[PRA1985]

Hello all, new to the forum but happy to have found this. I have suffered bouts of insomnia all my life, namely sleep-onset insomnia that occasionally results in total sleepless nights.

When I have a totally sleepless night, I also tend to have incredibly awful thoughts, mentally. My brain goes from normal to very dark and depressed thoughts and I feel like a zombie, a husk waiting for sleep but unable to get it through naps and just hoping to fall asleep the next night.

Usually, I can end this in its tracks with benzodiazepines; but in the past few years I have made a habit of taking a small dose (.25 to .5) generic Xanax at night to ensure the above scenario doesn’t happen.

Anyways, last night I could not sleep at all. Despite hours of 1.25mg Xanax, my brain just would not transfer over to sleep. I eventually fell asleep at 4-5am before having to go to work at 8am and by mid-day, felt like a exhausted wreck.

This brings us to now… I took 1.25mg Xanax at 10pm, and I have still not slept a goddamn wink. I lay there feeling relaxed for an hour, realize I’m not sleeping, panic, get up to read on the couch, go back to bed, rinse, repeat. It is now 2am and I have now also taken 1mg Klonopin from my girlfriend… normally this should, by all logic, have me sleeping soundly many times over – but I seriously feel like my brain has forgotten how to sleep or something and the fact the medications – in amounts I usually wouldn’t take this high of – are doing nothing … it scares the hell out of me.

I just want a full 8 hours or sleep to “reset” my anxiety. Currently fearing things like SFI which I know is my irrational self talking but when I can’t sleep from anything – it is hard to stay rational.

I’m seeing a psychiatrist in a couple weeks for the first time in years and plan to also see a therapist for CBT… but I just want desperately to just sleep tonight and not be so scared as these medications fail where they always succeeded previously.

Anyways, if you made it this far, thank you. I hate this feeling so much, not sleeping for days is literally one of my biggest fears and I am so concerned as to why the meds aren’t helping it is making me a mess. Any reassurance is wanted.

[Martin Reed]

Welcome to the forum. What you are experiencing is not unique or unusual and it really comes down to the entire reason why chronic insomnia exists — a strong desire to avoid nighttime wakefulness and all the difficult thoughts and feelings that often come with it.

Unfortunately, since we cannot control sleep and we cannot control what goes on in our minds, the more we try to avoid wakefulness and the more we try to fight or avoid difficult thoughts and feelings, the more likely we are to get tangled up in an endless, exhausting, and distracting struggle.

Sometimes, a more helpful approach can be allowing wakefulness to happen (even though you don’t want it to happen) and acknowledging and even making space for the difficult thoughts and feelings your mind generates as it goes about its job of looking after you.

This way we immediately free up all that energy that would have otherwise been spent engaged in a struggle and we might also free up some attention that we can redirect toward doing things that help keep us moving toward the kind of life we want to live and the person we want to be (even in the presence of all the difficult stuff that we cannot control).

I hope there might be something useful here.

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The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

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