[NOOR]

Two days ago, my sleep anxiety suddenly returned, as I will soon begin my government job. Last Wednesday, I woke up at 12 p.m. and remained awake until the next day (Thursday) until 2 a.m., meaning I was awake for around 36 hours. I cannot describe how incredibly exhausting and draining it was. My anxiety worsened, and my breathing became very tight. I got out of bed and tried doing relaxation exercises, but the tension in my body was extremely strong. Despite all of this, sleep still didn’t come, so I had to resort to taking sleeping pills. I woke up on Friday at 12 p.m., but I wasn’t feeling well as the anxiety about sleep persisted.

On Friday evening, I tried applying your advice: even if sleep didn’t come, I would do something enjoyable in bed. I started reading a novel at 1 a.m., and by 4 a.m., I was still awake with a highly active mind, until I eventually got bored of reading. I did a bit of deep breathing exercises (but even my body was too tired to continue them), and then I went back to reading. By 6 a.m., sleep still hadn’t come, so I ended up taking sleeping pills again. I woke up today at 2 p.m., and here I am writing to you, feeling exhausted and on the verge of tears. I’m utterly perplexed as to what else I can do to restore my sleep to how it used to be.

I thought I had overcome this issue, that I had conquered my anxiety, but the shocking part is that the anxiety returned so unexpectedly and relentlessly. I’ve noticed it’s connected to my bed. When I go to sleep, the moment I close my eyes, the anxiety intensifies and prevents me from falling asleep. Even though I no longer believe in the thoughts associated with sleep, it seems my body still does. Right now, as I’m writing to you, I’m convinced and not afraid of the thoughts linked to sleep, but when the time to sleep comes, my body starts to worry involuntarily!

Martin, this is incredibly tiring, and I truly wish to heal from it. My health is even starting to deteriorate; my face is looking more and more lifeless day by day, and I’m only 24 years old. What should I do next? I’ve tried even accepting the situation, but even with acceptance, sleep doesn’t come. Even if I try not to focus on it, I can’t lie and say that my body accepts not sleeping. The feeling of not sleeping is like someone nearing death.

I hope you can advise me on something new that might change the course of things, or guide me toward something I might be overlooking.

[beckycolorado]

My sleep is very similar to yours. I can feel very relaxed at night in my chair reading. I know that my thoughts are just thoughts. But in bed, everything is different. I am awake and my heart starts to race. I try and do breathing relaxations exercises. I listen to sleep stories on Calm. I am comfortable in bed but sleep is elusive. I can even take a sleeping pill and not sleep. I am, too, at a loss.

[Martin Reed]

What you’ve both shared here is difficult — and what you’ve both shared here is not unique or unusual. It’s all part of the insomnia struggle, which can probably be distilled down to this: the more we try to make sleep happen the more we struggle with sleep.

@NOOR — As you have chased after sleep (completely understandably, by the way!) it seems you have no real sleep schedule; you are in bed until noon, or 2:00 PM and that makes it so much harder for your sleep to do what it wants to do (take care of itself).

Similarly, as you have tried to (again, understandably!) fight or avoid anxiety you have found the anxiety gets even more powerful and even more difficult.

Reading can be a more useful alternative compared to battling away, going to war with being awake and going to war with difficult thoughts and difficult feelings. It’s not going to make sleep happen, though (but not being at war might mean that conditions for sleep are a bit better!).

“I’ve tried even accepting the situation, but even with acceptance, sleep doesn’t come.”

If you are practicing acceptance with the goal of making sleep happen, you aren’t practicing acceptance — you are still trying to make sleep happen. That, as your experience is telling you, is what’s supplying your insomnia with the oxygen it needs to survive.

“I’m utterly perplexed as to what else I can do to restore my sleep to how it used to be.”

There might be an insight here. When sleep was good and wasn’t an issue or a concern, how did you make great sleep happen?

@beckycolorado: Your brain is doing its job of looking out for you. It doesn’t need to protect you from a struggle and battle with wakefulness when you are in your chair reading. However, when you get into bed — a place that’s become a battleground — it’s going to fire up to keep you safe. It has learned to believe that being awake is a threat. It wants to protect you from that threat.

Since you recognize this as an obstacle to sleep, like most human beings you are probably going to try to calm your mind or try to fight whatever your brain is doing.

However, this doesn’t work.

Your brain thinks there’s a threat. When you try to fight or ignore all the difficult thoughts and feelings it is generating in an attempt to protect you from that threat, it’s not going to give in — it thinks you are in danger! — instead, it’s going to make all those thoughts and feelings even more intense.

Imagine if you saw a child about to step into a busy street without looking. You yell at them to stop in an attempt to protect them. They ignore you. Do you stop yelling, or do you yell even louder?

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