[Nicki H]

Hi, I have been working on accepting insomnia, befriending wakefulness and setting an intention each day not to respond to whatever comes with fear since my anxiety around sleep perpetuates the whole process. Although I have experienced some benefit I have such a mix of some nights being ok, other nights with debilitating effects the following day (it’s been over a decade I have had insomnia) but my new approach is definitely to just get on with the day as best i can and not hone in on symptoms, or catastrophize about the following day. My aim is to fake it til i make it and pretty much try and get used to the notion of not caring about sleep or lack thereof.

I get a real mix of nights that are very minimal sleep, and then some that are not too bad with sufficient to cope the next day. It’s longstanding for me, so it has definitely got to a point where some days, I do have to pull back due to nausea or fatigue levels. However, I still approach the day with (mostly) a positive mind knowing that the more i respond with fear, the more i perpetuate things (and here i am writing this post).

My question is, would you see a bumpy ride of ok sleep mixed with not so good progress? I guess it is rather than having every single day that’s terrible, but I wondered if it’s common to have the real mix of up and down nights (with no real pattern as to why)…in fact it typically goes that when i have a really really good day, the next day seems to be awful with limited sleep and I just wonder why. I do feel i’ve a long way to go until i can just stop questioning everything – I have definitely come a long way in not being scared of being awake, but i guess it’s just more frustrating than anything since it does impact me enough to affect my work, or sometimes being able to drive (on a bad day)….i’m wondering whether just continuing not responding with fear will just work itself out in a matter of time, i guess the more i practice this, the more ingrained it becomes and the more my brain will actually believe it and settle…

Thanks, Nicki

[Martin Reed]

It sounds as though you’re on the right track, Nicki!

Ups and downs are a normal part of any journey. If we see a mountain in the distance and decide we want to climb it we might do a bit of research (and training!) first and then head off.

As we embark on the journey, we’ll likely find some parts really easy. Other parts will be more difficult. We might also stumble and trip from time to time, right?

Of course, when the journey is easy we usually feel good. We want to keep that feeling around and we want the journey to continue to be easy. Progress is fast and so easy!

When we hit the difficult parts of the journey we might stop and try to figure things out. We might stop in an attempt to work out why we tripped or stumbled. We might stop in an attempt to get rid of the difficult thoughts and feelings that come when a setback happens. We might stop and put our detective hat on to try to figure out why this part of the journey is hard.

Of course, every time we stop we don’t get any closer to the top of the mountain, right? As we “troubleshoot” and try to figure out how to get rid of the difficult stuff — the “speed bumps” — we also spend energy and attention on that, rather than the journey itself. We also might miss out on everything else that’s around us. The trees. The birds. The smells. Where we are and what we are doing.

So, perhaps what matters most is acknowledging that this journey will have difficult parts. That there will be ups and downs. To be kind to yourself when things feel difficult. And to continue on, regardless?

Is there anything useful here?

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[Nicki H]

Thanks Martin, this absolutely does make sense and although I am trying to fake it til i make it, there’s still that analytical part of me that can be hard to quieten some days.

I guess I am at that stage where although I know the right things to do, but it’s difficult to maintain being zen while still experiencing mostly bad nights, with some good ones peppered through, so that part tends to mess with my head in the sense of doing all the right things but not getting the results. I guess that says I still need to let go.

In terms of progress, i’m able to fall asleep easier, which is great, I still wake (and I am ok with that) but when I go back to sleep I get woken back up straight away with a strange sound. It’s almost like a the sound of a deep cow noise (don’t laugh) haha. I say that because it sounds like a breathing out sound rather than a breathing in sound (which would be more akin to a snore)….what is odd is that there’s no feeling in my nose or throat of it actually being a real snore, as in no vibration in my throat or sensation in my nose (I know that sounds odd). It comes with the slightest of hypnic jerk feelings, but it’s not a jolt – I have experienced those before, it’s not a panicked falling feeling but I would still say it’s a startle of some kind.

I only get this when trying to go back to sleep after already sleeping fine with no interuption for approx 4 hours. I do get some nasal congestion as part of cfs but never to the point where i can’t breathe through my nose, so it’s not anything like a bad cold or anything like that just stuffy and a bit dry.

Interestingly, I recorded myself one night with audio only during a bad period of this noisy/jerk thing and there was nothing on the recording, no sound and it made me question whether i was hearing the sound or physically making the sound.

I am definitely a troubleshooter by nature and i know this has perpetuated sleep issues in the past, but with this new recent experience, I guess i have been questioning whether I perhaps have sleep apnea, but the only time i’ve experienced this is during severe sleep deprivation (and this would be one of those times) since i’m not getting much reprieve/good nights at present.

I guess what I find strange is that that I can sleep for 4 hours perfectly consistently…and when I do wake I am not snoring, nor am I gasping for breath, or jolting at all..I wake quite peacefully during the night, but once I consciously try to nod back off and have that time to think, I there seems to be some weird resistance to that exact point that I am about to let go and transition to sleep again, almost as though my brain says ‘but wait, we need to stay awake for a while’ just at the point of nodding off.

I wondered what you make of this experience and whether you think it sounds more psychological, or whether I should in fact investigate my airways (which I fear is likely to be an expensive exercise to no avail)? I guess it’s hard to say and I am not expecting medical advice here, but whether this has come up before with anyone else?

I’m thinking that i might try lots of meditation throughout the day to see if it improves first. If not, then perhaps further investigation.

; )

[Czor]

That’s interesting about breathing and waking up in the middle of the night when I do get some sleep sometimes I wake up with my nose and my upper lip feeling very sensitive. I’m not congested or have any issues. It just feels very uncomfortable so I have a glass of water nearby. I’ll dunk my fingers in it and I’ll wet that area. For some reason it seems to calm me down, but it makes no logical sense.

[Author]

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