[Raf99]

After a few good nights this week, last night was horrible (1-2 hours of sleep). I was sleepy watching TV, soon as I turned the lights off, these thoughts you show below began, and I was immediately in an aroused state trying to reason with these thoughts. This aroused state would not let up, nor would the hypnic jerks as soon as I would start dozing. The frustration was intense and I stayed in bed as getting out of bed – I feel – would make me angrier.

Its extremely difficult to stay positive on days like this, I often cancel my workout so as to not increase the cortisol in my body further. I did go to bed later than usual – not sure if that has anything to do with it…

Im just at loss for what to do on these nights, Im tempted to grab the sleep meds that are in the nightstand next to me then talk myself out of it as I know they are not the answer in the long term. Any insight on how I can change my reaction here?

[Martin Reed]

That sounds difficult, @Raf99 — and I think it’s important to acknowledge that difficult nights will always show up from time to time, just as difficult days will always show up from time to time.

As you know from experience, sleep cannot be achieved through effort — there’s nothing you can do to make sleep happen when you are awake at night. Trying tends to make things more difficult.

Similarly, thoughts and feelings cannot be permanently controlled through effort, either. Of course, we can temporarily distract ourselves and we can try really hard to “not think” certain thoughts — but they always come back in the end.

So, what can be helpful is practicing moving away from trying to make sleep happen and practicing acknowledging and allowing your thoughts and feelings to exist and to come and go as they choose without trying to fight or avoid them.

For as long as your goal is to control your thoughts and feelings, your sleep, your cortisol levels, or anything else that you cannot directly or permanently control, you might be setting yourself up for an ongoing struggle.

It sounds as though you can be pretty hard on yourself when you have difficult nights. I’d encourage you to practice being a bit kinder to yourself — none of this is your fault; you cannot control sleep or what you think or feel. You can only control your actions — how you respond to this difficult stuff when it shows up.

You can practice responding with less struggle, or you can practice responding with more struggle.

I hope there’s something useful here and I wish you all the best.

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