[NW213]

Hello all,

First of all, I’d like to say that this place and the YouTube channel are a great place for finding sound and logic information about sleep and sleeplessness.

I’ve always been a difficult sleeper, but since last Sunday I’ve had a really bad string of nights with very bad sleep. Sunday night I was surprised that I could only sleep for 3,5 hours and ever since then, I’ve been worrying a lot throughout the day and especially when it’s close to bedtime. When I’m in bed, it seems I’m just waiting for sleep but it just doesn’t seem to come to me. I think that subconsciously, the fact that I have a new and exciting relationship has affected my sleep somehow.

Currently, I’m trying the CBT-I techniques Martin recommends, including sleep restriction and stimulus control. I’ve set my sleep window between 00.30 and 07.00, though that might chance after this first week. I’m also considering signing up for the 8 week course, but before that I first need to receive my credit card.

Now, I’d like to ask you guys some advice. I’ve a new boyfriend and it’s all very exciting. He’s also been really understanding and supportive about this and has clearly stated that my sleeplessness is no issue for him whatsoever. I really enjoy sleeping together and if that couldn’t happen because of my sleeplessness, it would definitely be a blow to me enjoying the beautiful things in live.

However, I’m wondering how I can combine this with stimulus control, since he lives in a 1 room studio:

– Can I also use an e-reader with dim light in the bed of my partner, when I’m frustrated about falling asleep? I realise this is not ideal, but I can’t go to another room in his studio. So this way I’ll at least distract myself and this way I’ll not allow sleeplessness to affect me spending quality time with my partner.

– Is it okay to cuddle in bed before I go to sleep and when I wake up? I know the bed should be for sleep and sex only, but cuddling is a new and lovely experience for me!

My partner knows about the CBT-I measures I’m taking and understands it, so I’m sure that he’ll help me with any other arrangements that needs to be made.

Finally, apologies if I’m rambling a bit, that tends to happen when im tired. I’d still love to hear the thoughts of you guys on this matter though!

[Chee2308]

It seems you have made sleep the centre of attention for everything that you live for. And that’s an issue because it doesn’t have to be that way and it’s all entirely made up by your overprotective mind. Maybe you need to ask yourself, what is it about losing sleep that I’m so afraid of, that I can’t continue to enjoy my life to the fullest without. The reality is that sleep doesn’t define who you are or what you are capable of. There will be a time when everyone sleeps eternally, so perhaps ask yourself why you need to be missing it so badly now already? Is sleep really that important compared to what’s going on in your life? How you use your time is really the issue here. So you can spend way more time in bed trying to sleep, or would you rather like to go out and do the things that you really want and enjoy. At the end, how do you want to remember your life? How you slept or how you lived? The choice is entirely yours. Best wishes.

[NW213]

Thanks for your insights Chee! I believe it’s because this is my first almost full week of sleeplessness, that my mind is really racing right now. However, during this week I also managed to go to the gym 3 times, have a beautiful date with my boyfriend, completed some work assignments and did some volunteer work. So you’re right that sleep doesn’t need to be the centre of my life right now, even if my feelings tell me otherwise.

Upon some reflection, it might be that my new (first ever) relationship is the cause for my sleep problems. On average we spent around 2 nights a week sleeping together and that means staying in bed longer and sometimes having irregular times going to bed. That might be something that I need to get used to.

Do you guys maybe have any insight in how I might find a balance between a new relationship and sleeping-partner and the disruptions that may cause in my sleep cycle? I mean, it might not be the smartest idea to stop sleeping together because of this right?

[Chee2308]

Hello! I think you have to find that balance yourself. But the good news is most people will eventually reach some kind of ‘settlement’ with your mind over what kind of a relationship you want to have with sleep. Many people who recovered like myself tends to put it further and further down the list of priority as they get better. Yes sleep is essential but we still have to live in the moment, yes? We all have other things to take care of. For you now, it might be a new relationship, work, assignments or whatever. But if you continue to choose to engage in this futile exercise, other things will start popping up that your mind thinks will disrupt your sleep, things like marriage, moving into a new home, having kids and blah blah blah. That list will be endless and contains a million things! How are you gonna to entertain all that? Can’t you see how futile this is? Your mind is playing tricks with you and you are falling into it. So when is this nonsense going to stop? Well it won’t stop because you just can’t let it go! You are feeding your insomnia with your attention and making decisions based on how they affect your sleep. My advice is, sleep with your boyfriend now, get used to it here and now. Stop avoiding things because sleep and start being brave. Only then will you be free from the struggles which is entirely self imposed. Good luck! Dismantle the fear around poor sleep and you begin realizing what insomnia is really all about. Just a set of thoughts and how you relate to them. Good luck!

[NW213]

Thanks for the though love Chee! Your words resonate with me: I have a new boyfriend now and part of my adjustment process might just be that my mind and sleep cycle need to settle on that. I think I’ll just put all those CBT-I exercises on hold for now and just live in the moment in my lovely relationship. I have had sleep disruptions in the past and I know I can still function fine with only a few (or even zero) hours of sleep. So I’ll allow my mind and body to find a balance while I’m living my live to the fullest with my boyfriend! I’ll write these insights down somewhere, so I can look at it any time I start to worry again 🙂

[Chee2308]

Sorry for sounding harsh. And I have got plenty of admonishment here over it too. But sometimes, this is exactly what the situation needs. A good smackdown. It’s kinda like telling a child there’s no monsters in the closet and to get back to bed! Insomnia is an adult version of that. It might not make much sense now but as you travel along this journey and things start becoming clearer, you will see what I’m talking about. I and many others have been through this before. And I know there’s really nothing there (to be afraid of). Yes the suffering is real but the things that ’caused’ it are completely harmless. Insomnia and thoughts can never hurt you unless you take them too seriously. Just set a timetable for bed and that’s it. You get into bed at X hours and out at Y and you don’t care what happens in between. If you can’t sleep between X and Y, you have a choice to lie in bed resting peacefully or get up and do something you enjoy. Both are okay, the idea is to be okay and not struggle with night time wakefulness. Good luck!

[Martin Reed]

In 100 years from today, will you be looking back on all the great nights of sleep you had or do you think you’ll more likely be looking back on all the important things you did (such as sharing a bed with someone you love) even if those things happened during/after a difficult night?

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