[stodorm]

Hello, first post ever here! Wonder if there’s a clue about what’s happening to me since the end of last December.

Last year was quite a mess. Sleeping 3-5 hours willingly because of work during weekdays, not particularly in love with my job (to say the least), then took 30 days off starting last December. First, I would sleep all right, as I decided to slow down things, change my way of doing things. Also decided to get back, after 4 years, to aerobic exercises (I have a spinning bike at home). After a week or so starting this new approach, still on vacation (at home), sleep started to get funny… I would wake up one or two hours earlier than a full 8-hour sleep  with horrible nightmares, things that would make me jump out of bed without wanting to return…

There were other things going on. I was about to have a civil marriage (only the legal stuff, no ceremony) with my long time girlfriend. I had no doubts about it, and we’ve been wanting this for a while. Besides that, I was also on a diet, perhaps eating way less carbs than I should. And I was pushing things with the spinning bike.

Well, not long after we became officially a couple, sleep pattern changed drastically. I would wake-up  2 or 3 hours after getting into bed, always between 0h30 and 3h30, completely awaken, worried, with anguish. I could not see the cause. I would remember no nightmares before waking up. I would try to sleep for hours, and that would make things worse. I didn’t want to get to bed, I didn’t want even to seat. I preferred to stay on foot. Sometimes I felt difficulty to breath. My wife would them help me with relaxation breathing and I would get better. I could not even think of a nap during the day, as it was worse than sleeping at night. I would wake up angry and afraid, would be on foot in one second after waking up….

For a month, I could only manage to sleep 3 or 4 hours max at night if I slept on the couch. I just could not be in the bedroom to sleep, it seemed to hot and claustrophobic to me, and it became more like a sleep arena to me. After a while, after learning a bit about sleep hygiene, about not fighting for sleep, about paradoxical intention (instead of trying to sleep, try to stay awake), about not thinking too much about life, I could manage to start sleeping in the couch, then waking up around 2 am, then at 4 am (after meditation, after reading easy to read books etc) going to the bedroom and sleeping LIKE A BABY.

Not long after that, I could even have one or two full 8-hour sleep, or even more!

I’ve had some 3 weeks or so with no issues. Then I started to live “normally” again, doing things before bedtime that are not so relaxing. So bad things started again.

Now, my routine is getting to bed, not lying in full, in a position so I can read some 3 or 4 pages of an easygoing book. Then I get to sleep quite fast. After that, I wake up between 1am and 3am completely awaken and distressed (still don’t know what’s behind it, I remember no nightmares). I get out, go to the bathroom, drink a glass of milk o something like that, get back to bed, read. After a while, I sleep lightly. I still wake-up an hour or two later, but now I sense sleeping is getting way heavier. I am not feeling high temperature on my body anymore, temperature seems to be lower (I am in south hemisphere, we’re having a tough summer). Then I change position in bed and finally lie completely (without being in “read position”). Then I sleep like a baby until something wakes me up (alarm or something else).

Well, main issue here is that in an 7 hour period of sleep, I get something like 6, 5, sometimes 4 hours of real sleep. Still a bit low on carbs, and a bit heavy (to my previous sedentary profile for the last 4 years) on physical activity. Since it all started, I’ve been facing (a) depressive feelings, (b) anguish, something that might be compatible with a (c) mild panic (a lighter version, I feel my body too warm, I want to run from something I just don’t know what is) and even some (d) depersonalization (wonder if the term is really this: I sometimes check my own things, the way I used to organize stuff on my computer, for instance, and I ask myself “who is this guy? I have nothing to do with him not with anyone else”). Those “a”, “b”,”c”, “d” feelings got way better, the heavier part was on January, but there’s still some 40% to go away.

I’ve been to doctors, and clinically they found nothing bad. Among thousand tests, there was even serotonin and cortisol, and they looked normal to them.

So now I wonder how come can I feel fear, anxiety, anger when I wake-up at night beetwen 1am and 3am, I have trouble and anxiety from that time until an hour later when I get back to sleep, then at the end of the night I sleep like a baby? That is the main issue, together with the fact “sleep” became a very problematic thought on my head, and additionally I still have some residual depressive/anguish/mild panic feelings. Also zero libido, something quite new to me. I’m also having a hard time revisiting my past, I have never been too openly emotional (I was raised with all that “a man must me strong” stuff), but now there are songs I can’t hear (and I mean I can’t really, they put me in despair, they haunt be, and if I listen them once, they will be playing on my head for days, even on the insomnia hours!) and movies I’d rather not watch!

Sorry for the long text! Forgive for any writing mistakes, as English (apparently) is not my mother language.

[Martin Reed]

Welcome to the forum and I am sorry to read about your struggles with sleep. From what you have described, it sounds as though you have formed a strong association between the bed and wakefulness, worry, and anxiety. This is perhaps unsurprising when we consider all the negative experiences you have gone through when in bed.

So, you can be feeling very sleepy (or wake from sleep) but when you get in bed or realize you are in bed, you become highly alert and anxious because you have learned that the bed is a place where bad things can happen.

The good news is, there are a number of times when you have managed to get your sleep back on track. So, this is evidence that you are capable of sleep and that it’s very unlikely anything is wrong with your biological sleep system.

You mentioned that you have sought medical advice. Was cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) mentioned or suggested at any point?

I think this could be very helpful for you because it helps address the learned association of the bed/bedroom as a place of wakefulness and worry and helps you relearn to associate the bed with relaxation and sleep. It also helps address any behavioral issues that may be making it harder for you to get your sleep back on track.

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