sleep loop is a hard nut to crack. But I have to tell myself that like all the crazy anxiety episodes I’ve been through, this one will have it’s day too. I don’t know why it will change, but it will and yours will to. Jack in the dark of night, you’re not on your own, there’s me too in the Cotswolds and we will get better.

[JackHart567]

Thank you so much for a response. I’m so sorry you have the same problem but it does help to know I’m not alone. Last night was actually kind of a failure and a success for me.. I need to get up at 6am for work. But I can only ever fall into deep sleep at 3am!!? So last night I was in a good head space, extremely tired, took a sleep aid and Layed down at 10pm. Well guess what.. I didn’t fall asleep until 3am.. good news is I slept through my alarm until 11 lol but the bad is I missed work and that did not help my sleep schedule. I don’t know why I can’t fall asleep until then but I hate it. It’s really hard to just get up after I don’t fall asleep and do something else until I’m tired because I don’t get tired! And when I get up the only thing I want to do is lie in bed and sleep. I found some YouTube podcast that’s actually helped put me in a good headspace that might help you as well try watching these, insomnia insight #40. Insomnia insight#292. Insomnia insight 337#. And talking insomnia #16. It’s important that we remind ourselves that we aren’t broken, you can sleep. You don’t have some crazy disease. It’s hard to remind my self these things but we need to. And if you are anything like me, melatonin and sleep aids will not help. Anxiety is the culprit. If you want to share how your last night was and what was going through your head, please do!

[andrewroland]

Haven’t tried melatonin, I have some in the cupboard but after searching for reviews it had a very mixed response. But you’re ultimately right, it’s the anxiety and anxiety is really good at overriding anything. I’m on my 5th day today of only having between 1 and 3 hours sleep! Last night 1 hour. I can’t get to sleep easily and when I do I wake an hour or two later and then I can’t get back to sleep. What amazes me is that I’m still standing, yesterday to try and tire me out my wife made me go for a five mile walk over loads of hills, and I still couldn’t sleep. I haven’t experienced insomnia until this year. I had it for a couple of days in the spring and then it went and now for a month. Great fun isn’t it Jack. I’m sure it’ll sod off soon. Cheers. Andy

[JackHart567]

Hey Andrew, Its been a couple weeks and I wanted to check up on you. Currently i’m doing not so good, I was and then everything suddenly got bad again. After our last post I start giving myself a strict sleep window, this did seem to help and I would get some sleep. It still would take me sometimes an hour to fall asleep but that’s better than like 4. Anyways 2 weeks ago my girl friend came to visit, and when she was here I had no issues ( granted we were drinking alcohol alot). I was calm and I always seemed to fall asleep easy. Well anyways last week she left and things got bad again. I was struggling to fall asleep, getting anywhere from 4-6 hours. Then the weekend came and I drank my way through it. Then sunday came and got about 4 hours. The next night however, I did not get any sleep.. I was so tired but just laid there having panic all night. Im not sure why but now when night comes I get insanelt dry mouth and sometimes nausea. I actually threw up that morning getting ready for work a couple times. That for sure doesn’t help the fear.. Regardless at 6am I got up and went to work. Surprisingly did not seem tired at work, got home and almost fell asleep on the couch but whenever I tried I just came become aware and it didn’t work. As night approached I was becoming more nervous, when ever I don’t get any/little sleep my heart races the next day. I decided to drink, took about 3 shots and got in bed at 8 ( I usually got to bed at 12) layed there in exhaustion and finally passed out around 9pm. Actually slept 9 hours. Then last night came and I had a pretty good day ,well.. I layed down tired around 10.. layed there until 12… took some medicine and made some tea.. finally got up and watched a movie at 1 until 2:30. Finally fell asleep at 3, then have on and off sleep until 8. Im happy I got sleep, but the fear and anxiety is still killing me. I cant shake this feeling something is seriously off. I will have a day with a good mindset and be happy and then night comes and its destroys me again. I just hope you are somewhere out there sleeping better than me. Im about to go on vacation and hopefully wont have any issues. When I get back I may go back to my strict 5 hour sleep window again.

[Alexa Woodward]

Hey Jack!

I am a currently experiencing the same thing as you. When did you start CBTi?

[Michael Hawes]

If you started CBT-I make sure you stick to the program. After two weeks, for me, the method to the madness ( sleep window/restriction etc. ) made sense. Not only did it make sense the improvement started and ended with me getting 6-8 hours of restful sleep ( sigh of relief ) solely dependent upon how much or little I choose to sleep.

Our stories are all the same. Only the names change. Millions of folks have trouble with sleep. Millions of folks recover from poor sleep, many for good. If you’ve taken CBT-I or are about to if that nasty sleep demon decides to rear it’s ugly head again you will have the tools to defeat it. Quickly.

May the ZZZzzz’s be with you!

[Seps26]

Hearing your sadness in the post resinates with me so much because I’m in the same position as you right now. I feel so alone and I’m scared I’m never going to go back to normal. On bad nights I sleep probably half an hour to 45 mins and my body dosent even let me nap during the day when I’m tired. Like I cannot switch off!! I used to be a great sleeper

Never felt so depressed and alone in my life. You aren’t alone

[JackHart567]

I have not really started the CBTI from Martin yet, I mainly just try to keep a strict routine and get out of bed if I can’t sleep or at least turn the tv on. I have been doing pretty good since I came beach from vacation but I’ve had a couple bad nights and I don’t understand why. I do drink on the weekends and during the nothing crazy, I’m never hungover. But on nights I drink I fall asleep so early so fast and it’s great and when I don’t I just can’t. Last night was a Sunday after a busy weekend and I layed down around 10:30 because I couldn’t keep my eyes open on the couch and as soon as I hit the bed I just couldn’t fall asleep. My mind will drift off also but I can’t seem to cross that threshold, I toss and turn and then my mouth gets dry and eventually I will get up. Couldn’t fall asleep till 3am then woke up at 6 for work. I’m not sure why this happens as I’m so tired but just can’t get there. I do keep a sleep journal, the past 2 weeks look good except for a couple nights, but I don’t understand what makes those awful nights different than my good ones.

[Scott]

Hi @JackHart567,

Great conversational thread! You’ve provided a lot of information so I’ll expand on a few repetitive topics you’ve mentioned.

Alcohol is considered a sedative, making you feel relaxed, and probably why you’re able to fall asleep rather easily. As the liver processes the alcohol, it becomes a stimulant, which is why it’s not uncommon for people to wake a few hours after going to sleep. Can you relate to this scenario?

A theme you’ve repeated in your posts is having a monkey mind and anxious thoughts at bedtime and towards your sleep issue. Do you find yourself focused on the “what if’s” when an anxious thought starts? “What if I don’t get any sleep tonight?” “What if I’m too tired to function tomorrow?” – sound familiar? What do you think would happen if you changed your relationship with those types of thoughts to, “so what!”? “So what, I’ve only gotten 3 hours of sleep before and was able to function during the day!” “So what, if I don’t get any sleep tonight, I know tonight will be better!”. You can’t stop the initial “what if” thoughts but you can control your response to them. I’ll try to give you an analogy for simpler understanding – instead of standing in the ocean waiting on a wave to slam you down, go with the flow of the wave and when an anxious feeling arrives, welcome it instead of trying to stop it. Does that help?

Scott J

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[JackHart567]

@scottctj
Hello Scott, Thank you for your reply and interest!

Yes the alcohol does help me sleep, but I don’t really have an issue with waking up unless its to use the rest room. Also once I wake up I don’t really have to much trouble falling back to sleep quickly. It’s always just that initial first time. I do get stuck in the “what if” spiral often, I am working on trying to have the mindset you mentioned as to say “so what?!” Whenever I have had insomnia in the past that is usually how I have shaken it, but this is the worst bout. I have had anxiety in the past and learned ways to cope but its been awhile so I’m relearning these tactics.

Right now I seem to be shifting back and forth from helpless to thinking rationally. Its a-lot easier said than done when it comes to fixing these problems, but I know it doesn’t happen overnight. I know that currently my anxiety/insomnia is due to some recent major life changes so I keep reminding myself its only temporary. I have never been one to rely on medicines to help me sleep or feel less anxious, it just doesn’t work for me and I don’t like to be dependent.

What is just been getting me lately is, I don’t understand how I can be so tired and nodding on the couch, yet when I get in bed I just lay there. Also sometimes i’m not even super anxious, i’m so exhausted and my mind is literally in random incoherent thoughts wandering yet I cant seem to fall asleep. So eventually I get up and do something else, but i’m so tired that the only thing I want to do is go lay back in bed, which isn’t an option.

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