[Hanna]

I am a first time mum, currently 7 weeks postpartum.
I have had expected sleep disturbances since my newborn was born but it has really spiralled out of control since last week and today is my 4-5th nights in a row with 0-1hr sleep on average.

It started with developing anxiety around my newborn’s sleep and feeding times at night, but as his sleep got better, ironically my sleep got worse.
He does 5hr stretches of sleep from about 10.30pm to 4am, which is actually amazing for a 7 week old baby.

However I stay wide awake at night feeling anxious about how much sleep I will get or how I am going to be able to look after my baby the next day.
It started with anxiety around my baby but when that anxiety resolved with baby sleeping better, it was replaced with anxiety around sleep itself.

I am limited to what I can take in terms of supplement or medication for sleep, as I am breastfeeding my baby so I felt really hopeless and scared.
I even thought about ceasing breastfeeding so I could take those medications because I felt so desperate, then I would feel incredibly guilty / feel like a failure as a mum.

I only discovered Martin’s youtube channel yesterday and it felt like a light was turned on. I felt hope again. I thought I could really give this a go and tackle. I tried his stategies with sleep windows and making the wakeful time more pleasurable last night. Whenever dreadful feelings about past sleepless nights arose, I tried to calm myself and distract myself with reading/watching youtube/trying not to notice the time. But i think secretly I was hoping I would get a little more sleep last night, and I didn’t.
Even though I had been telling myself I would not care if I slept or not, towards 3-4AM mark of being awake, I started to feel frustrated and angry again. I could not find any activity that I would normally enjoy, enjoyable. Watching my favourite shows, reading a book, writing a diary – just felt like a chore and difficult. Then my baby would be up at 4AM for his night feed. I was back in bed by 5AM after putting him to bed and felt incredibly lonely and scared, no matter how hard I tried to brush it off or minimise it.
I think a lot of insomniacs would resonate with this feeling where you feel completely alone and helpless at night. That feeling where you are the only one up in this quiet house where everyone else is sound asleep, that you are completly on your own in this journey.

I am a physician myself, and I never truly knew what my patients were trying to tell me when they said they were suffering from insomnia. I gave the usual advice about sleep hygiene/meditation/even sleep restriction or gave them different types of antidepressants and antianxylotics. Many of them would return saying these don’t work, or they become dependent on the medication. This experience gave me profound insight in to their lives and I wish I could go back and just give them a hug and tell them they are doing amazing fighting this battle. That they are not alone.

That’s why I wanted to connect with people who are going through the same difficulty, because truly, you don’t know how awful this is until you experience it. Any tips as to what you do at night to make wakeful time a little more enjoyable, or any comments would be appreciated!
Thank you 🙂

[Bronte]

Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you, it truly does! I’ve been there and remember it so well, even though it was a long time ago for me.
You have articulated precisely what it feels like and you are so right to say that you don’t realise how awful insomnia is until you are going through it yourself.
The first thing to say is that you are not alone. You are doing all the right things and you have the right attitude. So many things I might suggest you are already doing. I think the only thing that helped me was to realise that you CAN function safely without sleep, you can care for your baby. It feels like you are not coping but you are.
The whole thing is about reducing the importance of sleep in your mind and directing your focus on life. The key is to understand that it’s about fear. Fear of being awake at night (like a phobia) and you need to work on reducing that fear by rationalising that ‘I’m safe, I’m calm, I’m not scared of this, I can function regardless’. I know it’s not easy and it takes time and practice.
It’s somewhat against the rules but I have to say at the time I took sleep whenever I could get it, little naps at any time they happened, when the baby was asleep.
Keep reminding yourself, you will cope, you can get through this, it is temporary and your baby is safe.

Cherish your new little baby, who sounds very well behaved! Things will get better soon and allow you to enjoy this new chapter in your life. Good luck!!

[Bronte]

Forgot to say….well done for breast feeding and try not to give in to medication and having to give that up. I think you would feel regret. Keep learning from Martin, he is the best at insomnia.

[Chee2308]

There was an excellent post about a young mum being 100% cured from her postpartum insomnia, which I think you can get some inspiration:

100% cured from postpartum insomnia 🙂

Best wishes and congratulations on being a parent.

[Author]

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