[Tim]

Just wanted to share about some recent experiences with difficult thoughts. I have been out of the program for a couple of years and had been doing just fine. Sleep came, sleep went but it never really caused anxiousness. About a month ago I had a difficult night and for whatever reason the old thoughts began to gain some traction, “Wow, looks like a full blown relapse is on the way. Things could be really bad this time etc etc” It caught me off guard and the intrusive thoughts came on hard. I quickly went back to my old program notes. The thing that really seemed to help was listening to the podcasts of people telling their story. To me it is like medicine, hearing the struggles but more importantly how they overcame. So much hope and healing. Well, the next day I had a panic attack while at work but did not let it control my actions. I acknowledged it and kept on moving forward. Upon its passing I immediately felt this sense of relief that I do not have to be controlled by my emotions. I continued to listen to podcasts and from each one would glean a kernel of knowledge or hope.
Spring forward to this past Sunday. Out of the blue, feelings of dread over not sleeping that night began to fill my brain. The night really was not too bad but I still had feelings of dread the next day about how I was teetering on the precipice of disaster. My logical brain kept telling me that’s not true, I have tools. I listened to a couple more podcasts and what really resonated was we can acknowledge that these feelings are uncomfortable, we would rather not have them and thats ok. Had another panic attack at work and just really acknowledged all the feelings and sensations from a far and let it run its course while not letting it paralyze me. It seems like each time we do that, the brain starts to recognize that “hey, the sensation, while not comfortable, is really not as much of a threat as I thought.”
I guess the whole point of this post is no matter how long things have been going well, “stuff happens”. Do not get discouraged, go back to the basics. Institute a sleep window if its helpful if not don’t. I like to stay in bed if I’m not sleeping well because its comfortable for me. I like to just lay and rest. Others want to get out and read, or just do anything else but lay in bed.
DO WHATS RIGHT FOR YOU, YOU ARE THE EXPERT ON YOU!
I am thankful for these latest teaching moments. At times I just want to “be normal” whatever that is. This whole thing, particularly the latest episodes have taught me the importance of patience and kindness with ourselves. Feel those feelings good and bad, acknowledge them but live that rich full life you always wanted. It takes time and effort, sometimes more then we feel we can give. However, the first lesson of Martin’s course mentioned anything of value requires effort and is usually hard. You are stronger than you think.
Blessings on your journey, you are not alone!

[Bronte]

Hi Tim
Your message is very powerful and I thank you very much for your words. You raised a lot of points that really resonated with me. I have had the same experience as you when your brain just flips back to the negative thoughts, telling you that you are relapsing to the ‘can’t sleep’ mode. I feel it’s like a switch flicking in my brain and I can’t find my way back. I don’t know why it happens, or how to resolve it, but many of your words have guided me to know the way back. You have been so thoughtful and articulate and I’m sure it will help many people.
I think once you’ve had insomnia it’s always there in the background and you have to work hard to frequently practice the techniques that help you maintain your progress. I hope I can find the right path in the maize again and your words will comfort and guide me. Thank you.

[Author]

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