[phil123]

Dear everybody,

I am currently suffering from insomnia. Yesterday I was really struggling in bed, fighting, being devastated etc. I had some kind of epiphany in that moment, and I stopped caring all together whether I slept because I realized I couldn’t control it anyways. I then fell asleep after a while and even when I woke up again, fell asleep again, not caring whether I was awake. I wasn’t ignoring the detrimental effects of insomnia or anything, it was more of a “surrendering completely” thing. Like I was permitted to give up the fight. I feel like I am fighting all day right now against insomnia and have been doing so for a long time. Trying to make things work and have them be as they used to. Even me writing this text seems to be part of the fight.
During this epiphany I literally did not care anymore. It felt so incredibly good to being granted to take off the burden of trying to fix the situation. I felt so much lighter, I genuinely didn’t care about sleep anymore in that situation because it was not my fight anymore. I hit rock bottom and surrendered and that alone was the cure. Not even my sleeping afterwards. That almost felt like a side effect of the end of my war with insomnia.
However, the epiphany didn’t seem to last, since the next day I was already in my head thinking about how me, finally surrendering, will make me sleep again – Even better than the night before. So, basically, I was caring again and didn’t sleep, although I was exhausted. I woke up my girlfriend, took 2 valerian pills and fell asleep for like 5 hours.
Now, of course this is not the right approach. It reinforces the idea of me using a quick fix for the situation. But at the same time, it made me sleep for a few hours. During this insomnia suffering episode, I had a few days where I didn’t sleep at all or maybe just 1 hour and I am literally so terrified of having to go through that that I instead take the quick fix.
I do know what do to of course, but I just cannot give up the fight. I feel that I am stuck in fight mode all over again and all I truly want is to “surrender” again. I obviously want it for the wrong reasons right now, which is sleeping like a baby, feeling refreshed.
I don’t know that to do. How can I make myself finally give up? (again). It felt so incredibly good during that moment. At the same time, I fear the consequences of sleep deprivation and its detrimental effects (on my body, mind and joy) that I can feel constantly growing. It is hell.
How do I stop myself from secretly having an agenda of restoring my sleep? How do I gain the courage to finally give up fighting?

Thank you so much for your help.

[Martin Reed]

It sounds as though you are learning a lot from your experience!

You will always care about things that are important to you. If sleep is important to you, you are going to care about it — trying to pretend otherwise might not be helpful, and trying to fight that feeling might set you up for a struggle.

You know from experience that fighting wakefulness, fighting your thoughts, fighting your feelings is a strategy that can make things more difficult and that makes sense since sleep is probably going to be more difficult if you are at war with your mind during the night.

So, perhaps what might be tripping you up here is your belief that you need to “not care” — that you need to eliminate certain thoughts and feelings. An alternative strategy might be more aligned with how you started your post — moving away from the struggle that comes from trying to control what your experience tells you cannot be controlled. Moving away from trying to fight or avoid wakefulness, certain thoughts, certain feelings.

It’s OK to want a certain amount or type of sleep. That’s understandable! What matters is how you act in response to that desire. Do your actions help you drop the battle or do your actions make things more difficult? Do your actions reflect who you are and who you want to be and move you closer to the life you want to live? Or, do they pull you away from the life you want to live?

As for courage, it’s easy for us to believe that the absence of difficult thoughts and feelings is needed in order for us to act how we want to act. However, courage comes from acting even in the presence of difficult thoughts and feelings.

Is there anything useful here?

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[Author]

Posts